Entanglement of Past and Present

i realized that i could no longer remain with my boyfriend of nearly three years as his addictions and abusive behavior took their toll upon the relationship.  leaving him was the most difficult and heart-wrenching decision i have ever made.  however, i realized that the desperate codependence in our relationship was extremely unhealthy, and his obsession with the physicality of our relationship frequently brought me to tears.  despite all these things, we shared an intimate connection unlike i have ever experienced.  he understood me unlike anyone i have ever known and always supported me in my endeavors. for months after i ended things we shared tortured conversations, agonizing meetings and many disputes in attempts to resolve the unresolved.  every day i could hardly bear the recognition of the pain i had caused him, and the agony of leaving the man i loved.  he was my first and only love, never had i intended to love another man.  he has continuously asked me to reconsider and to give him another chance.   however, his passive-agressive tactics of employing my guilt only drove me away.

a dear friend of mine came along side me and began to steady the healing of my heart.  he confessed his feelings to me but at first i turned him down, unable to even concieve of loving another man.  nearly a year after the breakup with my ex, i told my friend i was broken but healing, willing to do my best to give him all i have.  little by little i had realized i was falling for him, fearful and slowly healing.  my boyfriend is sweet and doting, he is considerate and loving.  he is a wonderful person who never pressures me; completely the opposite of everything my ex was.  however, my ex has changed as well.  he has continued to make decisions for the better in his life and has reformed many of his ways. it is now one year and six months later since we separated.  i still think of him continually, i miss him with all of my being and can scarcely bear the periodic silences between us.  when i am alone i find myself in tears longing for his gentleness, his understanding, and many oddities.  and yet i love my boyfriend with everything i can; i feel as though i am unfair to my boyfriend because my ex still possesses so much of my heart.  i feel as though my heart will overflow; i desperately wish for my ex to be happy but he is convinced we are meant to be.  i believed with time i could transcend these feelings and devotion for the man who deeply hurt me; instead i feel as though i have betrayed him and continue to find myself haunted by his ghost.  i have attended counseling yet nothing seems to change...

i love them both so much, but i cannot belong to either of them in this state.

candlelyte candlelyte
1 Response Mar 15, 2009

I completely understand where you are coming from. My ex and I had a volatile relationship, but it was a connection unlike any other I have felt. He too has grown and changed into a doting, loving, and attentive man who says he will love me forever and won't give up hope that we will find our way back to each other. My current boyfriend is everything I ever wanted. He adores me and we plan to marry each other. On one hand, I miss my ex terribly and I long for his touch and his warmth. On the other, I am in love with my current boyfriend and I feel guilty that I am not giving him 100% of my heart. I feel stuck between the two men. It is torture, and I have a very heavy heart. Good luck!