I am 14 and I'm currently in the closet. I've always had a feminine behavior, and I've shared many of the same interests as girls. I didn't realize that I was truly gay until 6th grade, when I began to develop feelings for cute boys and-- well, *********** to hot guys on the Internet. I've had countless memories of feeling nervous about being gay when it all began coming to me. I told myself that I would eventually become straight by college if I had a female roommate, or that I'll start to like girls later on. These statements were said to reassure myself and prevent from truly admitting to my sexuality. At some point in 7th grade it had gotten so bad that I'd forcefully ********** to females to no avail. I really tried to be straight, or at least bi. I eventually gave up on becoming straight, and was honest with myself. I am gay, I will stay gay.

fast forward to 8th grade. I've admitted my sexuality to myself and I am comfortable in my own presence, but I still haven't come to truths with the people around me. I am in a friendship circle: a bisexual girl, a straight girl, and my closest friend, a gay boy who's admitted to being gay only to me. I always knew that he was gay, in fact, it never needed to be mentioned. I'm very close to him as a friend, but I have not come out to him. Who knows, he probably knows I'm gay and that may have been why he came out to me only. He's the only person I can TRULY relate to. Sure, I have my other best friends in the friendship circle, one being openly bisexual, but I'm not as close to them like I am to this boy. We share the same humor, play the same video games and just UNDERSTAND each other and are not judgmental. We always hang out together in school, and it's caused other people to wonder if we're gay, or even dating (we aren't). Why haven't I just told him I'm gay yet? I'm not even sure. It wouldn't change too much considering I already act 'free' around him already. However, telling him might just make me feel more alive than I already am around him. I hope to come out to him some day, just for the sake of acknowledging the truth about myself, even if it's obvious to him I'm gay.

It is the summer of 8th grade currently, and at the end of this summer, I'll be starting highschool. I'll be going to an Arts school in downtown NYC called Fiorello H. LaGuardia. Students that are talented in dance, drama, art, music and studio tech all go there. I had to audition to get into LaG., and I made it in for art. All my life I've been traveling with the same kids from one school to another in the Bronx (there is an elementary, middle and high school centered around the same neighborhood.), so going to this new big special highschool in downtown NYC makes me nervous. I'm going to have to make new friends. I won't be going to school with my best friend, and it makes me feel robbed of my inner freedom. I'm scared I'll have no one to be free around anymore. I'm scared I'm going to be the sheltered closet kid with no friends to be gay around. I hope that I can someday be comfortable enough to come out to the people around me and feel FREE. I want that special feeling of freedom that I have for my one truly close friend to project. A universal feeling of pride and acceptance. This is what I dream for....
Koreku Koreku
16-17, M
3 Responses Aug 19, 2014

it's great u got this awareness of ur sexuality. it's also great u got a friend u can relate too. so much he has chosen to tell u he's gay. i have little doubt he has figured out ur gay too. so technically u have no reason to mention it. i know u have accepted ur sexuality for urself but ur next step is to start to feel free enough about urself with others. him hearing those words coming out of ur mouth would be a great start. since he probably knows neways & no doubt he would be accepting & supportive, this a good easy way to break it to those around u. plus i'm sure him hearing u speak the words would bring u2 closer as friends. i think it would d u good for u to hear urself speak those words to another person too :) do consider it but if u feel ur not ready, wait untill ur more able. i know this whole thing is a challenge but u gotta be true to urself & not be made to feel wrong. i probably don't need to tell u this but being gay is no better or worse than ne other sexual orientation. highschool will be an interesting time. i'm sure u will have alot of happiness & sorrow those 4 years. remember ur not the only gay guy in the world, i'm sure there will be other gay guys in ur hs & if ur meant to hangout with them it will just happen. maybe meet a nice guy to date :) u might be surprised u might even meet a str8 guy or even a girl who can relate to u. remember to think things through before making ne big decisions but don't ever be afraid to be u.

Just go into high school and be yourself! That will get you friends that are actually interested in you, not some fake person you pretend to be. You will be much happier! Remember, there is a lot more to you than just being gay! You can express yourself and your freedom without wearing a big rainbow on your forehead. Have fun!

Don't worry. I am gay and the arts is a much more open and accepting community. You will have fun, just always be you and never hold yourself back! Enjoy your high school endeavours :D

Thanks! :-) I will take your advice in mind. I hope I do get to have fun in highschool.