Believe It Or Not, This Is The Short Version Of My Conflicted Heart

Although I didn't meet Boy A until my 2nd year of college, he and I always lived no more than 10 miles away from each other. We both were born on Long Island, moved to the same city in Florida when we were 5. We went to the same elementary, middle, and high school. We had classes on the same night at the community college. We finally met through a mutual friend when we were 20. We didn't start dating immediately, but the love grew from the first second we met each other. Within the first year, we became the best of friends, and eventually went exclusive with it in 2006. We moved to Atlanta together on 7/7/2007 (lucky #'s!), we were madly in love and extremely happy, we had just gotten engaged 3 days before. Things went well for the first year and a half. I got pregnant in October of 2008, and we began planning our life together as a family. In November I mis-carried. Everything changed after that. I still can't tell you why, but I suppose losing a pregnancy effects people in ways they don't fully understand. In a way I was relieved- we weren't ready for a baby- but I also found myself wondering 'what if'. The wondering of 'what if' started to seep into other parts of my life- eventually leading to 'what if this isn't who I should be with' 'what if it was a sign that things wouldn't work out?' I started talking to Boy B again 5 months into 2009.

Boy B and I met while attending the same community college in 2004. I'm not sure that things would have developed if I hadn't given him a ride to school when his car was in the shop. I had another boyfriend at the time, but continued to see Boy B outside of school. We would just sit on benches and talk, go for walks, listen to music. That is where a lot of my muscial influence came from. He introduced me to my now favorite musician. Everything with him was warm and meaningful. After about 4 months I told him the truth- that I had a boyfriend, among other issues, and it wasn't the right time for us to be together. I promised myself at that time to work on my deceitful behavior. To stop sabotaging everything good in my life. To be honest.

Here I am 6 years later, holding the same pattern.

I moved out of the aparment that I shared with Boy A last June. The reasons I claimed were nearly identical to the reasons I gave Boy B in 2005. "I need to work on myself". The real reason? Boy B and I had been talking on and off for over a year and I couldn't stop wondering 'what if'. I moved in with my cousin, and my relationship with Boy B grew, regardless of the hundreds of miles between us. He visited me here, I went there to visit him. Love bloomed. He is the complete opposite of Boy A. Boy B is sensitive, considerate, loving. He wants forever. He wants to share everything with me. Boy A was never sure. He was scared. Hell, I'm still scared- but the idea of forever can seem so comforting.

Now here I am, 6 months later. Boy B moved here in October. Boy A and I started seeing each other regularly not too long after that. We never really stopped, I suppose. I have had my bumpy moments with each of them, but I love them both very much. For the past 2 months I have been living a double life. Boy B and I rent a house with another roommate who is trying deperately to 'find me out' and share his finding with both of them. As honest as I am with them about most things, they have no idea that I'm in another relationship. Another serious relationship. If I had the energy to keep this charade up for the rest of my life I would. But it's exhuasting- and there is potential for people to get hurt. Bad.

I love them both, there is no question about that. I will always love them. Both of them bring out something in me that no one else can. It isn't that I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid to hurt them. So now I am left with two choices - pick someone or end both. I am leaning towards the latter.

Sometimes I think about how different it would be had I just told the truth. But it is what it is.


WHAT WOULD YOU DO?