Feeling Like An Ugly Duckling And Wishing Desperately For Some Magic To Turn Me Into A Beautiful Swan...

So.. update from the last story:

About 4 nights ago, Mr. man who is antisocial and doesn't hang out with people because he doesn't trust them, actually went out with a group of my mates, without me because I was working, which I was stoked about as it meant he was starting to connect with people and connecting with people I cared about.

The next day I spoke to him about wanting him to open up more. He's made some decisions in the past, without even bothering to ask my opinion, which has affected us both, and I wanted him to include me in the process. So he says he'll try.

Mr. man calls me last night at 1am which never happens normally because he's the type that goes to bed at 10pm and even if he's up because of anxiety attacks, will not reach out because of his independent and private nature. So again, I was happy about the fact that he had contacted me..

That is until he tells me that he's more than a little bit interested in sleeping with one of my friends who he went out with on that night out. He said she made him feel like a horny schoolboy.

This in itself, I feel, is kind of normal. I think everyone has been attracted to others when they're in a relationship; some act on it, some don't. For him, however, it is different because he normally doesn't even look at another girl when he's with someone, so now he's looking at our relationship and wondering if we should be together.

I tried to remain calm, but didn't succeed very well. When I asked him to share stuff, I didn't mean to know about this, but am I being realistic? Would it be better to know that he's thinking about it and wants to discuss it, or not? I kinda feel that whilst it was great that he opened up about things, I didn't need to know about this unless he was certain that he didn't want to be with me anymore. If he still wanted to be with me and just wanted to physically get his rocks off, whilst I wouldn't be happy with that, I could understand it. If he wanted to have an emotional attachment to her, that's different.

What got to me was that when we had sex the day after he had dinner and drinks with my mates, he actually fantasized about her whilst we were doing the deed. To put this into context, Mr. man and I don't have sex often because his physical issues make him literally hurt during and after sex, the energy expended etc makes him exceptionally drained for the next couple of days. Often also, he is fairly negative about my appearance, as I'm pudgy around my stomach, I don't have big boobs and my hair is a frizz monster. So any sex we have is very much appreciated on my part, because I feel beautiful enough that he found me attractive. I get that in itself is screwed up majorly, and I need to work on my self-confidence.

But that he was fantasizing about her made me feel like the ugliest of people. Does it mean that I really don't attract him enough that he has to fantasize about other girls before he can have sex with me? Does it mean that he does have an emotional attachment to her?

And the thing is, something he said made me feel even more low. When I asked him whether he still wanted to be with me or not, he said that he didn't know whether she likes him and he didn't want to have a relationship with her because she's about to go to Africa for at least half a year of traveling and he didn't want to start a relationship that wasn't going to go anywhere for 6 months. To me, that's a totally separate issue. I have no idea whether she feels the same way about him or not. But I don't want to be in a relationship with him if I'm just what he's settling for whilst she's overseas and then when she gets back that we have to go through this again.

I know that I love this guy, and maybe I'm stupid for doing so, because I feel like this is more evidence that he doesn't love me back. But is it? Am I just being super-sensitive? As I said, and I believe, it is normal to feel attracted to someone who is very attractive. So I feel really confused and I feel very much like an ugly duckling who needs some magic so that things will get better.
Sephira7 Sephira7
26-30, F
3 Responses May 7, 2012

:) It really makes me happy to hear that! I'm glad I could help in some way. I think that even just having good feelings is an excellent place to start. From there, it'll be easier to recognize your next step.

Honestly, I think that you're the only one who can decide what to do about it. It sounds to me like he respects you at least. But I'm inclined to think that it's not really worth the trouble you'll have. I would have to say that it really doesn't sound like you are the ob<x>ject of his affection right now. Who knows if that may change in the future but I would guess that whatever he feels for you isn't what he really looks for in a relationship. If it's a superficial thing, maybe it will only change through experience. If he meets a girl that he's attracted to and finds out that her personality isn't for him then maybe he'll think about you again.<br />
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But there are billions of people in the world. And each one longs for love. You won't need to go far to find somebody to love and who'll return your love.<br />
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I think the best thing you can do right now is look inside yourself. Think about how to love yourself, what you need in order to be happy. And remember that growth is change. Stagnation is decay.

Thankyou! What you said is so spot-on, have started on my journey of rediscovering myself which is going to be hard but good :)

This drives me nuts how he treated you. That was really a low blow. I feel like he's putting you down. I wouldn't want to lose more of my self-esteem being around with this person any longer. Hugs* I met a girl I like and she liked me too. But the thing is that she kept talking about other guys she had sex with and it really turned me off. One reason I dumped her for that.

I appreciate your support Jimmy! But do you think its better that he tells me honestly what he thinks rather than saying stuff that he doesn't believe? Or is it just that there are things that are better left unsaid?