Damn These Feelings!

Whomever thanked me for the story on February 20th - you are most welcome.

Crazy situation that still continues! We talk, text, email. Still get on well ..... Yet no direct first person contact since he left yet...... I'm ok with this. Guess cos he's still in my life in a roundabout kinda way and that's why ..... It's all ok! :)

You can't choose who you fall in love with...... So very sad yet so very true. Hugs~

I had that kind of situation before too and it is painful.

So dear liguigold, have you kept in touch with him, or has he tried to contact you since he left? Where do your feelings stand at this point?

18.4.12 - He left work :(

I soo love the journal/ poem!

*sigh* if only we could turn our feelings off sometimes, like a light switch. If only it were that easy. But since it is not, and we cannot choose who our heart decides to fall in love with...we can only continue taking one day at a time.

I know this is an older post, but I come across it and can relate...:/

Your lines are so true..."You can't choose who you fall in love with. It just happens and there's nothing you can do about it."

Its really sad...when someone is not loved in return..even though other person feels true love for them.

I just came across this and just had to comment even though it is a long ago post. I also am in a situation somewhat similar to yours, except neither of us married. We are separated by a long distance, and different cultures. We let it go to love without thinking of the realities. Now we are trying to, because we still care deeply about each other, salvage a close relationship out of it. It is so hard when the words of love have been exchanged. Just how do you back step and assume a position of friend, instead of lover? At least in your case those words have not been spoken to each other and I think that is best. I think you have been given good advice but due to the fact he is married, and not shown an inclination to leave because he does not love his wife....or that he does not want to leave his wife, you must realize that unless things change drastically, your love will have to be silent, a hidden fantasy.

Grete, what a wonderful comment you have made! I am touched by your sympathy and understanding. Thank you! And thank you for your support. Really. THANK YOU!

HUGS BACK x



rknst74 - My thanks to you also for reading and commenting on this post. I grow fonder at moment! Everything remains as said! Appreciate your kind comment as well. :)

That's a difficult predicament to be in.I think you will figure what is the best course to take in due time.I also think you will either grow fonder of him or it will subside to just a nice feeling when you see him.I hope you post a follow up story when you have made a decision or something has changed.Thanks for sharing.

The last lines of your story are so true...

Thank both!



I sent this recently to a friend in a private mail on here but will share here as well. It explains things a little further:



"Almost 100% sure married man feels as I do but he doesn't have a bad marriage. The irony here is, if I was 'totty' he probably wouldn't be above fooling around. It wouldn't mean anything to him. But I do mean something to him. The bond is strong between us. Nothing will happen while we work together. So many complications. I have to consider as well. If one of us left. Do I risk having an affair - that could last for years and then the inevitable fall out or do I just keep him in my life permanently as a friend.



Another irony is, I know he views me ( character and temperament) wise, not personality wise, same as his wife. He once told me, that his wife was one of nicest people he'd ever met and we have same temperament according to him.



It's a case that two people have met, fallen in love against the odds and there is not much we can do about it.



Still glad I know him. And that I've met him. Don't really go in for soul mate thing, but if I did, would say he's as close as it gets!"



That kind of sums it up. Des, we know we have feelings for each other. It's clear as crystal to "the other" and those around us. The issue is spoken about but skirted around. It's too dangerous a situation.



To say the actual words though ...... there is no going back then! They may never be spoken by either one of us .................

I can relate to a lot in this story. So sorry. It does really hurt. :(



My advice is don't tell him you have feelings for him. Not if you want him to keep talking to you, even as a friend... :-/

Awwww. Poor LG.

Reading this whole thing, you can really sense the battle going on in your heart.

Hope this finds a way to work out for the best one way or the other for you.

Thanks Lost :)



*Blows a kiss to lovely friend*

I'll just say it again, what the heck...



I know how you feel! Oh, my goodness, I know how you feel. This isn't easy!

Thanks Orchid, for your sympathetic comment. It's much appreciated! :)

call it fate. I had been inlove with my brother's bestfriend since high school. Until now I fantasize about him. If my brother didn't get in the way, maybe something happened when we're both single professionals. Now that we're both married, I still wish something physical could happen but......



I understand how you feel, you're in the circle but can't do anything about it. it's really hard, a torture. but I guess, fantasy is sometimes better than reality because if we mix both worlds we will be creating a chaotic universe!

Another small addition for my personal history. Shame I never post in here when I happy with it.



Gone too good for months now. Same cycle. Just get on too well. Drawn too each other.



But I'm sad. See. I'm pretty sure now he does love me - wont cite specifics (nothing physical though). But he can't accept it. It bothers him. He's done his normal loosing contol of situation 'runner'. I have to accept he just can't accept situation.



Wish I record all good things that happen or are said. Least that way I'd have some good reminders in the 'journal' too.



:(



'bugger' is pretty apt way to express how I feel. Wonder if its in mood list.

Hi Liquidgold, I totaly understand how you are feeling!!

I too fell for an older married man in work. He is a gentleman, but really likes female attention. Well stupidly i couldn't control myself and after months of flirting and texting I text him one day and told him how I felt!! I got a good response, he told me he had no idea at all and didn't think he made that much of an impession on me.. One of the running jokie texts between us was ''would we refuse?'' So i asked him would he and he said no! he asked me would i so i said no and he text back ''great''



So we still texted each other but not very often maybe one or two days a week for a few times in the day. I didn't want to text him while he was at home. So any way for about another 6 weeks we talked about kissing but never did.. I had to go on a work journey on my own with him and he stopped driving and asked me ''well where's my kiss?'' So i said your the man, it's up to you..

well he leaned over and kissed me real hard for what seemed like a few mins, but i was kinda shocked and didn't really kiss back. So on the journey back I said i wasn't expecting that. And he asked why? i just said didn't think he would want to do it and he said why not. that there was this thing between us that just wasn't going away, no matter what he done.



so later on i met himfor a few mins on the way home from work, but it wasn't really a private place so we just had a few quick kisses on the lips, and he rubbed the top of my breast that could be seen from my top. we talked a little and he said he had never done anything like this before and he seemed a little quiet but wanted to go some where a bit more private and we couldn't think of anywhere so we said we'd think about where we could go the next time. but we had no work the following week, which was last week. During the week of i knew he was near my town as his team had a football match, so i messaged him on facebook to meet up and he never replied.

I found it a little hard talking to him but we just spoke about work things and football, then he asked how my week went, but neither of us said anything about the message.. so now we are just talking like nothing happened, but i caught him watching me a few times and trying to make all the girls laugh but not me.. ''i sound childish, but he makes me feel needy and childish''

Is he feeling quilty because what he done and has feelings?? or is it he decided he didn't want to go there?? or has he decided that he didn't really have feelings after all?? I hate double guessing every little thing!! i hate feeling needy. But i really do think i have fell for him, i think he is amazing, smart, funny, kind, sexy, i could go on and on....

I welcome your views and ……. Thank you.

Seems like you have all the basis covered, just remember mending a brusied heart is far more complicated than a brusied knee or elbow.



You made a statement that you will like to know if he loves you or not....either way that is not going to go over lightly....you will be living a lifetime of "what if's "



Actions speaks louder than words..once the words are out there are no taking them back.



But, as we know how these "love thing" works....one day we are madly in love and it is like I can't live without you type of moment and then the next day a whole new set of feelings.



We don't know what tomorrow brings...who am I to tell you that what you are feeling and doing is not the right or correct...but, I do know and understands how the heart and mind works...



Bottom line, life is about finding your own peace of mind...hang in there!

Hello Lladynyc



Thank you for posting. Your comment is appreciated and it’s good to hear from another perspective.



As you say, I have no doubt he has been enjoying my attention though this works both ways. Would like to add (if not a little defensively!?) I am not the type to “chase”. I am not someone that needs to be with a significant other. Would be nice to be but I’m not needy and quite an independent character and would rather be with someone I loved, than with someone for just the hell of it. He is someone I just happened to click with, work and bond well with….. and then unfortunately, fall in love with!



I do try not to live in a fairytale world but if I am honest, sometimes it’s hard not too. Like I said in one of my earlier comments on this post, it is rare I fall in love and when I do, I fall hard. I know I cannot have him and there can be no happy ending here.



You ask what would I expect the outcome to be if in fact he loves me. I don’t know. BUT what I do know is, even if nothing could happen, to know that he loved me, to have that clarification, would make the world of difference for me. Just knowing.



To be a realist, I know the best outcome would be to remain as just good friends. My brain knows that but its all those annoying hormones and my heart that just won’t listen!!!



The situation though remains that we are friends.

So, where are we now? Have you thought that maybe you are cheating yourself by living every minute thinking of him rather than, going out and finding that true one for you.



You are making yourself nuts! You know you can't him but yet you continue to dwell on something that will not end in a happy manner...ie: he might have a fling with you and then come to his senses later..and, not to mention your job is at stake



He might just be enjoying your attention and and loving every minute of it and you are continue to live your life in a fairy tale.



Don't get me wrong here..I love romance but, look at the big picture and ask yourself..."What am I expecting to be the outcome if in fact he loves me too"?



Hang in there...but, you need to step back and look at the long run big picture.

Thank you.

I totally understand your frustration. It's a unreconcilable situation. I really get it. Very hard to deal with.

Have decided to bring this journal to an end otherwise its going to get really stupid! Will not delete because as said above somewhere, it maybe one day that I send this link to this person - It just seems such a waste. Really very rarely for me to feel so strongly that's why it needed to be written down.



As of this moment, love is still there but maybe it's getting better for the reason that it's almost become an abstract form of love. And it's nowhere near as strong as it was - HE has himself to blame or thank for that. (If YOU should ever read this - why did my attitude change - A: You took the ****. In true "what you are style" (see my contempt for that side of you is so great that I still cannot write the words!) you used my feelings (that I had not voiced but you knew they were there) against me to make the link/connection with someone else - seal the deal as it where - and to get them on your side. Manipulation tactics. Your private joke - like I couldn't see it. December 2010 - I crossed "that" line - I'd reached my limit. I was a stupid girl. I was wrong about you. You were not genuine. I never wanted to change you (and wouldn't be so arrogant to assume that I could if I'd tried) - know better than that and scarily, there is a lot about you so similar to me! But as you know, I am the good girl with bad girl characteristics! But didn't think you would pull that stunt. Wouldn't of done it to you. For me, it was real. Not for you it would seem.



I have always seen this side of you. I had friends in the past the same (friends being fine but a man you have feelings for - emotional suicide!) and that's why I fought it off so many times. Why the hell would I want to love someone like you. But I did and I only have myself to blame. Should of ran away earlier and faster.



The love for you is still there but skewed. The trust is gone - need i say more. But you know, it was fantastic loving someone that way again - for a long, long time you have walked on water as far as I was concerned. I liked you up on that pedestal. The last time person I felt for so strongly was my son's father. Long time ago!



Wish you hadn't of destroyed my trust and faith in you though it took a few years to get to this point. Inevitable I guess, all things considering.



I read somewhere that even if a Player falls in love, they will still play/womanise because it's about ego and self-esteem issues and since it's a self-esteem issue, just because the player is in love doesn't mean their self esteem is any higher. It's about having "fans" isn't it. Women (plural and singular) and not necessarily in a sexual way) to make them feel good about themselves.



And so there, I have said the unthinkable word - Player - and it kinda casts a different slant on the above, doesn't it. Which is why I will no longer be able to post on this site. It's almost like I'm deliberately burning my bridges so I CANNOT post anymore - even under my anon pseudonym.

Just needed to get it out of my system.



There can be no sympathy for someone stupid enough to fall for one.... Thought I could deal with his techniques, thought it wouldn't matter - but in the end, they became so transparent to me and so irritating and made me so angry, it 's just wrecked everything.



No, he never deserved and doesn't deserve this love. (In retrospect, better I never send this link!) But maybe I don't deserve. It says it all doesn't it.



Player :-(

I still love this man! For Gods sake. I don't want to!!! He doesn't deserve this love!!! I don't understand this or how this could have happened.



I don't love him because I can't have him. It's not a case of wanting what I cannot have just a case of can't have what I want. In this respect, the marriage element is irrelevant. It's just him.



I don't understand myself and I'm frightened of these feelings because I just cannot control them or bend them to my will.



I cannot get a handle on him either which is a first to me. Maybe this is what intrigues me. I have never thought myself a jealous person - I have never before been a jealous person - and yet I have known more jealously over this man than another in my life!! I hate this feeling and resent it.



Then there is the fact that although there are so many things I could list that I love and admire about him there is without any doubt, one side to him that I really really dislike. I cannot even write the words down here my disappointment is so great. And I could see it, read it right from the start.

And knowing it has still not helped me deal with it or change the feelings I have.



I have fought against this love for so so long. I am totally bewildered. I just really really love this man. I resent that I do. But it's there. There is nothing I can do but keep hiding it.



I will never tell him. Not unless he says something to me. He hasn't earned this love. Despite all his positives.