Something Revealedi am seeing a therapist to help with losing my mom. The therapist has help me really come to understand a few things about the events in my childhood.
when i was sick with pneumonia and my father didn't want me to be taken to the hospital she said it was most likely that he
1. was afraid that they would find a broken rib or bruises on my body
2. that the pneumonia was due to the fact our bed rooms were in a house that had little or no heat
3. that a social worker would come and talk to me and i would let out his secret
she explained to me that i have post-traumatic stress disorder and that is why when someone comes into a room and is suddenly loud i will jump and sometimes start to cry. I am not upset at them.. but it scares me and takes me back to that point in my life. It explains that when someone will yell at me or around me I shut down and go into defense mode -ready to run and find a safe place. She said soldiers go to war and come home, but my home was a war zone and i was there for 20+ years.
i have learned that when i write in my journal i don't need to be ashamed for my fears and my anger and my words. they are my voice and i am finding it.
I have learned that i can't save everyone.. that it was ok to have my own life and love and laugh. That my mom didn't need me to protect her all the time and that i could not have saved her from death. It was her time and she was meant to go. As much as i hate it and as much as it hurts.. it was her time.