I Don't Know Which Is Worse...

I've been lonely for a lot of years.  This has only been compounded, over the last few years by men only wanting sex or sex chat and making me feel worse.  My son's father has been trying to get back into my bed for the past 4 years, our son is 5.  In December he had picked my up from work and turned into an octopus.  I told him that he already had two women he did need me in the mix.  He said... "I don't need a woman... I need a ****".  Lovely... now I'm basically being told I'm nothing... not even a woman just hole...

Several months ago I got in touch with a friend from YK only to find out he had been interested in me when I was there.  I had been interested in him too and told him so.  Well... I had gone up there for a couple of weeks in September and we were supposed to hook up but I had no idea that my submissive nature was going to kick in in high gear so I couldn't make a move.  I could only wait for an order or command.  At this time I was fighting my submissive nature... it seemed abhorrent to me.  Anyways... when I came back home we started chatting online & talking on the phone and he told me he wanted me. 

He told me he was comfortable with me...

he told me he like talking with me...

he told me he wanted to see me when he moved down here....

I was excited that he was coming down here... I wanted to do whatever made him happiest... even satisfy his breeder fetish.

I wanted him.  What's really sick... is I still want him.  Someone shoot me please!

Several weeks ago we had been chatting online but I had been doing other things and not really chatting so I closed the chatbox.  Then his chatbox popped up with... "not fair... she's already wet."  Huh.... so I replied "let me guess... wrong conversation?".  It went on like that... he seemed to expect some sort of reaction that I really couldn't give and I told him so.  I had said... "what you do on your own time is your business.  It's not like anything is happening between us".  Which was true!  He never once said that I was his.  I wanted to be his.  I still want to be his.


He hasn't spoken to me since.  I had asked him for coffee so we could talk this out.  He wanted to re-schedule for lunch the following Monday and said he would call... but he didn't.  It's been a week...


He's been online and won't even acknowledge me.

I'm not sure which is worse... the crushing loneliness... or the broke heart.

I feel broken all over.

Kyomoon Kyomoon
36-40, F
4 Responses Feb 8, 2010

I hope so too maybetheone... as long as I keep on keeping on things will get better. Thanks for the hug! :o)

Ugh..sorry to hear about your bad luck. I do think you have better things in store. <br />
I hope that things are improving and you feel better.<br />
warm hug , mb

Thank-you for your kind words augustrose... I appreciate them more than you know.

I am so sorry sweetheart. I know your pain, but you need to delete him from your chat. block him. shut the door. He's turned his back on you and as hard as it is and as painful as it is you need to bury the hopes, the dreams that you will have a relationship with this man, and grieve and let go. If you need to talk to someone, I'm here. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Be strong. It is in you, you just need to find it within you. Hugs