Does This Make Me A Horrible Person?I have always wanted the conforming life [i think] - marriage , beautiful girl, kids, nice house etc etc. I have a wonderful wife who I adore very much, things are good in the bedroom and we have even tried for kids. We have the nice house and have been married for 3 years. To all our friends and family all appears happy.
After a year of trying and failing to have kids I find myself wondering what if. "What if...what?". The pain of not being able to have kids has put enormous pressure on our relationship and now feel I want away from everything. This pressure has been compounded by stress at work and difficult parental relationships.
Finally feeling that the conforming life is not working out, I feel I don't have anything to work towards anymore. Another 10 years of this current lifestyle feels boring, depressing and empty. All the above has finally taken its toll on me and has presented itself as depression. I have never suffered depression before now, but I have a new found sympathy for those that have - its debilitating to say the least.
So, what if...
I love my wife, but have always fantasized about being with another guy. All my life I fantasized about other men but chased girls. I have never actually been with a guy but I get hot around the collar when guys I fancy get close to me - male changing rooms are a no go and I have to keep clear to avoid embarrassment. I rarely see another woman and think "phew" but I do with other guys.
I feel like such a horrible horrible person for even considering up and leaving and throwing away everything we have together. I doubt I would ever actually do it, at the moment I'm putting these feelings and thoughts down to not thinking clearly and the depression.
I'm 30, I can't be confused about my own sexuality at 30. Can I? Thats for teenagers. I feel so alone, because if I talk of my feelings to someone close I risk losing everything I have worked for. How can I enjoy things in the bedroom with my wife if I am really gay?
Oh dear, my head is a mess. So for now, I continue to bottle it up to avoid the hurt, pain and disappointment.
Thank you for reading this, it means a lot to me that this site has allowed me to speak my mind. I am a good person, with a good heart full of love.