Shocked and Raw.
I'm 24, and have been in a long term relationship for five years with a man five years my senior. We've had rough patches, but mostly we have stuck together and been very loyal. About five months ago I started hanging out with a co-worker who was, at the time, in a relationship with a different co-worker. At first, though I was obviously very attracted to this person, I didn't expect it to go anywhere because of our obvious situations. We went out on a couple of 'dates' but were both clear with one another that we were in relationships. We had so much fun together, discovered we had similar taste in music and television and movies and food and the list goes on. So, unable to break it to my boyfriend that I was having feelings for this guy, we decided to continue seeing each other in private, but not tell anyone. And of his own volition, he left the girl he was seeing at work.
We became very close very very quickly. We spent increasing amounts of time together, and I began to drift from my boyfriend. Sensing our growing distance, we decided to take a break. Then, I fell unstoppably fast, in love with the guy from work. We both agreed that it felt like the right thing to do. I was cautious, but... like I said, I couldn't control myself. I hadn't felt so close to someone in years. We talked about moving in together, and then laughed at the ridiculousness of that idea. Everything remained easy going and lighthearted until about a week ago when he began distancing himself from me. Then, literally out of no where, he told me he didn't think we should see each other for awhile. That he still had feelings for his ex. That he still loved me, more than I realized. That he was torn and needed time to be alone. He was very genuine about all of this - He cried. I believed him. But it didn't help.
Now, I'm completely raw. I cry uncontrolably. I didn't realize how hard I'd fallen, or how much I needed his presence in my life until he was out of it. I know there's absolutely nothing i can do to "change his mind" or make myself more appealing. I'm a very attractive, tall, athletic, intelligent, funny professional actress with lots of personality and now all of a sudden I feel completely worthless. I know that when you allow yourself to fall head over heels in love, that you're taking a big risk. I was just so NOT expecting this to pan out the way it has. I feel like there's a hole in my chest. I can't eat. Or sleep. And the whole time, I'm laughing at myself because I should have known that three months was too fast.
The worst part is, I could go back to the life I was living before this person was such a big part of it. But I don't think I'm in love with my ex-boyfriend anymore. I'm unhappy in the city i'm living in. And I feel like I'll never be able to trust someone again. They say time heals all wounds, but I never truly let go of my feelings for people. And nothing has hurt this much in a long time.
Even though I feel like I've gained absolutly nothing from this heartbreak at this point, I hope one day I'll realize the lesson to be learned.