I Feel Like I've Lost My Twin Sis

About 3 years ago my twin sister suffered depression and she was very private about it at the time, she wouldnt talk to me or my parents about it. Instead, she confided in my auntie (my mums brothers sister) about it, who happens to be a clinical psychologist. She started spending more time there, we were in sixth form at the time so she would always go there in the term breaks. She became really close to her and one day she told me that I was no longer the closest person to my her, my auntie was now the closest person to her. I was destraught because my sister had always been and still was the closest person to me.

My auntie told her about possible reasons behind her depression, they always blamed me or my parents in some way. One reason was that my sister had 'helped me' when I was younger, but I had not helped her in return. I think this is the reason my sister has basically turned her back on me and the rest of her family at home.

One time I went with my sister to my aunties, and all they did was slag off my parents! which I felt very uncomfortable about, and so I never visited again. At the time things were a bit difficult at home, just with family arguements, which is normal with teenage daughters. And as a family my parents and I had agreed to make an effort and start eating tea together like we used to, but my sister refused to. My auntie said that my sister had 'chronique fatigue' and so could not try to make an effort. I thought it was a load of rubbish! I thought, I love my parents, and as long as I love them, that's enough to make an effort.

It was really painful one day when I found out my sister had slit her wrists. I caught a glimpse of something on her wrist, and I was like 'what's that?' and she was like 'oh nothing' and I was like 'I saw something, what was it?' and she told me that her wrists turn purple when she's cold, which was crap!! in the end she was like 'i can't tell you, its a secret between me and my auntie'. Basically, she stopped telling me and my family anything and would just always tell my auntie. She would always been texting her. And, more worryingly, she began to see her as a mother figure, claiming that Mum was never really that mother figure in her life, which I found very hurtful because I love my mum so much.

Now we are both at universities, at opposite ends of the country! not intentionally! but I never see her, I probably see her about 3 times a year, for a week at Christmas and then probably 2 odd weekends. In the holidays she's always at my aunties. It's like she's besotted with her. She makes excuses about why she can't make odd weekends home but if my auntie suggests a weekend at the races or something, she jumps at the chance!

 Being twins, we used to be so close. And I think now she strives to be seen as separate and different from me. I miss her so much! I get really upset about it sometimes. I miss the fact that she isn't the closest person to me anymore. I feel like a part of her has died, and that's why it's so painful because I feel like I'm dealing with a loss. It's horrible. It's such a complex situation, it's not easy for people to understand.

I found out today how much it was overwhelming me, because this woman stopped me in town to ask me some questions and then she took me to this place to do a 'stress test' and I had to hold a metal thing in each hand which linked up to this stress meter and the first question this woman asked was 'tell me about the people in your life' and the meter went right to the top, like off the scale, cos the first thing I'd thought about was my sister, and before I knew it I was crying, I couldnt even speak! It was awful. It was so unexpected to me, I felt like it was completely out of my control. Like I try every day not to let it bother me, but inside it does, and there was so much that I'd kept concealed. I mean, I speak to my parents a lot about it but the rest of the time I just try to brush it to one side.

Oh I don't know what to do for the best. Sometimes I feel like disowning my sister cos she's caused me and my family an unbelievable amount of pain. But I know a lot of it is down to my auntie. She needs to be shot or something! She's divided our family right up. Not only do I get upset for me, but also on behalf of my parents, because they've brought her up and cared for her as a child, and this is just like a massive slap in the face.

I feel like years ago I'd never have dreamt this up in a million years.

 

 

 

nosuperwoman nosuperwoman
18-21, F
Feb 21, 2009