My First Story, I Need To Gain Some Self Confidence

I've never written on here before and I'm not sure how exactly this is going to go, but if there are people that are willing to read on and try and help then I'll give it a shot. My story, I'm sure, is similar to everyone else's. I started to notice I had an issue when I was in the 8th grade, way back when in middle school. I lost a lot of respect for myself that year and found myself in situations that I didn't want to be in. I had my first "boyfriend" at the end of 8th grade, we ended up staying together all the way up until sophomore year. During this time, I had zero self respect or confidence. I allowed myself to be treated very badly and have others treat me just as badly. I began hating myself more and more every day, eventually this started to interfere with my "relationship". I couldn't go out to the mall or movie theater without hating myself so much that I took it out on everyone. I can't even explain what the feeling is, jealousy mostly I'd think. But it was becoming more of an obsession. I constantly judge and pick at myself. No matter WHO it was, from girls my age to women twice my age, I would just sit and sulk and I would compulsively think about how much better they were altogether, when I didn't even know them!! I began to get crazy girlfriend syndrome and my own insecurities were interfering with my boyfriends life, because I didn't want him to do anything with his band or friends. I knew I was wrong and being crazy, but I can honestly say that I had no control over my thoughts, and I just couldn't stop thinking like this. Now, about 3 years later, its back. I'm in college now and I'm engaged to the man I had a secret crush on all throughout high school. Turns out the feelings were mutual the whole time! He is the best guy any woman could ask for, hes very sweet and caring and very tolerant with me because he can understand my "bad days". But, I don't want to have any "bad days" anymore. Its gotten much worse than it was in high school. It has gotten to the point where I'm scrolling through Facebook for example, and, I see a picture of someone (no matter WHO it is, I come to the conclusion I'm the ugliest, fattest piece of crap on the planet) and I want to scratch my eyes out. If I'm out in public with him, we went to a hockey game the other night and I ruined it because there were cheerleaders everywhere and I felt like complete garbage. Not because I felt threatened in any way, I love him and I know he would never, I just was so mad that I didn't look like them or have nice legs or whatever that I wanted to walk out and the whole night I made him miserable because I hate myself so much. I can't control it either, I literally can not. I've tried because I don't want to be like this anymore, but I just cant. I'm scared its going to ruin my relationship with the man of my dreams. I know if I work out and eat right maybe I could look like someone that I would find beautiful, but I cant even find the motivation to do that. I just want to be happy and healthy. I've pushed everyone away. I used to be the girl with a good group of friends. Now, I only have my boyfriend and family because I'm so anti social. I know he can't take much more of this and my family just tells me I'm pretty and to get over it (like that helps). I have no one else to talk to and I need to get over this fast. Every day of my life is a struggle and I feel like I have a disease.
catkonosky catkonosky
18-21, F
3 Responses Jan 14, 2013

A troubling story; I'm sorry you are going through this. I definitely recommend counseling. It may seem scary, but it can really help you out. No one expects you to be able to fight something like this off on your own. People need to help each other, and there are people who understand and will help you. It's better to take action now than to continue living with your struggle. Also, if it helps at all, I find you very pretty! ^___^ I wish you the best! You can message me any time if you need to talk to someone.

Wow. Your words were coming right as me as if I could hear your voice. I can't say I know how you feel because actually I've always felt the quite opposite. But for whatever reason I felt compelled to make you my first ever correspondence on this site. however, please know that they're all familiar feelings. I also know that there are so many wonderful qualities I posses and and things that remind me everyday of how unique and amazing I really am. Figuratively and non-disputed, there is no one other than me and for everything I have I must deserve. We try and control everything on the outside, how we look, the things we do, what we have, etc. YET-there isn't a way we can't just change our very own and local way of thinking?? We both know that WE (OURSELVES) is the only thing that is creating these thoughts and we're forcing ourselves to not only live through the feeling but beat up yourself for not "knowing the answer". It's simple but very complicated. Don't think too much. Enjoy the feeling, sounds like you're getting another chance at something wonderful. Make it that way!!

Don’t they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Understand, there is no need to look like someone else, there is no single visual appearance that everyone will prefer over all the others. If you succeed in copying looks of another person, who’s to say that you won’t lose that one part of your appearance that draws your guy to you?

If he’s there, with you, then it’s already okay, he likes you for what you are. Or would you rather prefer to insult him by claiming that his taste in woman is bad, and he should definitely change the way he perceives females?