A Lover's Rant.
I realize this everyday when i have myself yearning for a smile to cross her face, i cant even explain the calm that it gives, it actually makes me feel some worth when i can make her smile. For sometime now I have not been really doing anything and lost all purpose in life, it was like I was falling into a never ending pit of darkness and was loosing myself to it. She came like a bright ray of light that tore apart that void of darkness and pulled me back into my senses. She is my muse of life. Everything i do in my life now is her. She is my goal, my destiny that I have chosen for myself. I dont think I have ever credited her fully for this but she is one of the reasons for my existence today.
I also wanted to admit something. I blabber a lot to her, that i am there for her and stuff but in truth i dont really do any of those, i am hardly ever capable of picking her up on her bad days, which i know is a big failure as a s/o. I know writing this story does not justify my mistake but it feels a little better admitting that. I wish that I could do better to keep her happy, its not that I dont try, but its just not enough and i dont know anymore being so far away what can i do.
Her happiness is something that I want more than anything else, even more than i want her. Its like her happiness is key to my happiness and i fail in that over and over again. I dont even know what I am saying anymore, i have all these feelings running through me right now. I am in a partial state of conciousness right now, feels like i am floating in some subspace of my mind.
I am all confused now.
I just know i am in love, deeply in love and i feel like I am failing terribly at everything related to it. And i want to say sorry for all of it and than her for giving me my life back...
I love you.