Like Never Before

I have been in a relationship once before my current one. I would like to say that what was between him and me was never real, and that I was never truly in love with him, but I can't. That'd make me a liar and if there is anything I don't wanna be here on EP, it's a liar.

After the ending of my first relationship, I have been single for 10 months. I was emotionally broken, and male people could scare me by just looking at me the wrong way. My ex has done a lot more damage than he knows. He didn't just break my heart. He shattered it. Not even by robbing me of him as a person. But by stepping on my self image and breaking it into pieces, only a few months after I thought I had restored it completely.

But let's be real. I have been fooling myself. I must admit that I wasn't in love with my ex in the beginning of our relationship. We got together the most stupid and pathetic way possible. We got drunk. We got so incredibly drunk we didn't even know who we were making out with anymore. When it turned out to be us, we stayed together. At the time I was unstable and shattered. I had low self esteem and while everyone thought I was perfectly happy, I was secretly broken. I stayed with him because I thought he could help me get myself together. And with that, I made myself dependent of him, and gave him the opportunity to shatter me the way he did.

Before that one drunk night, I had a very nice and loving friendship with the person who is now my boyfriend. He was in love with me, and the shameful thing is... I was in love with him as well. But I was young, insecure, even scared to admit it before he did. I didn't think of the possibility he was too. When I got together with my ex, it shattered him completely, and then he finally got to admit he was in love with me. Stupid enough, being still in love with him, I couldn't tell him I had felt the same way all the time, and still did. The first weeks with my ex were not nice for me at all. I was in a relationship with someone but my heart belonged to someone else. Even though I wasn't aware of it all the time, it still broke me down. It took me a while to forget about him.

When my ex broke up with me(after 6 months), I was heartbroken anyway. Somewhere on the way I had still fallen in love with him, and having believed he loved me, it was very painful for me to be alone again.

And then, after a while, that old friend(now boyfriend) showed up again. We have been friends for 8 months or so before we got together and after my ex broke up with me. Once again I noticed how he was able to look at me with love, but no direct lust. He was calm and able to wait for me. He had forgiven me for breaking his heart once. And though we never spoke about it, I knew what had been between us months ago was still there. And kind of shocked I had to admit I was falling in love with him again. That I had probably never fully fallen out of love with him.

It still took us 8 months to find the courage to give 'us' a chance. From the moment we met(march 2007) and the moment we got together(july 2008) we have both been with other people and we have both been hurt. We are aware of the fact that we could have prevented that from happening, and sometimes, that hurts. He seems to be a lot more sad about it than I am, but he has done more(physically) with his girlfriend though he never loved her than I did with my boyfriend. 

Still we both know that we have learned from what happened before. Unlike my ex, he is patient and completely honest with me. He knows I am not an easy person to be with, and to be honest, neither is he. Not really. But I am fully and completely dedicated to him. And we know that we will probably not break up in a long time. We might not ever...

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Aug 25, 2008