Does This Make Me A Horrible Person?

I have always wanted the conforming life [i think] - marriage , beautiful girl, kids, nice house etc etc. I have a wonderful wife who I adore very much, things are good in the bedroom and we have even tried for kids. We have the nice house and have been married for 3 years. To all our friends and family all appears happy.

After a year of trying and failing to have kids I find myself wondering what if. "What if...what?". The pain of not being able to have kids has put enormous pressure on our relationship and now feel I want away from everything. This pressure has been compounded by stress at work and difficult parental relationships.

Finally feeling that the conforming life is not working out, I feel I don't have anything to work towards anymore. Another 10 years of this current lifestyle feels boring, depressing and empty. All the above has finally taken its toll on me and has presented itself as depression. I have never suffered depression before now, but I have a new found sympathy for those that have - its debilitating to say the least.

So, what if...
I love my wife, but have always fantasized about being with another guy. All my life I fantasized about other men but chased girls. I have never actually been with a guy but I get hot around the collar when guys I fancy get close to me - male changing rooms are a no go and I have to keep clear to avoid embarrassment. I rarely see another woman and think "phew" but I do with other guys.

I feel like such a horrible horrible person for even considering up and leaving and throwing away everything we have together. I doubt I would ever actually do it, at the moment I'm putting these feelings and thoughts down to not thinking clearly and the depression.

I'm 30, I can't be confused about my own sexuality at 30. Can I? Thats for teenagers. I feel so alone, because if I talk of my feelings to someone close I risk losing everything I have worked for. How can I enjoy things in the bedroom with my wife if I am really gay?

Oh dear, my head is a mess. So for now, I continue to bottle it up to avoid the hurt, pain and disappointment.

Thank you for reading this, it means a lot to me that this site has allowed me to speak my mind. I am a good person, with a good heart full of love.

will1182 will1182
26-30, M
9 Responses Dec 12, 2012

Reach and get help from people, both professionals and non-professional. I'm sure you'll see your way through.

Remember you're not alone and your situation is not entirely unique.

You may want to consider seeing a doctor that can prescribe you some medication for depression. I've been on and off medication and u can tell you that I'm think much more clearly, particularly on emotional things, when I take my meds.

I've seen many great counselors (though I recommend secular ones). It helps to talk through things and will help you see more clearly.

Hi. I don't think you're a horrible person. I have two wonderful kids and a great wife (although we don't have sex since our last child). Like you, though, I feel fulfilled with a guy.

Sexuality is fluid and although I've never been with a girl, I try to act masculine in certain social situations because I was afraid of people knowing I was gay.

You are not a horrible person, none what you have written is horrible. Sometimes we can't have everything we want out of life, but life gives us experiences to keep living.

When I was in high school and pretending to be straight, I had a few close friends I could tell about sexuality. They gave me the support I needed, as I could not tell my own parents.

You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, who you love and what you choose to do with your body. This is particularly true for a good person with a heart full of love

you're not a horrible person. you just want things the way you want them to be. but not always perfect. hope you'll stay strong & be positive to whatever decisions you would make in the future. know your goals in the long run. anyways, its not sex that matters, its pure love, unconditional love.

Dude, it's time to put the closet and the lies behind you. Step out and breathe the fresh air. You need to break up with this girl, and find yourself a man who will make you happy and fulfilled. You're not doing either yourself or her any favors by staying in a relationship that doesn't work for either of you. Let her go find a straight guy who will love her and not be all looking at other men, and you go find yourself a man. Come up with some other reason if you don't have the balls to come out to her, but do it and do it soon. Your attractive years are waning, and it won't be long before finding a boyfriend will become much, much harder.

You say ruining your life but what if your saving yourself from being unhappy? Don't take this advice because I'm only 16 and don't really know that much but I do know I would want to be happy....