I'm At The Mercy Of My Feelings

I called my girlfriend five weeks ago and she said she didn't love me anymore. We were together for three years, and over the course of one week she simply abandoned me. She was the obsessive type, I had talked to her on the phone almost every night since I had met her. She clung to me through her parents divorce. I was her rock, I was her protector. She meant more to me than any person ever did. We built dreams together. I was going to take her away from all the pain in her life one day. Now all of its gone.

In one fell swoop I lost my best friend, my heart was broken, and my dreams were crushed. Now I mean nothing to her. She simply doesn't care about me anymore. She doesn't call, she barely respond when I message her, she shows no emotion when I'm around her. She says I haven't done anything, and I haven't. I just don't understand. I love her more than anything, all I want is for her to be happy.

I feel so lost. My life feels so shallow and pointless right now. I wasn't living for her, she wasn't the meaning to my life, but she was a critical piece. I defined myself by who I was to her. I'm not that person anymore, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm just waiting. I'm waiting for her to come around, even though I don't think she ever will.

I've become angry at her, even though I would forgive her for all of it in an instant. I'm angry at her for giving up on us. I'm angry at her for being so selfish. I'm angry at her for lying to me and leading me on. I don't understand how she can not even care enough to talk to me anymore. I don't understand how I can still love her as much as I ever have despite how much she's hurt me. I don't understand how I can be angry at her and want nothing more than to call her just to hear her voice.

I'm disoriented and confused and afraid. Some days I feel like killing myself because life is so tedious. I feel so alone, unwanted, and unloved. I'm at the mercy of my feelings. Crying is like vomiting; I can feel the tears coming, I don't want them to, but they won't stop.

I wish I could bring myself to hate her. I don't want to love her anymore. I want to get over this and move on, but my heart wont let me.
dklarosa dklarosa
2 Responses Dec 15, 2012

I.......know. Im sorry that you went through that. I have too. I gets a bit better with time, slowly you might think less and less about her. You will forget the sound of her voice, and that will help. Each memory starts to fade and dull. You will never forget a love like that completely, but you can forget the pain and most of the heart ache by working it through on yourself. Good luck.

I've been in a relationship for about two years... He gave up on us... I can see myself in your words..