Advice That I Received

I was once told by a friend that just because two truths contradict each other, does not mean that they are mutually exclusive. In fact, she said, the biggest mistake that people make in life is assuming that only one of the contradicting truths must be true and trying to force that to be the case. If we allow ourselves to recognize our competing truths in our hearts and minds, eventually we will come to a satisfactory resolution.

Now, let me be honest, that may be a little too zen for me, but I do believe in non-mutually exclusive competing truths and the importance of being honest with yourself. I am not truly in love with two people, I'm in love with one man but while I'm not 'in love' with my husband, I love him more.

This situation is such a mess, as all of us in it know. I have decided to cut things off with my other man and try to focus on my marriage, see if I can find the happiness I'm looking for there, but I'm terrified. My marriage is beautiful, wonderful, in its own way but its dysfunctional. There isn't a better man on earth than the one I married, but we don't relate to each other as husband and wife. Somehow we relate to each other on this childlike plane and our marriage is completely devoid of any adult physical or emotional intimacy (we very very rarely have sex...and when we do...suffice it to say its not exactly the act of 'making love'). I don't know how to change this, though I've tried, and yes I've spoken to him about it too but it hurts him every time and I relent and fall back into what is easy in the short term. But the love I have for him...I've never known love like this. When I look at him, my heart bursts with love and affection. And despite what we lack, our marriage is very loving and affectionate - we hug and cuddle all the time. But without a hint of sexuality, and that's where it stays.

I met a man at work almost two years ago now and we fell in love fast and hard. I've been battling my feelings for him for so long now....I cut off contact, although that resolve has never worked in the past, but I feel its my only option to get out of this mess. But I miss him, God, do I miss him. He and I had everything my marriage lacked, the deepest, most wonderful friendship, of the quality I had searched for (in vain) my whole life, and passion, chemistry so intense it was palpable. I love him and I'm in love with him. I fantasize about being married to him, living with him. He wants me to make the leap, to end my marriage and be only his. But the pain and shame and guilt that I would feel for destroying not only my marriage but potentially my husband, and the sheer heartache from the loss of my wonderful husband and his love would literally destroy such a large part of me...I couldn't do it.

Its a true catch 22. Hopefully my competing truths will resolve themselves in such a way that the resolution will manifest into a happy, healthy fulfilling life for me. But to be honest, I'm not overly optimistic.

Thanks for listening.
IJustWantYouToKnowWhoIAm IJustWantYouToKnowWhoIAm
36-40, F
2 Responses Sep 10, 2011

I know EXACTLY what this is like. I was with my ex for 6 1/2 years. I loved him beyond anything, but was not in love. We had the same dynamic as you describe with your husband. It has been 5 years since we broke up. I'm in love with someone else who incidentally just broke my heart. But the love I feel for my ex is like no other. It's not passionate love, but it's string. I would take a bulletin for him, and I wouldn't even do that for the guy I'm in love with.

"Hopefully my competing truths will resolve themselves in such a way that the resolution will manifest into a happy, healthy fulfilling life for me. " Yes. This