IdentityI am a twenty-something year old guy who is most comfortable in Timberland boots, a flannel shirt, and a trucker hat. I enjoy things like podcasts, history, dubstep music, stand up comedy, geography and travel, and a good beer... and a bad beer. I went to college and was in a fraternity graduating with a media communication degree which I may as well use as a dart board. I've dated, had one night stands, and a few steady relationships with many different kinds of girls. My parents are still together and live in a liberal town in the rocky mountains in the United States. I'm lucky to have very progressive parents who remain active through participation in competitive triathlons and stay very healthy - physically and mentally. My older sister lives in one of the coolest cities in the world in Texas and works for a rodeo, and we get along well as long as we aren't under the same roof.
I live in Australia where I drive trucks and a fork lift in a warehouse for a shipping company. I take pride in the fact that I have been to more countries than years I have been on this earth as that is the advice I've adopted from a great man I once knew. This is quite a sunny view of my life in a glimpse.
There are surely many reasons that I travel, but one is that I have a feeling that I need to keep others at arms length. While in one spot in college for so long, I became close with certain people, and those people I could tell wanted to get deeper into what made me tick. Some of these people were more or less interested than others, I would pick and choose my friends ba
I would have rules and actions running like little background programs that made up the personality that I cultivated. Things like "look at that girl when she walks by", "when this person talks to you, don't seem too excited" "even though you like this song, do not sing along". When I would enjoy someones company I would consider the appearance of that relationship, male or female. "Do normal dudes spend this much time with any girl they are not trying to sleep with?" It was a lot of time spent alone, and all of this character deconstruction turned me awkward and discouraged me from spending time with those around me. I just found myself enjoying my alone time much more and then dreading interaction more and more. I would be annoyed at the gym when someone waved to me because I would think "aww s**t, now I have to take my ipod out and go talk to this person".
I began to travel extensively, looking for what I realize now, I had no idea. Just soaking up the world, but I was definitely looking for something. It was about 3 years ago that I left home for the first time and I've not lived at the same address for longer than a 3 month period since then. I'm in Australia right now but I am just beginning to do what I've been scared to do for years. Look inside myself and begin to dissect and diagnose.
I'm sick of operating from behind a firewall, but I have a lot of undoing to do. I am looking for a companion. I want to tell someone how I feel and find others like me. I know this type of thing works in steps, but once I've started, I've found even the beginning so liberating that I can't stop. I'm the furthest thing from proud, and I know that I'm going to be harassed for saying that because everyone should be proud of who they are but I'm not. I'm downright ashamed and I wish I was like everyone else. Like I said, I have 25 years of mental reversal that lie ahead. My conflictions are personal and social, but the social aspect are more concerned with those close to me taking me as a fraud for person they think they know. I dont waste my time with religion and think it's all horse s**t anyway, so the idea of a sin is not even a concept to me.
I'm looking for someone to share stories with. If you've never been asked if you're gay in your life and not a soul knows, I want to talk to hear your story.