"i Am In An Unhappy Marriage"

My story goes back some 20 years ago. I was going out with a guy for 7 years, I really loved him, but he was possessive and abusive. My parents did not like him because of this traits, but never told me anything. During the 7 years, he was abusive to me but i still stuck through all. There were two occasions where i found out he had a fling, but we sorted it out and moved on. 

Where I was working, there were lots guys working there, and I think he felt threathend by this. Everyone kew about my b/f and how possesive he was. One of the guys from work hes sister got married, so he invited me. My parents took me to the wedding, he found out that I went for the wedding the same day, he came home, when I opened the door he starting beating me, I could take the violence and thought to myself I'm not taking this anymore, I called for my parents to tell what he was doing, he got angry with me y I called my parents and pulled out a gun for my father, I called my neighbour to stop him. I told him to leave. I had no contact from him for about a month. He tried calling but I never spoke to him.

The second month I spoke to him, and used to visit him at hes work, without my parents knowing. I still had the love for him, but was scared if my parents found out how with they react. My mum said I must either choose between him or my parents. This all happened in 1996.

Four months later I met my husband, he was so pleasant, not possessive, let me go where I wanted to go, never questioned me about my finances, but took my from me for hes family. I thought this was a great guy cos I was getting all the opposites from my previous relationship. In 1998 we got married. I was not ready to have kids anytime soon, I wanted to travel around, buy a house, we were renting at my parents. One year later everyone started asking when we having kids and he always put the blame on me that I don't want to have kids. On the second year of our marriage I fell pregnant, it was not planned. I was not disappointed but thought I have not achieved what I wanted in life. after my daughter was born, my husband used to leave me alone and play volleyball with hes friends, used to give hes mother money without telling me, wanted me to wear dresses when I visit hes family (and I DON"T wear dresses) never used to buy groceries cos we stayed with my parents.

After my daughter was born I started missing all the feelings my ex b/f gave me that protection, that love, the security, that caring, but never told my husband, I kept it in me. 2 1/2 years later I felt pregnant again, after my 2nd daughter was born, while I was on maternity leave I saw my ex at a shopping mall he was with hes daughter alone,  I just thought my husband will never take my daughter anywhere alone cos he say he can't manage, what a responsible dad he is. We exchanged numbers. This now is 10 years after our break-up. He is married with one child.

After my maternity leave, I got back to work, we started phoning each other, then we started seeing each other during lunch breaks. This is now from 2004. I have realised what a change person he is, I am now with him for 5 years he has not been abusive to me, and also I am not scared of him, during these years i feel loved by someone, protected, he helps me be a better person.

Someone saw us together and told hes wife,  (my ex aunt used to live in my moms granny flat, thats how I met him) so he wife phoned my mum and got my husbands number, she told my husband, I denied it. It was swept under the carpet. But after that he got suspicious. And in between more people saw us, and more people told hes wife. My husband got PI to follow us. They managed to get a photo of us walking on the street.

In 2006 my husband moved out,  he moved out for 5 months. He applied for a divorce, but was being very ugly about the whole thing wanted to sue me, and he R300 000.00 but only wanted to give me R30 000.00. while he moved out he also had a firlfriend. But he stopped the proceedings cos he said lets work things out for the children. He moved back.

I am living in a loveless marriage. I now realise I did'nt marry for love because I don't love my husband. We been for counsellingbut it did'nt help. I was the most happiest person when my husband moved out. I did'nt have anyone to be suspicious to me. I'm scared to divorce cos of my kids and my parents, I fear the consequences. But sometimes I think i don't care if my parents right me off at least i'll be happy and at peace with myself. My ex b/f says he wants to divorce hes wife, but to me it not about leaving my husband and committing myself to another man. "I want to be happy", all my life I've been doing things to please people, I want to be happy now. I am financially stable and can survive on my own with the two kids.

Although I love my ex, and will always love him, we spoke about us being together, but I told him he needs to divorce cos he wants to and not for me.
Everyday I am so miserable, take anti depressant tabs, sleeping tabs. Has anyone been in my situation, please advice. I know this is a very long story......