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A Lover's Rant.

I realize this everyday when i have myself yearning for a smile to cross her face, i cant even explain the calm that it gives, it actually makes me feel some worth when i can make her smile. For sometime now I have not been really doing anything and lost all purpose in life, it was like I was falling into a never ending pit of darkness and was loosing myself to it. She came like a bright ray of light that tore apart that void of darkness and pulled me back into my senses. She is my muse of life. Everything i do in my life now is her. She is my goal, my destiny that I have chosen for myself. I dont think I have ever credited her fully for this but she is one of the reasons for my existence today.

I also wanted to admit something. I blabber a lot to her, that i am there for her and stuff but in truth i dont really do any of those, i am hardly ever capable of picking her up on her bad days, which i know is a big failure as a s/o. I know writing this story does not justify my mistake but it feels a little better admitting that. I wish that I could do better to keep her happy, its not that I dont try, but its just not enough and i dont know anymore being so far away what can i do.

Her happiness is something that I want more than anything else, even more than i want her. Its like her happiness is key to my happiness and i fail in that over and over again. I dont even know what I am saying anymore, i have all these feelings running through me right now. I am in a partial state of conciousness right now, feels like i am floating in some subspace of my mind.

I am all confused now.

I just know i am in love, deeply in love and i feel like I am failing terribly at everything related to it. And i want to say sorry for all of it and than her for giving me my life back...

I love you.

 

Floydian Floydian 22-25, M 27 Responses Sep 25, 2009

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Hey. That's exactly what my boyfriend said. He's being deployed to Korea and he feels like he's going to lose me because he figures I'll be so lonely with him gone that I'll leave him. He says I make him so happy but he feels like he can't pick me up out of bad days because he's simply not around. That our situation is sad and un-hopeful. But I tell him that I committed to this relationship because I knew the things I was going up. .. weighed the options. .. and still went for it. And I love him. Completely unconditionally

Maybe she wasn't happy within herself. Talking from experience (never been loved) but have experienced depression and its difficult to get happy when another tried to make me happy. So it's not your fault. You've done everything you could. And it's not her fault too cuz she had to go with the flow of her emotions.

Yeah i understand.

Glad you're an understanding person. Time is everything. Maybe one day u two get back together again.

Wish a man love me that much.

This is beautiful. Thanks for reminding me what it feels like to love someone.

Its a feeling we all need to be reminded of from time to time. I am sure you will find someone who will make you feel this way again :)

very eloquant and sad you broke up.

Things end but id rather be happy that they happened :)

okay - I guess thats a good thing

It happened a while ago but it did happen, as time passes this is just one of your experiences, but it is eloquent, thanks for sharing!

Thank you and I kind of agree with what you said but it is so much out of perspective now. Its almost like I cannot even relate to those feelings anymore. They seem too juvenile or something.

Yes, you were certainly in love :)

Haha this was a long time ago.

Thanks for those words of encouragement. I appreciate it a lot! :) But as you have seen this was a long time ago and we had some problems we were trying to work thorugh and we managed. :) I dont think im a failure, it was just a feeling that I felt..a feeling that I was failing.

you're not failing terribly, but she can not teach you that or show you that.. or even love you out of it.. that's a reality that you have to face by yourself.. you have the final say on whether or not you're a failure or a success.. you are, whatever you believe you are!

She's blessed to have a man who willingly talks about and admits such things.. That said, one should never depend fully on another for their own happiness.. .. It's fantastic that she makes you happy.. but sooner or later (my guess is sooner) one or both of you is going to fall short in that dpt, and then feel awful, like you're no longer enough for the other.. and that can just spiral downward, and lead you towards even darker places than you realize..places of rejection mostly.. Each of you must find happiness on your own, and then bring that happiness to the other..



why were you so sad?

great story.you should know that you are happy..because you can love someone so much..you're capable of feeling that.not everyone can.and she is happy to have someone that loves her like you do.very inspiring story.

Nothings meant to last forever, everything passes, thats the best thing i think i can say to you at the moment. Even if not now, i believe you will have a chance to experience what you want at least once in your lifetime, just dont expect it back from someone you feel that way about, will save the hurt that way...

lol You sound like edward cullen from twilight, I mean that as a compliment (*I LOVE twilight*) Its so sweet romantic and deep> I wish I had someone feel that way about me. But I do feel that way about somebody in my life.

I am holding on to my love will always do that no going back on it, but you knew what i would reply to marcus then you know the feeling too. *hugs*



Thanks for your wishes and I hope you are able to work on it as well.

That is a direct and honest approach to a new beginning of a positive change within you. Follow your heart. I too love someone deeply like this but instead of acting on it, I swallow my feelings and move on with things. So....I can relate. Good luck with whatever outcome plays out for you!

Thanks for the advice booklover, i am honest with her always. speaking lies wont get us anywhere is how i see it. thanks.

thanks angel, i know you can understand. I wish you also happiness!! *hugs*

she knows it and knows how much it means to me. Its not even her fault i get like this, its all in me!



I just know I want to do more, and i dont want credits, that smile is all i want, and not a fake one..



Thanks dude.

Fair point. So tell her that about her smile, and keep at it....



We can only do so much, true, but I'd bet you do a lot more than you give yourself credit for...



:)

I know marcus, that i cant fix it all the time and its not my fault that shes unhappy most of the time. But the thing is that seeing her unhappy is not something i can live with. I just want to be able to do more for her and i guess most part of it comes wit dist as i cant really do much being so far away. someone near her would be able to do more right? i tend to compete with situation i should not or perhaps i should, it gets really confusing sometimes and i cant contain it. My being anything does not really mean in this situation, i may be the king of the universe but at the end of the day if i cant get a smile across that face its a failure for me. Loving and caring is not always enough you know, as a partner you need to have a lot of other attributes too. After all its all just for a smile for me.

Floyd: I know exactly what you mean. But I think you know deep down it doesn't work like that.



What I mean is, her being happy or not happy isn't always your fault.



Some of the time you will be able to make her happy.



Some of the time you may, unintentionally make her sad.



But sometimes people just feel what they feel, and it's OK for you to not be able to "fix" that.



What matters is that you tell your love that you care for her, and that you will be there for her in as many ways as you can given the situation and circumstances.



Nobody's perfect, ya know...;)



Trust me when I say that she *will* get the message, even if it doesn't always elicit the happy response that you are hoping for.



Love is a many-sided, many-splendoured thing, and it would take centuries to figure out all of its permutations and combinations.



My advice: have a little more faith in yourself, in her, and roll with things a little. We can't be perfect fixers of everything, and life would be pretty boring if we were.



The rest will usually sort itself out...trust me.



You are a great guy. I believe it, and so do many others here.



And I'll bet the farm that your love thinks exactly the same thing, no matter how goofy or quirky you are. :)



marcus

Thanks flour.

sweet story my friend. I am glad you are !

yup it has to do with opinions. that is my personal one.



thats good for you because long dist relationships are really very hard. It gets so intense sometimes when you just need each other.

You know listening to that all is nice and flattering, it really is, helps you feel pretty good too, but in the bigger picture isint it useless if i cant see her happy at the end of the day? Having all this love for someone and you cant even do anything with it or more to it just hurt them, that does not really work.



And that idea hurts so much you cant even imagine, yeah you cant expect that from anyone i get that but its like i want to be that, something i really want.



*hugs*

You know genie the thing is that my feelings for her have surpassed every boundary. Probably as you say that is all i can do but its not enough for me, her suffering is something that hurts me, i cant see her suffer and i guess its selfish because seeing her suffer hurts me, but that's the way it is. And i am just admitting the truth to be frank. I really dont do anything thats worthy enough to be acknowledged. I really have doubts if i am even fit as a partner.

thanks for the wish mm.

She will go tears when she reads this! I thank Ep for making u both meet....Let u both see only happiness!