My Two Men.

I have been with my husband for eleven years.  We have built a life together and are a stable couple.  We have one child together and I have two from a previous marriage.  My husband owns his own business, so he spends a lot of hours working. I love him and my family deeply.  He is a kind and caring husband and a wonderful father to our children.  However, starting 3 years ago, our sex life has diminshed to absolutely nothing.  When a specific man that I work with would flirt with me, I found myself enjoying it and craving it.  It all started about 2 years ago when this particular man would make comments about the way that I looked.  Eventually, the comments became more sexual in nature.  While away on a business trip with him, I made an advance and he quickly turned me down.  He explained to me that he was strictly flirting and didn't want anything else.  I was embarrassed and devistated.  I explained to him that I was vulnerable and I asked him to be a little bit more careful with me.  I asked him to not flirt with me anymore and I would not flirt with him and he agreed.  For almost one year, we went on with our day to day lives without saying anything sexual to each other.  That all changed when we were at a company event and we both became intoxicated.  We talked dirty to each other all night and it all came to head when we snuck outside and kissed.  He immediately left and my heart nearly stopped beating.  He seemed so aggresive and sure that he wanted to kiss me and then he darted out, like he knew he had made a mistake.  The next day at work, we were both concerned that others might have seen us talking, but it became clear by lunchtime that we were not the 'hit' of the party.  Everyone was talking about the girl that 'came out' after karaoke.  He explained to me that he loved his wife and that he didn't want to jeopardize what he had.  I explained to him that I loved my husband and family and I wanted the same for them.  We backed off for a while, but within a few months, we were back to where we were.  Fastforward about one year and we have managed to develop trust between the two of us.  We both love our spouses.  He says that women are a weakness for him and I say that I am looking for what I am missing.  We have had many many many ups and downs and we have fought and I have cried over him.  All because I wanted to make time to be with him alone away from work. He refused to do so in fear of getting caught.  What made it frustrating to me, though was that we took risks frequently with each other at work.  I felt that I was being smart and safer than what we currently were.  He just would not ever commit to moving forward. 

About one month ago, that changed.  I have told myself over and over that I did not love him.  That I was not willing to give up my family for him.  And I still don't want to do that.  I still love my husband and the way things are.  But when I realized that I may not ever see this man again, I felt like someone had stabbed me repeatedly.  You see, his job was on the rocks.  He was not happy working for the person he was working for. So, he started looking for work elsewhere.  Just to be on the safe side.  Well, much to our surprise, he found something very quickly.  And they offered him a job.  When he told me about the job offer, it took everything I had to not just bust into tears.  I told him that he should do what is best for his family and left it at that.  The job was closer to home and it was a fresh start for him.  It was during that weekend, while he was weighing his decision, that I realized that I loved him.  I knew that if he took that job, we would never see each other again.  I knew this.  And I couldn't eat, I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't think straight.  When I returned to work, I just held my breath until he told me that he had decided to turn down the job.  He never said it, but I still think that I was a factor.  Then, I was offered a job.  I told him about it and I could see the disappointment in his eyes.  I had several days to make a decision, and during those three days, he never asked me about it.  Until the day after I decided to stay, he asked if I had made a decision and I told him that I had not (even though I had).  For the first time, he admitted that he would miss me if I left.  I eventually told him that I was not leaving and he seemed relieved.  It was two weeks later that he came to me wanting to go to the next level.  I think that the thought of us not ever seeing each other again, made both of us realize how much we really do care for each other.  So here I am, married to a wonderful man whom I love deeply.  But I find myself also in love with a man who is so unlike me, who is unavailable, who is not that physically attractive and who is happily married, too. 

projectme projectme
14 Responses Jun 8, 2008

This was a good read. I have been with my boyfriend for a long time now, alot of bumps on the way my family aint keen on him or friends becasue of the past and sometimes the way he talks to me, lies, never sees things from my view. However we have been on and off and have stuck together long distance realtionship whilst hes been working abroad. He is due home soon. I have never been a cheater but I have always had feelings for a friend of mines, its never been a proper friendship always flirting and play fighting having a laugh with the chemistry there been very hard as both want to but cant he has been with his girlfriend since he was 16 and they are engaged. He is now 22 and i am 23 I have known him since I was 17 after my first boyfriend I was single at 18 and none of us acted on the feelings, however I was drunk few months ago and told him I like him more than a friend, we always flirt and a visit to his house then him coming to my house same thing happened very touchy play fighting cuddling watching tv and last time he gave me a look in the eyes intense to see if we would kiss i hummed and said bye bye lol! But I told my boyfriend who is not happy ( I felt guilty) and wants me not to see him! but it could be because I told him not to see a girl who was his friend he kissed 2 times and she told lies about me to break us up and she was also my friend which hurt even more so in my head it is different I have that playfull friendship with my friend for 7years and I dont know if I can lose him as friend as stood by me thick and thin and helped me in so many ways to believe in myself. I told my friend nothing would happen as respect his future wife I would never be person to ruin that or ruin friendship even though he agreed it was close, I understand why my boyfriend dont want me meet him anymore and with him coming home hel prob argue with me if I do and wonder what in the texts. Is it bad that I dont want to give up a friendship that has always been more than a friendship because the truth is im in love with my friend even though never kissed him ect sometimes i wonder if the kiss would cure and kill it...I feel either way Iam going to lose him at end of the day he aint ever going to mines but im still not willing to cut him out of my life I tried for 2weeks it was hard going not to text him as I always think about him which is bad, I love my boyfriend he is bad and good at same time but with this friend my head is a MESS!! When i was abroad just us too all past forgotten and no one else in mix me and my boyfriend got on fab I had blast and felt so much peace at mind that he was going to be my forever. But since told him this friend stuff all we have done is fight and he has been back calling me names ect and he blew up as said dont want to get engaged I want to live together first and take it slow but its all because of him name calling, blackmails ect but he thinks its because want my friend. I love him but I want take it slow im only 23 and so in love with him why we got back together when we were apart we were both really down he has been working aborad for long time now so when he returns I want take it slow fresh start but I dont know if I need cut my friend out or not thought of it makes me feel really upset....x

I can really understand how you feel because I am in a similar situation.<br />
I am not married but in a relationship since several years. I always loved my boyfriend, but a few months ago romance between us very much receded, similar to the sex life in your marriage. I think the reason was our taking each other for granted and having personal problems which occupied our minds. Thus we paid less attention to each other's needs and feelings.<br />
Around the same time I happened to get to know my boss better. His lightheartedness and charme was so contrasting to the depressing feelings with my boyfriend. Also, he is very good looking and incredibly intelligent, funny etc. etc. Once he let slip that he too was attracted to me, just like the man in your story responded your feelings.<br />
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So in short, the new man offers adventure and sexuality, while our current partner lacks them, but has the advantage of shared memories, closeness etc. It is natural to start to love both men, because we long for both sides of love.<br />
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When the feelings for my boss were fresh I found it very hard not to betray my boyfriend in any way, I succumbed to flirting and having fantasies about my boss. I managed to at least stop the flirting.<br />
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Here is the thing. Although it is a wonderful feeling to think about that man and to talk to him, you and I know that we are doing wrong. We made a commitment to our partner, we promised him our faithfulness and received the same vowes from him. Of course if there are no temptations it is very easy to hold a vow of faithfulness. So it is no strong argument to say that we have been faithful women for x years. In fact if this is the first man you loved after your husband, it is the very first time to prove yourself.<br />
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Please don't consider my response as judging you. I had to make this clear to myself again and again and I force myself to not be weak, sometimes I fail. But it is a great help for me to know when I am doing wrong. And I know that in absolutely no scenario it can be apologized if I get close with both men.<br />
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Of course, this is only reasoning and it is very hard to be reasonable in love.<br />
But these are my strategies to actually do the reasonable thing:<br />
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behaviour toward the other man:<br />
- keep as much distance between yourself and him (although you hate to!)<br />
- NEVER be alone with him- don't be excessively friendly to him, so his feelings for you fade away- give him the feeling that you do not fancy him anymore, if need be, simply say that you realized it was just a foolishness on your side.<br />
- try to think of characteristics you do not like about him<br />
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behaviour your husband:<br />
- imagine how you would feel if your husband had an affair.<br />
- seduce your husband, be the one to bring back your sex life, be romantic and especially nice to him, so your feelings for the other man fade away.<br />
- talk with your husband about the things you miss in your marriage. This one helped me the most!<br />
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I hope I could help you a little bit, but if you disagree with me, please leave a response so I can reconsider my reasoning.

Omg I feel the same way. I'm so in love with 2 men much different than you but I feel so bad but idk what to do

I had a similar experience, the only difference is i am leaving the organization we are working together in and he is not yet married. I am leaving for greener pastures and abiding by the want to forget him. If only it is easy...

After reading other responses, along with your story, I feel as if I don't really know what I, myself, am feeling. I have been married for 3 years now, but this past May was reunited with a past boyfriend. I went to a friend's wedding and had shared that I'd be in town. He said he'd love to get together, since it'd been 7 years since we saw each other. When we parted ways back after high school, he went to college on the East coast, and I didn't hear much from him (except what was shared on FB). It hurt when he left, because I lost my virginity to him, and even in my married life, that feeling still lingers. The feeling that my husband wasn't my first...and throughout my life I always imagined marrying my first. My intentions of reuniting with my old flame was to first and foremost get answers for why our relationship just died so many years ago. Come to find out that I wasn't the only one who lost their virginity that know I was his first too really meant something to me. Now I sit here in my life, 4th year of teaching, 3rd year of marriage, own a house, car almost paid many good things going on, my husband loves me dearly, is a great man. But why do I feel the way I do about my old flame? I'll be thinking of you and pray that whatever the situation, you continue to be strong and have faith that whatever comes of the situation, love will never die.

It seems like we are all in similar boats. I wish that by writing about it or talking about it I can make it magically go away.<br />
I have a husband of 6 years and three year old son with him. He is a wonderful father and husband. He supports me emotional and makes all the complications of life go away. He makes great money and he loves me very much. All in all a great situation. <br />
I also have a friend. We have been friends for years. We also worked side by side for most of those years. We had a little fling before I met my husband but it just wasn't the right time for us.<br />
Now, 7 years later we are still very close. We have had sex and kissed occasionally (my husband and I have a don't ask - don't tell arrangement) over those 7 years. About a year ago I realized that I was very, very much in love with my friend. I don't throw the word 'soul mate' around but if I were to put a name to it, it would be soul mate. I think about him all the time - I LOVE HIM. He is nowere near as stable or mature as my husband and he makes next to no money. But I feel in some part of my heart that I would give up everything to be with him. <br />
I have this 5 year plan in which I get a better job and he gets a better job and my child gets older and then I can be with my soul mate. I told the friend about it the other night and he said that it was a good plan and he is 'in'. Although he has never said 'I love you' to me. I have said it to him but I understand why he won't say it to me. But I know he does. <br />
You know the part that bugs me the most? It is that I don't want to hurt my friend. I don't want to be that idiot woman that strings him along for years...'I will leave my husband when my son is older or when the time is right'. Meanwhile how does he feel? He isn't with me either and that isn't fair. It isn't fair to my husband that when I lay down beside him I am pretending that he is someone else. It isn't fair to my son that I feel this overwhelming desire to f*** up his family. <br />
I feel like the only thing I can do is not see my friend any more...ever. And that makes me broken hearted, crying, hurting, so very sad. Or I can rip my family apart and hurt a man that has done nothing but love me. I don't want to do anything that I will regret for the rest of my life and I feel like both choices will tear my heart out.

You mention that you and your husband have a semi-open marriage, which is kind of cool. Is it don't ask and don't tell because you don't want tohear about him with other women? Many women don't like to think of their man with another woman even while they LOVE being with other or another man.

Accept something...your situation is not unusual. You are not some strange creature that has a split. It may be that you have the ideal situation. It may be that you are perfect to be a woman with two men. Each meets different parts of your soul. I have been learning that soul mate love burns hot and burns out. Instead, keep the flame very warm, but not burning. You are allowed to make love to other men, so make love to him. Spend occasional nights and weekends with him. Go on a trip or two with him. Pretend you are married to both men and love both men intensely if differently.

Does your husband like seconds? Does he seem to know when you have been with another? Take advantage and build a great life. You can have your son and his father and your boyfriend and with that you are fortunate. You might even find that the b/f is not all you thought, as we love what we can't have until we can have it. You may find another man in a year that you want for a time. Accept it. Accept that your mind and body are not the mind and body of a one man woman. If you have to be sneaky, be sneaky. I f you can be a little open with your guys be open. Just have fun while you can and grow in your love for whoever you love and yourself.

I love this response, sometimes things just are. No amount of thinking or other people judging will change that. Go with how you feel. Nothing is forever xx

Yes, if you don't love him the way u should, then tell him the truth. U already have f up the family when u had a baby with a man your heart and loyalty doesn't belong to. He deserves better than to strung along. If u have a dont ask dont tell, but does that incl. This? And last, I hate to see and say, but if ur leaving when things get better for you, leave now!!!! DONT DO HIM LIKE THAT! !!!! AND UGLY DON'T PAY!!! U MIGHT NOT BE HAPPY ELSEWHERE. STAY, BE RIGHT BE FAITHFUL AND WORK IT OUT. DUMP THE OTHER GUY..HE HAD HIS CHANCE B4

Culturally, the accepted idea is that a woman meets her dream man, falls in love and remains loyal to him for a lifetime. Yet when you observe women you recognize that their hearts are not so reliable or predictable. Part of projectme's issue, and that of fartheraway is that they thought, wrongly, that if the relationship was right, their eye and desires would not wander. It would or could be wonderful if that could be the case. Instead, people, and particularly women are left with confusion and pain. In truth one of the reasons for this is that couples become sexually and romantically lazy and boring. They don't spend time helping each other to grow, but grow we must. There are many couples who evolve relationships that allow sexual pleasure with others. The problem that often arises is the association women have naturally and culturally between sex and love. Love is emotional while sex is physical and emotional. Some people can handle an open relationship. Others cannot. If you are going to have openness, it can be a great thing. Just recognize that the primary relationship serves a different purpose than the dalliance. There are lots of people who are sexually totally loyal out there, but who are not good spouses in other ways. There are lots of people out there who are more sexually free while married, and who are great to be married to in many ways. Don't isolate on one factor when marriage success depends on many factors. A woman can be a great wife while having pleasure with other men. A woman can be a horrible wife while not having sex with others. Another thing, not mentioned here because it is not part of the discussion, but often marriages turn sexless or semi-sexless after only a few years. That too is tragic.

1 More Response

Hello.. I know that these are old post,but I was looking for a site that can relate to what I am going through. I have been with my husband for 13 years with 6 of those years we have been married. I met him when I was 14. He was a friend at the time. When I knew him back then I knew that he was a keeper, but I wasn't into heavy guys because I am heavy myself. Years went by we meet up again when my daughter was 10 months and her dad had just left me for another women. He had called me up oneday after one of his friends saw me at work, I had invited him over to talk cause I havent seen him in years. He spent one night with me and he never left. He was still in love with me after all those years, but I wasn't in love with him. It took me 3 years to fall in love with him because I was still in love with my daughters father. He did and still do anything for me. We have been through hell and high water together. Trust me he is a wonderful man but I still dont love him like I should. I really like smaller guys, Im a plus size woman and he is a plus size man. I meet a guy about 4 months ago, he has a girl friend. When we first started seeing each other we both agreed that it was just a creep thing (no scatches or hickies), but it became more than that. He also has to go home at a certain time to keep everything good at home, he breaks his time fr<x>ame to stay with me longer on many occasions. I am so in love with him and I dont know what to do. I want him to leave his girl friend for me. He is young (26) and has a good head on his sholders. I met his family and they love me. But he wont leave his girl friend. He says he loves me too. I believe him. I just dont understand why he wont leave her. He tells me that sex with me is way better than his girl. When we are out together we act like we are really a couple. We hold hands and kiss and I even met his kids. I wish that I had met him a couple of years ago. I have tried to break things off but he doen't want that, he says he likes thing just the way things are. The only one that happy is him because he has two women that love him. Im tring to get out my marriage to become availible to him anytime. Really I just want to be free to do what I want. I am unhappily married and in love with a man that got his cake and eatting it too.

I know most of you won't take this seriously if anyone reads this, because I am only 20 years old and I admit to not knowing ANYTHING when it comes to marriage, or commitment but I do know what love feels like. <br />
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My whole life, ever since I lost my virginity at 14, I have felt like crap about myself and always searched this type of "run-away" life that was perfect and I really don't know how to word any of this I am sorry I'm bad at this. <br />
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I have cheated on every single person I have ever been with. No word of a lie, and I never want to (I know how bad could I not want to if I do). It's so hard to explain why I do it.<br />
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I fell in love with my boyfriend a long time ago. <br />
We broke up a lot, a lot... <br />
We were going to get back together once. And we had sex, and literally two hours later he started dating my best friend.<br />
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I took him back.<br />
<br />
We dated, we broke up.<br />
He dated my little sister.<br />
<br />
I took him back.<br />
<br />
The next summer, <br />
He screwed my best friend while I was in the room.<br />
<br />
I took him back. <br />
I forgave him, and I feel nothing about any of it.<br />
Is that normal??<br />
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Just this past November I cheated on him, and I fell for the guy.<br />
We talk sometimes, but my boyfriend does not know my feelings towards this person.<br />
I try to tell him but he doesn't want to talk about it. And I really mean that I have tried.<br />
It's like he won't let me leave him and there is something about not being with him that scares me.<br />
Five minutes ago, I was talking to the guy that I want, and I didn't want to get off the phone with him.<br />
He told me he loved me. I said it back, and all of a sudden I just... don't want to see my boyfriend anymore. I realized how unhappy he makes me but I don't know what to do.<br />
<br />
I feel like it's the wrong thing to do even though it's right thing. <br />
I need a kick in the ***, someone please.<br />
Do me the honor.

Zorbas, a little quick to fling out the judgements and scathing critism there when you were only too happy to provide comfort back in the day. <br />
<br />
reformed character? Doubtful

yes i have been there also, i am i n love with 2 men never did want it to happen, but it did i love my husband and kids (kids are grown) but we got married at an early age and now i foind myself wanting to experience life now we meet when i was seventeen so i really never got to date much, and then one came in to my life by pure actient and then talk and talk and one thi ng lead to another, then this other one well he found me i nstead but nether was looking was just wanting someone to talk to on line, then we meet for the first time, (not sexually) but then as he started to leave i want a hug that was it then i kissed him and we want ed m ore then we meet one more time, well then hubby found out we were t alki ng on here and i havent gotten to see him in a while (we still talk ) hide and tak, we are wanti ng to be toghter but is hard his wife and myhusband we just cant find a way i dont know what to do if anyone has any idea please,please hel out,and with hubby ilove him but not i n love with him and iam affraid to tell him i love someone else, i dont want to hurt him, he would get very upset and well lets just say if wouldnt be good, HELP!!!

I am not privy to what transpired to cause the dissolution of your first marriage but it seems quite likely that something that caused that may be at work here. It may well be the proverbial "grass is greener premise" that presents itself in all marriages over time. <br />
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I have had many affairs over the years with married women who profess great affection for their spouses but nevertheless seek intimacy elsewhere. Now I am not proud of that behavior but merely state this to make a point here. <br />
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In many of these relationships the women in order to rationalize their behavior would feel the need for letting emotions rule the day in spite of all the parameters and truths emphasized up front before the dalliances started.<br />
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You profess great love for your hardworking husband and yet still continue playing this game with another married man thus jeopardizing the happiness of a number of others . <br />
<br />
Don't you see a strange inconsistency here?

Well, I know exactly how you feel and I do believe it is possible to be in love with more than one person. The key to everything is being with the one person that makes you the happiest. With me, there were kids involved with both parties and that made things much more complicated. My story does have an ending though as my original post is over one year old. And to look back at it, I can't believe the situation I was in and how things took a turn after that. <br />
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In July of last year, my husband took a contracted job in a city 200 miles from home. He would work there for several weeks and would be home for a few days. While he was gone, I found myself NOT missing him. And actually dreading him coming home. My relationship with the man at work had ended. I ended it because I was tired of him making excuses and honestly had just had enough. But, I still loved and cared for him. What that relationship showed me, though, is that I was clearly not happy and that there is someone out there that can make me happy. I announced to my husband in September, that I wanted a divorce. I felt good about it and knew that it was the right thing to do. I fooling myself in believing that this marriage would last. So, I decided it wasn't fair to my husband to continue to lie to him about being happy. I couldn't see our relationship continuing past the kids graduating...and that's just not fair. Believe me when I say that at no time did I expect my work fling to leave his wife...I knew he wouldn't. But did he play a role? Absolutely. He showed me that there is someone out there for me...someone that can make me laugh and love me for who I am. <br />
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My divorce was final in January. I have not seriously dated anyone since then and right now I am just enjoying my new found freedom. Being single is very foreign to me, but I'm learning as I go. My kids are wonderful! I still have a good relationship with my ex and the kids just want to see me happy. I spend most of my time with them.<br />
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As far as my work fling.... Well, he announced in November, that he and his wife were having a baby. Quite a shock and most def a late in life baby. And had I heard that news just months before, it would have tore me apart. But, I had healed from our relationship and I felt very happy for him and his wife. <br />
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We were both laid off at the beginning of this year so we never see each other. We do keep in he sends me pictures of his new baby. But, our relationship is purely a friendship.

I am completely new to this site and last week created this group: Wish I would have found yours first....<br />
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I have been happily married for years, Years (decades!) Of course we've had troubles, who hasn't? But the thing is, it just keeps getting better and better, hotter and hotter. The problem? I met someone, we are so much alike it's like we share a brain. I feel like I've met my soul mate. How does that fit in with being married young? Is my marriage a mistake? No. I'd absolutely do it again. Do I love my husband? Absolutely yes. The thing is, I grew to love and respect him as much as I do. I was devistated when I realized I had fallen in love with my best friend. Did you read that? Fallen in love. For the first time in my life I actually had fallen in love. My friend has been married for many many happy years (again, decades), too. And he wasn't looking. Niether of us have ever even looked at another person outside our marriages. We just click. Anyone else out there having been happily married, never ventured or strayed and find yourself in love with a capital L with more than one person?<br />
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How did I get here and how do I get out? Do I want out? I never new about palamory, and felt like a freek. I think that is where I fit in. Anyone else out there feel the same? My husband knows how I feel, and when I told my friend how I felt (and didn't want to feel) he was shocked and went home and told his wife. Caused a rift between us as friends, of course. All 3 of us, acutally, Me, him, wife. After I assured her I didnt' want her husband, I just wanted mine, and my husband realized I didn't want anyone else but him, the relationship settled some. I'm not leaving him and he is not leaving her.<br />
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End of Story. Or end of 1st chapter?<br />
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My friend and I continue to be drawn together. He says he loves me but will never be in love with me. He also says if we were both single we would be totether. If we were both single, watch out! You'd see the sparks for miles. We dance around the having an affair issue. Sometimes sexting each other. I'm so confused. Please let me know if you've been through anything similar....

This is my first post and I don't know how old your story is. I have to say, I empathize with your situation and I've felt the way you have. My advice is to let the office guy go. Sure, you have deep feelings for him. It's normal, natural, whatever. You've built those feelings over time. You love your husband AND until you end it with office guy, you will never be fully bonded with your hubby. When there is betrayal like this, the first relationship suffers and stops growing, it's sort of a psychological thing and I can't really explain it - but what I'm trying to say is that your relationship with your husband will get better once you go back to being devoted to him ONLY. Also, a marriage or any love relationship goes through stages and evolutions but, in the end, if you love that person and persevere, it just keeps getting deeper and the issues resolve themselves if you are both committed to helping each other be your best. Besides, because there are children involved, you should really do the best thing for the children - especially if this is a case of choosing one or the other - if there were no children, it would be up to you but, because there are kids involved, choose in their favor. This kind of decision will be rewarded - I can't explain it, I just know it.<br />
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Sorry for rambling, hope I make sense!