Always

I have been in love constantly over the last two years. It may seem like a short time, insignificant almost, but for a sixteen year old it feels like eternity.

I met him at a concert being held in our school. I was suddenly, abruptly, faced with something I had refused to believe in all my life - love at the first sight. Ironic, really, because I always told myself I would never, ever lose my heart to a member of the male race. I had always been a tomboy; climbing trees, breaking bones. Wearing my favourite jeans until they just fell off my butt. Wearing caps, sneakers that looked as if they had been dug up from miles under the earth and shirts with pictures of my favourite bands printed on them. Just doing what I felt like doing, not worrying about the always unanswered question if I would ever find someone to share myself with. It just did not matter to me. I was despised by some, but it did not matter - I had the like I care - attitude.

Secretly my self esteem was miles below zero.

So, I met him and what happened I could not comprehend. I... ran. A long time after that I got into a relationship with him anyway. It did not last. It was like I wanted it too much. He is depressed, traumatized. It was hard, it was very very hard. Being without him now is at least just as hard. I can not explain this connection between his heart and mine. He has been raised by an unstable, depressed mother who hit him, forced him to play the piano for hours, and to learn Russian because he was born there. He has no childhood friends and does not know children's books or classical movies like the Lion King. He does not know love. All he knows is discipline. I have been raised by a depressed father whose disease left its impression on me, but who cared for me above anything else in this world and used to read me stories, and a mother who was strong and loving enough to neutralize the tension coming from her sick husband and keep herself standing at the same time. I know the infinite importance of love and acceptation and I sense the difference between right and wrong, between the truth and a lie. I act on my strongly developed intuition.

We are different. He pushes me away for what I know. I am worried about him, and I miss him deeply every day. Every breath subconsciously reminds me of this affection. I love him, and it pains me a great deal. I miss him, but even though he told me many times that there are so many others on this planet who can give me what I deserve and what he could not provide, I know I will never feel this way again about anyone else. He is part of me, and he will always be, whether we are in a relationship or not. Whether I see him or not.

 

JojaRodenaLente JojaRodenaLente
18-21, F
Feb 22, 2009