Broken Perception

Logically speaking, I know that I am not "bad-looking" or unattractive. Moreover, I usually receive positive vocal recognition of my physical appearance... but that doesn't stop the thoughts. The critical comments from self. The small frown when looking into that mirror. And it certainly does not stop me from imagining myself as very much amended. And deep down, I feel that if I only looked more refined and pleasant, perhaps people wouldn't notice what a chaotic mess I am. Or feel that I am.
Words just don't do it for me. I feel inadequate in almost all senses. If I can't even accept myself physically, how could I accept myself inwardly? The latter is much more complex than simple flesh.
DustToAshes DustToAshes
26-30, F
2 Responses Oct 6, 2011

It makes sense to me. It's a twisted reflection that does not denote the ultimate truth of the inward, nor the outward.<br />
<br />
Obtaining the truth does start within -- that I do agree with. When I wrote, "If I can't even accept myself physically, how could I accept myself inwardly? The latter is much more complex than simple flesh," I was cryptically relating it to how if one were to judge another by their surface appearance, then they would hold an ignorantly biased perspective and not get to honestly perceive the other individual. Thus, if I were to look at myself through a stranger's eyes and be intolerant of the directly physical, I would be unable to accept what is inside. I would never receive the chance to delve deeper, for I would be stuck on the superficial. Connecting it back to your response: if the intolerance were to be enlightened, amending the distorted lenses, from within, then there would be openness to truth; it would be clearly seen that not only is there loveliness on the surface, but an even more profound beauty lies in the heart.<br />
<br />
...I do not feel as though *I* am being very clear. It's another one of those ideas that I understand but over-complicate in words, heh. I hope you get the gist of what I am attempting to communicate.

The big truth is my dear, we are all a chaotic mess. U are ok just as u are. i have struggled with much of what u talk about, and still do with some to some extent. do things to boost your self esteem..and at the same time try to address shame issues in your life.. shame is the feeling and belief we 'are something wrong'..not like guilt, which is 'did something wrong'. shame can come from our own actions or be imposed on us by abusers. there are good books on shame recovery out there..i am far from healed..but so much better than years there is hope.