I Might Be The Hardest Wisher In The Whole World.Since I was little I've done this thing where even though I know nothing will happen, I'll shut my eyes so tight it hurts and wish for something. I have no reason to. I've grown up in a healthy family who loves me dearly and I've never wanted for anything. But shut inside a masculine body that loves video games, sports, and chilling with the guys, is a person who goes to bed every night and shuts his eyes very tight and whispers, "I wish I wasn't gay" only to open them and see the same dark ceiling.
It's horrible, I know it. I went to a very liberal college in which I would have probably been very accepted, by all my friends. I'm friends with plenty of gay and lesbian people who I love very much, hell I roomed with one sophomore year. I just can't come to terms with myself that I am different. I grew up like any other boy, playing sports, "flirting" with girls, although I have never slept with one. I always got to that uncomfortable point in which I was able to make some excuse not to go any farther. But I wanted it, wished for it so badly. I wish I could impress upon you what it felt like, to see two attractive people, a girl and a guy walk down the street, hand in hand and envy them so badly, to the point in which it tore my insides apart. Why couldn't I have that. At times it would take my almost to the point of tears, at which time I would close my eyes shut and whisper, "I wish I wasn't gay."
I'm not sure when I knew for the first time, really. I got in plenty of trouble in elementary school for trying to kiss girls. I don't know what that was about, I guess I was just a little **** as a kid. And I had a couple of "girlfriends" growing up. I didn't really know then, it was just the thing to do. Boys liked girls. It wasn't until high school that I started looking at guys and kindling this feeling deep inside, a warmth. I hated it. I tried to make it stop, I wished harder than ever. I wanted to feel those feelings when I saw hot girls. And I saw plenty of hot girls. But as much as I tried I couldn't bring myself to love, to lust or to have a successful relationship. It wasn't in me, regardless of how tight I shut my eyes.
I started to make excuses. I knew I'd never tell anyone, not my family, who is loving but very religious and traditional. I wouldn't tell me friends, who I thought would probably judge at the time, it was high school after all. So, I used my religion as an excuse. "I'm saving myself for the perfect girl." I'd say. I gained a little weight. I'm not fat, but just chubby enough that I didn't have the sculpted body that other guys had, and therefore attracted less women. I'd hang out with girls who had boyfriends and my buddies would say "Go for it bro, she's into you." But she had a boyfriend, so as much as I may be "interested" she was off limits. Again, another excuse.
So here I am, 23 out of college, living with a close buddy and working in a small town and still going to bed every night and closing my eyes tightly shut and whispering "God please, just please let me open them and not be gay."
Needless to say, it hasn't worked yet. So I'm hoping to find someone to talk to, someone in which I can confide, maybe a guy in a similar situation. Don't get my wrong, I the friends I've made in college and I have now are spectacular, I love them very very much-- they are the best. But this is something I don't think I can ever bear to tell anyone, at least, in person.