A Lesson In Not Being So Hard On Myself

Many people are hard on themselves for various reasons.  I am incredibly hard on myself for things I've done (almost always without intent) that have upset someone, or worse, hurt someone.  The pain I have felt from those passing through my life is something that I would never want to make anyone else feel, and I would do anything to not cause pain for anyone in my life.

I admit that I am human.  I make mistakes.  I say things that I don't mean, or don't adequately say what I had intended and have upset and hurt people in the process.  This is a common human experience.  When I learn of my mistake, my error, or the pain that I have caused, I apologize instantly for what I have done.  My act of repentance, to ask for forgiveness and to show how sorry I am is to turn the pain on myself, and torture myself for hurting another, to apologize over and over for what I have done.  I am in turn, hurting myself for the pain that I have caused.

Yesterday I hurt someone whom I love dearly.  I begged for forgiveness, and began to show him how sorry I was by torturing myself for the pain that I had caused.  I had told him that I couldn't forgive myself for what I had done.

But he stopped me.  His compassionate heart was so very kind to me.  He forgave me for my mistake, and showed kindness to me by sharing a story with me.  He told me that God forgives us, and does not keep track of our mistakes.  He said to me "who are you to think you cannot forgive yourself?  God forgave you, are you better than God?"   I stopped, and realized that I did not have to torture myself for what I had done. 

It takes only one person in your life to change something, to impact you, to make you a better person.  I am blessed beyond measure for having him in my life, for he has taught me so much about love, compassion and kindness.  Yesterday he taught me about forgiveness, not just his forgiveness towards me, but how to forgive myself. 

I know that I am hard on myself, incredibly hard.  I would never want to hurt anyone the way that I have been hurt.  And I hold myself to a very high standard in the way that I treat people in my life, and I make myself pay when I make a mistake.  But one life experience, one blessed soul with a kind heart, has begun to change that a bit for me.  I have never cut myself some slack...but he is teaching me how...

Lucidblue Lucidblue
36-40, F
1 Response Mar 4, 2010

I am to some degree, but when I talk the truth about how much negative stuff is on my life and how much disabilities I have, I don't believe that is too hard on yourself. People have a right to open up, and discuss things that are wrong in their life, even if they behave an extreme amount. Some people get nothing but bad luck. I don't know if I explained the difference or not.

When I talk about my problems, people think I'm making up it up, because they don't believe that one person can have it so bad.

I have no one to talk to. I can't even talk to my own parents, or Sister. My communication skills aren't very good they all the time, misinterpret what I'm saying. They think I mean something else. I keep having to explain what I really mean, and when I start getting it correctly, they get tired of me trying to explain and them not getting it.

Having bad communication skills is worst than not being able to communicate at all. It really wears me down, that I can't get help, or find someone who understands. I've seen plenty of people who claim that they aren't lucky, but in fact, I envy them. You only do that, when you are pretty far down the hole.

I've met people who are worse off in some aspects, but better an other aspects. I have never met someone who is as unlucky as I in all aspects, had as many disabilities as I do.
Even with all the problems I tell people, don't want a lot, I don't care about being rich, or [popular, just to find my soul-mate. Someone who accepts me for me, and they think I'm kidding. They like "yeah right, someone as bad as you, probably want everything" or something like that. I don't care about big houses or fancy cars. I care about love. I'm not sure about the message I am sending, how its going across. I feel like it lost the same point as what it was before, because I've added other stuff.

My brain always feels mushy when I communicate, and it feels like someone has taken over and writing stuff, and usually when I go back to it, and read it, it doesn't make much sense, but when I go to correct it, I forget what I'm doing, for lack of better words.

Problems can turn people around, it can turn people greedy, or make them snap. I haven't yet. I have become very frustrated with things, and not being able to do things like everyone else, or be accepted as well, but I'm trying.

I'm going to see a physic on Wednesday, it's a start. She has really good reviews, heard nothing bad.
I need to change the way I think and do things. I may not be able to be the guy who likes to drink bear, likes fast cars and gets with girls, like many, but I may be able to change something for the better. I'm sorry if I said anything offensive, I'm not sure what I write how it comes across. You see, I often say things that either doesn't make sense or gets misinterpreted. I can't see for a normal person's perspective and that's one of my main problems in communication.

I don't want girls, just one, my soul-mate, just to be clear.
I'm kinda glad I don't drink. Being different is good, also it's hard because even not drinking, alone, it makes it hard to meet people and make friends.