"Understanding"

I went to A.A. for a few years, because I had a drinking and drug problem then I got "a belly full of A.A. and a head full of booze (ego)" where there was nothing else to do but get on my knees and start praying whereupon things started to unfold. I was looking around for a sponsor at meetings but got directed to this step study group instead which was run by 4 men well known in the A.A. community with at least 50 years sobriety between them. They had a way of sneaking you through the steps because of the ego's balking and questioning once the Truth in introduced into the psyche, but I was more than willing because I knew that if I went back to drinking the way I was I was going to die one way or another.

When I got a quarter of the way through the 9th step as was at the point where I had to admit my former misgivings to my enemies and there was this woman whom I knew in the fellowship whom I thought to be a "*****" and she was sharing about a rough time that she was going through at a meeting so I made it a point to talk to her after the meeting, which I did and admitted my former ill felling toward her and apologized and realized she was just another human being going through the bumps of growth. She forgave me, we hugged and I walked out into the patio and a few seconds later I felt this wet spot in the pit of my belly which then shot down my legs to the bottoms of my feet and shot back up like a geyser through the rest of my body. It was like all the fear that was in my body was washed away and left with Pure Love permeating through every molecule of my body.

I was flabbergasted and dumbfounded because I have never experienced anything like that before in my life and that if this was "God" it was way beyond my "understanding". I sat in the chair I had fallen into for 20 minutes maybe an hour just basking in this state, then I decided to drive home and wondered if it was safe given my condition. I made it there and fell asleep on my bed and wondered if I would feel the same way when I woke up and sure enough it was still there when I got up. So I went to a meeting to share what had happened and as I heard people sharing I got disconcerted at some of it because it certainly wasn't about the "God" that found me but others that I heard share I felt and understood their pain and there was about one person that the moment she opened up her mouth I knew she'd encountered what I had and I began to find more here and there.

I had some more experiences while I was in that state too like linear time stopping and I was slightly aware of a mist covering the Earth. But I soon found out that there was some stuff going on within the fellowship where I was going that I couldn't be a part of because I was growing, so I left. I started to get more creative with "the program" and some couldn't handle it, questioned it, because it wasn't what they were used to hearing. I could write a whole book about this so I'll conclude by saying that people and teachers like Eckhart Tolle can be the alcoholic's best friend and A.A.'s worst enemy because it can take you to a whole other place. I like the part in The Power Of Now where Eckhart writes that he rarely uses the word "God" anymore because, for me, words like "sponsor" "chips" or "Group Of Drunks" can't even begin to discribe the ineffability behind the word "God".
StarWanderer StarWanderer
56-60, M
May 13, 2012