Secure About Being Horrible.

When I was in primary, and we had to write how we would be in five or ten years time, and I wrote I would be ugly and alone, and a person nobody likes. Well, now I've grown up to be a teen-ager, and I'm ugly, fat, shy, stupid, annoying and insecure. I do have friends (why?) and so, but of course no boy likes me and I'll never have a boyfriend. I know people say that at this age there are loads who have never dated (in my class there are a few girls that do, but no boys at all...), but still, I feel nobody can be interested in me.
One thing that makes me hugely insecure is my appareance, because I am quite robust, especially my legs. I used to be the weight that is said to be 'normal' for my age and my height, but still I felt fat. And then, because I felt that way, I tried to do something about it and started to think about eating all the time, and I've gained weight, even more... I feel so fat, and because of that also ugly, but I try to go on diet but I just never succeed! And I hate myself for that.
With new people, I am quite shy, and I feel like they don't like me because I am ugly and annoying. Sometimes it feels like people on the street see me and think "Eww" straight away. And it feels horrible.
I don't really know, but I think I have a wrong view about myself, because it is such negative. But in the end I don't know, so I feel very lost. And if I speak with other people about my problem, they say to me I am "just fine", but of course I think they are lying! They wouldn't say to me "Yeah, you're so fat and disgusting!!". So I can never trust people when they try to make me feel better.
Sometimes, I've got compliments from people I don't know. Two women have said to me I'm pretty, and one young man also (but that was in Turkey; and I'm blond...), but I always feel they say it because they pity me "I'm sure nobody ever says to that girl she is pretty, because poor her, she isn't... I'll try and make her happy, she won't know I'm lying!", or then that it is sarcasm. So compliments only make me feel bad. :(
Toobi Toobi
18-21, F
May 17, 2012