Im Practically In NarniaSo yeah, as the title suggests, I'm very much in the closet. I'm 20 years old, and I've just realised I'm a Lesbian.
I guess it starts in high school, I don't remember ever being attracted to boys or girls in elementary school. It was never something that interested me. Once I got to high school, it seemed to be a necessity. All my (girl) friends were always talking about guys, I always found it rather awkward. I never had any real boy "crushes" and I just convinced myself it was because I wanted more than a short term boyfriend, I wanted something that would be a relationship. I did everything I could to make it seem normal that I wasn't into guys. Eventually however, I fell to peer pressure and went out with my only guy friend at the time. It was extremely awkward, it didn't feel right, and I didn't like any signs of affection whether it was a kiss, holding hands, a hug, anything. Our friendship eventually ended, because he thought I thought there was something wrong with him. I grew up in am extremely conservative family, the idea that I could be a lesbian didn't even enter my mind till a few years later. I guess the next sign was when I started to have feelings for one of my female teachers. She is a stunning woman! A beautiful body, and such a unique personality. She was the first person that ever opened me up to the fact that someone being gay was okay and natural. Growing up in such a conservative family was difficult to accept that anyone being gay was ok, let alone that I might be! I again, tried to disguise my feelings for this teacher. I told my self it was extreme admiration, she was and still is a very positive role model in my life. I still have feelings for her, but it is nothing more than eye candy now. ;)
Moving on... My senior year of high school I switched schools where I met Anna. (Name changed) We became instant friends, and were soon near inseparable. The summer after graduation is still the best few months of my life. We did everything together the best of which were long walks, road trips/camping, and doing random immature things like going to children's parks at 1am and goofing around. We would bump into each other or accidentally touch, and that was when I realised I had more than just friendship feelings for her. I wanted to be with her, and do anything for her. I didn't say anything to her for two reasons. Firstly, I know that she had been asked out by a lesbian before and it made her uncomfortable, in fact everything about lesbians makes her uncomfortable. The second reason, was because her best guy friend had just come out of the closet to her a couple years before... and she was still having problems accepting it.
A few months later, right around university finals, we had our first fight, about a number of things. The main thing I remember was we were talking about homosexuality. Whenever being "gay" is discussed I usually try to keep outof tthe conversation. So, to be fair Anna really didn't know my opinion. Anna said hypothetically she could accept James being gay, but if I was a lesbian we would no longer be friends. (I did not come out to her, I didn't even fully realise I was gay at the time). We fought for quite a while over that, and eventually didn't talk for quite a few weeks. We eventually got talking again and we're now closer than ever. Its been slow, and I can't exactly say when I realised that I was only attracted to girls, but only inthe past ccouple of weeks have I been able to admit that I am a lesbian to myself. I don't understand why it took me so long to realise I'm a lesbian, but it was a eureka moment when I did!
I haven't told any friends or family... it all really scares me still!
Adandra 18-21 2 Responses 1 Nov 11, 2012