Lost For Words

I awaken today with a new perspective. Am I so lonely that having someone talk to me good or bad is better than just being alone? Something is mixed up, messed up, or crazy. Over the last few months I have been going through a heart-wrenching and confusing situation. Today, like a bolt of lightning, it hit me, I have lost all respect for myself and my fear of rejection is so strong, I will not or cannot stand up for myself. Where and when did this happen? 

Yes, oh yes, ever so slowly and gradually I think.

For an example: This person in my life is looking for job. I thinking I am doing the right thing talks him "up".....tell him all will be okay, have faith in himself he is smart, only a matter of time, blah, blah, blah. This went on for a couple of weeks. I was then told, "I don't need you to do this"... "I don't want you to talk like this anymore"....I was devastated. The hurt I felt was sad hurt. I explained I was only trying to help. Bottom line, I hid my hurt and agreed to these "conditions."

So, I said on another day how I have empathy for him, how I had gone through the same thing, how I knew the fear he was feeling, blah, blah, blah. The next day I was reprimanded and told he did not want to talk about this with me. He said he talks to everyone else about this, but he wants me to talk to him in a non-serious "easy" talk.

To keep this short, let's just say this goes on and on until I am so unsure what I can say or cannot say, now, I only ask how he is, how is his day going, and then silence.

At what time did I allow him to become a patriarchal figure in my life? If I am not here to talk, he says I don't care. If I am here to talk, he dictates the conversation. I am lost what to do.




lonelylostinvisible lonelylostinvisible
61-65, F
7 Responses Sep 28, 2009

HI<br />
How is your health these days? Are you able to exercise and possibly lift weights? I hope you're feeling better both phyisically and emotionally! <br />
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One of the best ways to take care of ourselves is by being around positive, genuinely caring people! You truly deserve to be happy!

Thank you ladee56 for your support and kindness. Truthfully, last year was like a blur. I guess everyone has a year like this....alone, tired, hurt, confused. I realize now I truly have no one to blame but myself. Because I had been so ill, I think I had just grown too tired to fight for myself anymore. Maybe I felt I deserved that treatment, but only because the way I was feeling about myself at the time. All this happened when I was going through treatment for a serious health condition. I guess I was just feeling...."nothing"...and my expectations were too high thinking he would be there for me to help me through. The world doesn't stop just because you do. Anyway, it would be wonderful to have you as my friend. <br />
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Thank you and blessings to all of you for finding me and helping me through this. Anytime, anyone needs to just talk or you feel alone or scare, please know I will be here for you too.<br />
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If I helped just a bit, I'm so happy! I seem to always help others more than I ever able to help myself - especially when in a real downner. So I Thank You for cheering me up.! Hope you have held on to your sense of self, it is really a giant step!, but if you fall down again just don't worry about it. You'll be back again in no time! My personal way is that my mood changes for the least reason. Happy,Sad,Mad,Glad,Totally Frustrated - and then it can happen all over again, and not always in the same order. I sure hope I have helped because I am guilty to fault (BigTime) of being one of those "Do as I say, not as I do!" lol I'm sending this with a great big hug!<br />

Thank you BCBoomer58 for commenting on my story. If you are going through something similar, I truly sympathize with you. It has been awhile since this post, and I managed to work through this. Now, when he comes online, ask.."what kind of day are you having?"....then if he starts his usual nasty, I say quietly.....you know I love you, but right now I don't like you much!....How dare I say this right? Instantly, he wants to know why...and instantly, I now have my control back.

Thank you for voicing a feeling and situation for a feeling I have yet to share. Great big Hug!

Thank you jacqdn for your insight. I know at times I am too close to a situation and cannot see it clearly. I guess I just "let it go" because he is going through an emotional time right now, but isn't it wrong to make excuses for his rudeness? He tells me he is not rude but blunt. How can you tell the difference?

Maybe he's just going through an emotional time and is taking it out on you because you're closest to him. Being there for somebody is great, but you don't have to take being hurt in the process. Let him know how he makes you feel and that you'll participate within your conditions (e.g. be respectful).