I Might Be The Hardest Wisher In The Whole World.

Since I was little I've done this thing where even though I know nothing will happen, I'll shut my eyes so tight it hurts and wish for something. I have no reason to. I've grown up in a healthy family who loves me dearly and I've never wanted for anything. But shut inside a masculine body that loves video games, sports, and chilling with the guys, is a person who goes to bed every night and shuts his eyes very tight and whispers, "I wish I wasn't gay" only to open them and see the same dark ceiling.

It's horrible, I know it. I went to a very liberal college in which I would have probably been very accepted, by all my friends. I'm friends with plenty of gay and lesbian people who I love very much, hell I roomed with one sophomore year. I just can't come to terms with myself that I am different. I grew up like any other boy, playing sports, "flirting" with girls, although I have never slept with one. I always got to that uncomfortable point in which I was able to make some excuse not to go any farther. But I wanted it, wished for it so badly. I wish I could impress upon you what it felt like, to see two attractive people, a girl and a guy walk down the street, hand in hand and envy them so badly, to the point in which it tore my insides apart. Why couldn't I have that. At times it would take my almost to the point of tears, at which time I would close my eyes shut and whisper, "I wish I wasn't gay."

I'm not sure when I knew for the first time, really. I got in plenty of trouble in elementary school for trying to kiss girls. I don't know what that was about, I guess I was just a little **** as a kid. And I had a couple of "girlfriends" growing up. I didn't really know then, it was just the thing to do. Boys liked girls. It wasn't until high school that I started looking at guys and kindling this feeling deep inside, a warmth. I hated it. I tried to make it stop, I wished harder than ever. I wanted to feel those feelings when I saw hot girls. And I saw plenty of hot girls. But as much as I tried I couldn't bring myself to love, to lust or to have a successful relationship. It wasn't in me, regardless of how tight I shut my eyes.

I started to make excuses. I knew I'd never tell anyone, not my family, who is loving but very religious and traditional. I wouldn't tell me friends, who I thought would probably judge at the time, it was high school after all. So, I used my religion as an excuse. "I'm saving myself for the perfect girl." I'd say. I gained a little weight. I'm not fat, but just chubby enough that I didn't have the sculpted body that other guys had, and therefore attracted less women. I'd hang out with girls who had boyfriends and my buddies would say "Go for it bro, she's into you." But she had a boyfriend, so as much as I may be "interested" she was off limits. Again, another excuse.

So here I am, 23 out of college, living with a close buddy and working in a small town and still going to bed every night and closing my eyes tightly shut and whispering "God please, just please let me open them and not be gay."
Needless to say, it hasn't worked yet. So I'm hoping to find someone to talk to, someone in which I can confide, maybe a guy in a similar situation. Don't get my wrong, I the friends I've made in college and I have now are spectacular, I love them very very much-- they are the best. But this is something I don't think I can ever bear to tell anyone, at least, in person.
Farmboy89 Farmboy89
22-25, M
15 Responses Dec 6, 2012

u r a natural story teller..
I'm closing my eyes .. tight wish for ur wish to come true..

Parts of your story sounded like something I've written or said. I've prayed to God to change me, to no avail. I came out a very short time ago but for me, in retrospect, I don't know if I wanted God to change me or if I just didn't want to deal with addressing all of this.

I still find myself looking at families and thinking, they're so lucky. I too have wished, and at times still wish, that I could just be a straight father and husband.

You're not horrible in your actions or thoughts, you're just processing all of this the best way you know how. I was in your situation a few short weeks ago if you need to talk feel free to message me. You're going to get it figured out.

If you ever need me buddy, I am here.

You're always free to message me if you want to talk about anything. It's always an interesting process, very rarely easy, but there's always people there that have your back. :)

I know this is an old post, dunno if to u are still even on EP, but I was the exact same way, and am 40 now. Wish I would have acted on my feelings earlier.....I missed out in SO MUCH! Just now learning lessons in the gay world that I should have learned in my 20's! All the great experiences that typically only young gay men get to enjoy are lost now! Oh well, I'm making my own fun now!!

I am so right there with you Marcpsp . I am 35 and still not all the way out. :-(

I grew up like that. i was more worried about what people thought of me. i never dared think about doing things for myself. at times it caused me to become suicidal. i dated girls, i faked it so much i confused admiration for affection but i wasn't really happy. One day a friend told me "if you fight yourself, you'll lose, you'll always lose that battle" at that moment it hit me, i was gay and i couldn't do anything about it. I kept quiet for years eventually my dad passed away and i felt like i could tell people, he was the reason i stayed quiet. Telling people i was gay was a big step, now i don't care what people think because i've grown to learn most people don't last long in your life anyway. people will always come and go.
i really hope that however you deal with it, you come out happier and a stronger person.

You sound EXACTLY like the male version of myself. I always tell myself how much I hate being gay every single day. It's not fair! I love my gay friends, and I always feel like a coward around them. I also get to hear what my straight friends think of gay people and I just run farther away from admitting anything to anyone. I think we could be friends very easily! I feel like we may have more in common for sure!

I always think that if I can get through this i-don't-know-who-i-freaking-am-phase, I will be a better version of myself, one way or another.

i suggest u that first u go in a sexual realation with a girl and learn how to love with a girl if u r serious with her than marry with he if u dont and not feel good with her in relation and sex than never marry with any girl u may be in a big problem once u marry than u neater leave her nor accept this very critical situation so pl thing once

every gay have same story all over world no solution

I know since I can remember I always liked guys, I also like girls.
It was hard for me growing up hiding I am interested in both sex, I am now 34 and just barely told my family and some of my relatives last year. Just keep praying, and when you are ready to tell your love ones you will maybe you will never will, dont feel pressure into telling people how you feel and think. People will love you for who you are. God bless you and take care.

You can talk to me about it

You can't wish it away there is no solution but admitting it

there was a time a while back when i made that same wish. it never worked so i gave up and accepted the fact that im gay. only regret is that i didnt do it sooner. youre gay and there is no way to change it. once you accept it, things will get easier

It's pretty gross how many errors are in this after reading through it. I clearly didn't proofread. Sorry.

It's not all that bad, and when i was in school; spelling, grammar and all that was like a reigion.