My Two Men.
I have been with my husband for eleven years. We have built a life together and are a stable couple. We have one child together and I have two from a previous marriage. My husband owns his own business, so he spends a lot of hours working. I love him and my family deeply. He is a kind and caring husband and a wonderful father to our children. However, starting 3 years ago, our sex life has diminshed to absolutely nothing. When a specific man that I work with would flirt with me, I found myself enjoying it and craving it. It all started about 2 years ago when this particular man would make comments about the way that I looked. Eventually, the comments became more sexual in nature. While away on a business trip with him, I made an advance and he quickly turned me down. He explained to me that he was strictly flirting and didn't want anything else. I was embarrassed and devistated. I explained to him that I was vulnerable and I asked him to be a little bit more careful with me. I asked him to not flirt with me anymore and I would not flirt with him and he agreed. For almost one year, we went on with our day to day lives without saying anything sexual to each other. That all changed when we were at a company event and we both became intoxicated. We talked dirty to each other all night and it all came to head when we snuck outside and kissed. He immediately left and my heart nearly stopped beating. He seemed so aggresive and sure that he wanted to kiss me and then he darted out, like he knew he had made a mistake. The next day at work, we were both concerned that others might have seen us talking, but it became clear by lunchtime that we were not the 'hit' of the party. Everyone was talking about the girl that 'came out' after karaoke. He explained to me that he loved his wife and that he didn't want to jeopardize what he had. I explained to him that I loved my husband and family and I wanted the same for them. We backed off for a while, but within a few months, we were back to where we were. Fastforward about one year and we have managed to develop trust between the two of us. We both love our spouses. He says that women are a weakness for him and I say that I am looking for what I am missing. We have had many many many ups and downs and we have fought and I have cried over him. All because I wanted to make time to be with him alone away from work. He refused to do so in fear of getting caught. What made it frustrating to me, though was that we took risks frequently with each other at work. I felt that I was being smart and safer than what we currently were. He just would not ever commit to moving forward.
About one month ago, that changed. I have told myself over and over that I did not love him. That I was not willing to give up my family for him. And I still don't want to do that. I still love my husband and the way things are. But when I realized that I may not ever see this man again, I felt like someone had stabbed me repeatedly. You see, his job was on the rocks. He was not happy working for the person he was working for. So, he started looking for work elsewhere. Just to be on the safe side. Well, much to our surprise, he found something very quickly. And they offered him a job. When he told me about the job offer, it took everything I had to not just bust into tears. I told him that he should do what is best for his family and left it at that. The job was closer to home and it was a fresh start for him. It was during that weekend, while he was weighing his decision, that I realized that I loved him. I knew that if he took that job, we would never see each other again. I knew this. And I couldn't eat, I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't think straight. When I returned to work, I just held my breath until he told me that he had decided to turn down the job. He never said it, but I still think that I was a factor. Then, I was offered a job. I told him about it and I could see the disappointment in his eyes. I had several days to make a decision, and during those three days, he never asked me about it. Until the day after I decided to stay, he asked if I had made a decision and I told him that I had not (even though I had). For the first time, he admitted that he would miss me if I left. I eventually told him that I was not leaving and he seemed relieved. It was two weeks later that he came to me wanting to go to the next level. I think that the thought of us not ever seeing each other again, made both of us realize how much we really do care for each other. So here I am, married to a wonderful man whom I love deeply. But I find myself also in love with a man who is so unlike me, who is unavailable, who is not that physically attractive and who is happily married, too.