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Two Men One Heart

I'm torn. I'm lost. I'm broken. I'm in love with two people. How is that even possible? I don't understand it. One, we'll call John, I've known since High school. He was there as a friend through every trial it had to bring. Abusive boyfriend, abusive father, separated parents, Heck I practically raised my little brothers and sister. And John was there through it all, always telling me it was okay, helping me, telling me he loved me, taking me away when I needed to go, and letting me cry in his arms when I didn't know what to do. When I finally got out of the abusive relationship with my Ex, John was thankful and wanted me to be his. I couldn't do it.. I was broken and he didn't deserve that. I was home from an away school program for the weekend and I asked him for two weeks to try and collect myself, just two weeks. It seems so silly now... We spent every moment of that weekend together. He made me laugh, feel beautiful, feel loved, I was on top of the world. Every time I looked into his eyes I was so happy. I could see the passion radiate from him, but I was too scared.. I left and went back to school. About two weeks later I came home willing to try to be the woman he knew was inside me. But 4 years and two weeks was too long for him. He moved on and started dating another girl. My world was crushed. I didn't yell at him or anything but I cried, every night, for weeks. They had been dating for about a year when I finally moved on and started dating a man 3 years younger than me, we'll call him Dave. I thought he was perfect, charming, loved me, I could tell him anything. He made me laugh, I was at home in his arms... about 6 months into mine and Dave's relationship, John called me and told me that he broke up with his girlfriend... He couldn't love her the way he loved me... I ignored it. He had wanted to marry her, he had had sex with her (I've never had sex, not even now, I want to be married) I just didn't know what to do so I pretended there was nothing there. 6 months later, my anniversary with Dave, he gives me a promise ring. I accept it. We start planning a life, when to get married and what not. He slowly started to change though. He was always mad or short with me.. I wasn't laughing anymore and being around him just made me uncomfortable.. although I love him his attitude made him ugly. ... And now 6 months later.. here I am... In love with both guys. I just saw John... and we took a walk and the next thing I know we're kissing in a passionate moment of tears and love... I told him we shouldn't have and can't anymore I love Dave, but John knows I love him too. I feel horrible about the kiss... The only one that knows about the other is John. He says he knows one day we'll be together and he's waiting for it... Truth is I'm afraid of making the wrong choice... Truth is i love them both... But I don't know what to do... I just don't know...
Icantimagine Icantimagine 18-21, F 4 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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pick John.

im not really in a position to give advice, other than to say listen to your heart....and dont worry about what other people think. other than that, if youre really truly confused, stay with dave and tell john you need a month or two to get things straight in your heart and head. if hes in love with you, hell understand. and then take that time and truly try to figure out if you can be happy with dave for the rest of your life...i wish you luck, and peace and contentment with your decision.

The timing between John and I has just never worked out. And then I fell in love with Dave and we were happy and then John showed back up in my life and it was a flood of old emotions. I don't know if its only because I feel like "he's the one who got away" or what, but I don't want to always wonder "what if" either...

why do you feel that john would be the wrong choice? from your story it sounds like he is the one you are truly in love with but you feel like dave is the one you 'should' feel that way about. so what is it about dave that makes you think that and what is it about john that makes you think hes wrong?