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Empty

This is my first story I discovered this site because I suffer from insomnia and I can only sleep with music but lately it hasn't helped. I'm 16 I go to school, talk to friends and do normal stuff like a average teen ......but yet I still feel this emptiness a hole in my heart that I cannot fill no matter what I tried I cover it up with drugs alcohol and rebellious behavior people say I'm a good person how nice I am. But I'm reality I am not i hate everyone I smile on the outside but on the inside I wouldn't hesitate to stab them in the heart or slit their throat . The thought of that makes me happy i feel like people who don't feel like me should feel pain and death I am jealous I want to see there blood spill on the ground because blood ....it gives me a euphoria once I see it I want to see more like a drug addict with a unending desire to get high I tried to go to counseling to see if I can help myself but in the end they say I'm just a rebellious teen but I know the truth. The truth I won't hide
I AM INSANE I LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT I ENJOY THE ADREANALINE IT FILLS THE VOID AND I AM ADDICT WHO CAN'T GET ENOUGH I ENJOY SEEING PEOPLE SUFFER AND IN PAIN IT MAKES ME SMILE
So that's my story I don't know what to do now.
Raiden636 Raiden636 16-17, M 8 Responses Feb 7, 2013

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I understand that feeling, on the outside your normal. Yet on the inside you are something more waiting to be let loose.

One thing....you're brave and to the point :-)..but you've got ALOT of pent up frustration and anger towards others. Which if you're not careful, can actually harm others.pls be careful<br />
Try excersising. It can release endorphines that act as stress relievers.<br />
Empty out those thoughts like water draining out of a hose....get rid of them. They're no good to you. Replace them with peaceful things, kind things, things that are loving.....things you would want done to you.There are people at this site who can help out....friends who care and can be here for you.

ask the question. Why do you love seeing people in pain?

Be brave and honest, this will solve your problem

It's ok to have some random negative thoughts. You are at an age where lots of changes are going on. Those thoughts give you a sense of power and control during a time of chaos. Just don't do something that can't be undone.
Some people turn to God for comfort and find a purpose in helping others. My faith is often weak and fleeting, but somehow is just enough to keep the dark thoughts at bay.
If these thoughts become more than you can control, then find someone to help you. Perhaps a teacher or counselor, anyone that can stop you from doing something you know is wrong. You owe it to yourself to not become just another sad story on the news.

Yes I know but I have burden with these thought since the age of 10 and counseling labeled it as rebellious behavior but. I will have to increase my mental control of these thoughts I don't really have someone I can open this up too so I just keep them in control Instead but thank you for the advice.

My fiance feels the EXACT same way. I want to know why, and what to do about it. It worries me. =(

I would enjoy helping but what I have come to realize is That if he feels similar to me then he should control these sinister impulses its a curse that I had lived with it since I was a kid it has been hard and I found myself losing control more than once but if you really love him and if he loves you help him control it it might get hard sometimes but don't give up its possible to control it

Love is to give something without any expectation. Ice can be melt with efforts and love.

Be careful with your imagination and real life.

Your mind is similar to the children who turned out to be school shooters. Read the book why kilds kill inside the minds of school shooters by peter langman. It's incredibly interested and you might find some of those children having similar views as yours, through the authors explanation.

Also your more than empty. It is filled with hatred, rage and anger for everyone and as you stated and you love every minute of it. To me in a way it seems as if you are unhappy with people and or someone, feeling as though you have to get back at them for what they or that individual did to you or did not do enough for you.

Thank you ill be sure to but even though I enjoy when I snap back to reality I find myself horrified at my thoughts I have to look in a mirror just to make sure it's me I may enjoy it but a big part of me hates it

The type of feeling you are getting at can also be a part of you that is uncontrollable and you might have to manage it for the rest of your life and work at it to not take a hold of you. Perhaps if you feel that there ever comes a time where you might explode from such thoughts do not be shy or afraid to seek help from a reliable individual. It could really be a life saver.

I wish you the best, I am pretty insane myself but I can tame my negative thoughts or ignore them completely majority of the time.

Thanks it's sound more like a curse now that I got to live with thank you but the reason why I joined this site was to seek help sometimes I feel like letting go and letting it take over but I know what will happen if I do but for the sake of myself I will stay in control

It is also good to develop positive thoughts and behavior. Work to tame your thoughts, and build positive ideas, inspirations, and so on .Be true to yourself and don't ever give up on yourself. One thing that I do is turn every negative scenario into a positive outcome. Although it is not a reality at times...it keeps me sane, happy and or content with life.

Thanks ill take the strategies into very great consideration as long as I stay positive and maintain control i will be okay now thank you for supporting

Anytime! =D

Have you looked into multiple personality disorder?

Sounds like a good disorder to look into. Could explain why you act and or think the way you do

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