Can You Be An Extrovert And Completely Insecure?

Have you ever tried to explain a problem that you know you are struggling with but just can't put into words? That's what the last two or three months have been. I have a history of failed relationships, which have created an insane amount of insecurities. However lately I've noticed an other disturbing insecurity trend that seems to be affecting my current relationship and literally causing me to feel like a schmuck and/or an ******* quite commonly and I'm afraid is ultimately going to make me lose, possibly the very best girl I've ever found.

I don't know how or when exactly I became SO insecure. I'm actually a very outgoing person. I enjoy people, acting, public speaking, story telling... Yet in my relationships I walk on eggshells like the second shoe is always about to drop. My girlfriend is the closest thing to perfect I have ever found, her biggest character flaw (a term I'm using VERY loosely) is that she clams up really bad about things. In mid conversation she will say something and all of a sudden abruptly clam up and basically refuse to continue talking, especially about what ever it is she clammed up about, to me. As a thinking, feeling and empathetic human being I understand her fears and this problem and that the best approach is most likely to give her time to deal with whatever it is herself and thus creating an atmosphere that most likely she will be comfortable about opening up and discussing said problem with me, however as soon as this clamming up happens I immediately go into panic mode.

I don't mean panic mode lightly, I mean I literally shake, lose my appetite, can't sleep, can't breathe - I basically have an anxiety attack on the spot which I can't control. I can see myself from a distance berating her with questions and trying (I sincerely believe) to help her get it out, no matter how trivial. However afterwards I know that I literally NEED the relief of knowing and thus either dealing with or receiving the remedy for my own benefit. It has come to the point where she thinks I'm trying to control her (I think that's her view) by always NEEDING to know what she's thinking, which isn't my intent. I care about her, I care about us... and I think emotionally I may be a mess of insecurities that I don't know what to do with.
Mysticbliss11 Mysticbliss11
26-30, M
Sep 22, 2012