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Shocked and Raw.

I'm 24, and have been in a long term relationship for five years with a man five years my senior. We've had rough patches, but mostly we have stuck together and been very loyal. About five months ago I started hanging out with a co-worker who was, at the time, in a relationship with a different co-worker. At first, though I was obviously very attracted to this person, I didn't expect it to go anywhere because of our obvious situations. We went out on a couple of 'dates' but were both clear with one another that we were in relationships. We had so much fun together, discovered we had similar taste in music and television and movies and food and the list goes on. So, unable to break it to my boyfriend that I was having feelings for this guy, we decided to continue seeing each other in private, but not tell anyone. And of his own volition, he left the girl he was seeing at work.

We became very close very very quickly. We spent increasing amounts of time together, and I began to drift from my boyfriend. Sensing our growing distance, we decided to take a break. Then, I fell unstoppably fast, in love with the guy from work. We both agreed that it felt like the right thing to do. I was cautious, but... like I said, I couldn't control myself. I hadn't felt so close to someone in years. We talked about moving in together, and then laughed at the ridiculousness of that idea. Everything remained easy going and lighthearted until about a week ago when he began distancing himself from me. Then, literally out of no where, he told me he didn't think we should see each other for awhile. That he still had feelings for his ex. That he still loved me, more than I realized. That he was torn and needed time to be alone. He was very genuine about all of this - He cried. I believed him. But it didn't help.

 

Now, I'm completely raw. I cry uncontrolably. I didn't realize how hard I'd fallen, or how much I needed his presence in my life until he was out of it. I know there's absolutely nothing i can do to "change his mind" or make myself more appealing. I'm a very attractive, tall, athletic, intelligent, funny professional actress with lots of ***** and personality and now all of a sudden I feel completely worthless. I know that when you allow yourself to fall head over heels in love, that you're taking a big risk. I was just so NOT expecting this to pan out the way it has. I feel like there's a hole in my chest. I can't eat. Or sleep. And the whole time, I'm laughing at myself because I should have known that three months was too fast.

The worst part is, I could go back to the life I was living before this person was such a big part of it. But I don't think I'm in love with my ex-boyfriend anymore. I'm unhappy in the city i'm living in. And I feel like I'll never be able to trust someone again. They say time heals all wounds, but I never truly let go of my feelings for people. And nothing has hurt this much in a long time.

 

Even though I feel like I've gained absolutly nothing from this heartbreak at this point, I hope one day I'll realize the lesson to be learned.

goldman22 goldman22 22-25 8 Responses May 25, 2009

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All your heartbreaks and joys will prepare you for you one true love. I remember feeling the way you describe a few times and each time taught me something about myself. It helps you grow to be a better partner when you love comes along. My husband and I love that Song...... God bless the broken road that led me straight to you. you are just traveling the broken road.... you will get there.

I hope time does heal because it does hurt a lot. My ex wants me to go back but I'm not in love with him no more. I fell hard in love for another guy and for what to just end up by myself.

I hope you'll be okay. I think the guy I want most has a girlfriend too. He has to have. as he is so good looking. You ARE attractive so you'll meet someone else I'm sure. Confidence, ; like you have, is always sexy in time you'll meet someone else.

:/

Hi I read this and my situation is slightly different but I have experienced hear brake recently but It was with a boy I loved for 3 years and I broke up with him because I felt like he was smothering me and i was ignoring my feelings as I don't like to be vunerable and exposed so I never really told him how I felt. <br />
I then ended things and this was last October, nearly a year ago! To only then slowly realize I was in love with him. I tried to get in contact but on numerous occasions he wouldn't reply to texts so my pride got in the way of me talking to him and he is now in a relationship with a girl who incidentally ' looks like me'. Its heart braking that me moved on from me to a look a like. Its painful and my chest literally aches sometime. <br />
I have never experienced this before and I'm trying my hardest to bury the feeling as I don't want to feel replaced by a better version of myself but by just looking at her i feel worthless. Sorry to ramble but I just know the feeling and though I would share it with you. xxx

As far as I can tell, it's not cheating if you've broken up with the other person. I was always very honest.

Karma bit you in the butt now didn't it? Maybe this will teach you not to cheat. I'm not trying to be rude, but I cannot sympathize with a cheater. Sorry

My heart breaks for you. Thirteen years ago I was in exactly the same position as you. I moved away and couldn't even bear to stay in touch with him. I wish with every bone in my body that I hadn't given up so easily. At the time I thought i would forget about him and find someone better but it didn't happen. Say everything you need to say and do everything you need to do before you walk away.