Broken

I have been drinking since I was 24.  In high school I would get so down and depressed, then snap out of it and be pursuing a plan for self improvement.  This has been my pattern for so long.  I'd pursue a project and be so enthusiastic about it then one day I would just lose interest and go on a spiral of self-destruction.  At this time (high school), i read an article on depression and told my parents who are both doctors that this is me but my mother told me there is nothing wrong with me.  I thought I was achieving my dreams after so many setbacks mainly due to lack of self-confidence and fears but it has been a slow decline.  At 43, my father finally read an article on bipolar depression and felt that it described me exactly.  So they sent me to a psychiatrist and she initially diagnosed me with bipolar II then changed the diagnosis to major depressive disorder because of my response to medication.  At first, with the medications, it was like a cloud had lifted and I felt free and light, stopped drinking and accepted who I was where I was and all that.  However, I went back to alcohol and it has been downhill since.  I stopped seeing the psychiatrist and stopped my meds.  Slowly, my interest in life has been fading. Now at 46, I feel so hopeless and lost, wanting to end it all and wondering if there is still hope for a better future at this age.  I live with my family, have no job except for a small home-based business which earns only during the Christmas season, no savings.  I rely on my family and I feel, deep inside, they resent it and I know I would too if I were in their place. My mother has been so kind to me and prays for my recovery from depression and alcoholism. In the recent past, about a month ago, I was able to stop drinking for 2 weeks and combined this with exercise and diet and I felt so good I bought new clothes, something I haven't done in the last 5 years.  But I lost it again. I feel so lonely and alone and am glad I have my dog who is my only friend. What do you do when, by your own choices, you have ruined your life, failed to use your gifts and talents?  I feel so broken and wish I could get stage 4 cancer and die soon. I really can't go on this way.