My Life Divine

I want to first of all thanks everyone in this group who is honest enough to share their deepest secret and their past.

I was 16 and thought I was as cool as could be. I had a bunch of friends in high school, a boyfriend seven years older than I was who had a Harley Davidson. There were constant parties at my place (I moved out when I was 15). I was sexy, and I knew it. We had a lot of alcohol filled nights.

That is when I was first introduced to marijuana. A couple we were helping were doing bottle tokes. There was no pressure for me to use but I was very curious. I had to try it out. The woman talked for hours, but I have no idea what she said. I was in oblivion. I hated it.

Over time, I would smoke oil and weed. At first it was very casual. I stopped when I had my first son. But right after my second son was born I started smoking drugs with my university n buddies. I introduced a few newcomers to the thrill. At first it was just an occasional thing. After a few years it became a weekend thing. Then it became an hourly thing.

I converted my garage into a room furnished with carpet, and couches, and a coffee table and it became out smoking room. Many friends would come over and we had fun. I would lock the door so my kids would not enter. They knew never to disturb me while in the garage. One day, my youngest came in and I dragged him out, spanked him and punished him. Poor thing cried and wailed. I was so upset that he caught me using.

Eventually, we were evicted from that house for drug use.

Years later proved no different. My drug addiction came first and rent became second. My children and I were constantly moving, homeless or in shelters. Every so often I would have a suicide attempt always for someone to find me and call the ambulance to save me. I could not hold a job down. And then my ex fiance, the love of my life, left me.  I would sleep with any guy that came my way looking for any shred of happiness.But that only made me content for a short time.

How to deal with the pain? Use drugs.

My youngest son decided to live with his father to avoid the craziness. My eldest would constantly believe me when I said things would change, and things would be for the better. But they were never better. And things did not change.

Then we were homeless yet again. And I was a my wits end. I had enough of life, enough of pain, and enough of everything. Another suicide attempt. This time the cops found me passed out in my running car with a hose in the window.

I was persuaded into going to detox but I did not think it would help.

Then I went through a 19 week residential program for women with addictions. Now I have new friends. I have learned to live again, laugh, and enjoy myself. I am happy today. In two days, I am 7 months clean. I have an awesome sponsor. My relationship with my sons is still broken but it will take time to mend. I go to regular meetings.

Thank you Narcotics Anonymous.
RavenmoonCanada RavenmoonCanada
36-40, F
2 Responses Sep 16, 2012

Thats an amazing story. I hope you are still doing well :-)

Thank you Raven , for sharing this heartrending story with us.You inspire me.
Congrats for the 7 months of daily miracles.
Keep coming back.
Love n hugs

Over 2 years now...

This is Great news indeed, Raven !! I'm so glad to know this.
Big Congratulations for the 2+ years !
May you stay clean n spread the light
Love n Hugs