About My Body

i don't even like to talk about it ... i feel so much shame when i think about it.

i used to be thin and perfectly proportioned. whistled-at-on-the-street proportioned.

now. not. so. much.

i gained a lot of weight two years ago when i quit smoking cigarettes. no excuse, just what happened. in that year i also: changed my religion, quit using drugs and alcohol, quit my job, moved, got married, and started working three other jobs. actually, these changes all happened in eight months.

i definitely ate to compensate for the drugs and to deal with stress. i gained weight, which i hear is common. i haven't gained a pound since then - unfortunately, i haven't lost a pound since then either.

i am an active person - i just eat bad food sometimes.

my husband has said many times in the year since i gained weight - "if you would only lose weight, you'd be so hot."

you know, because i'm not now.

i know that i'm still beautiful. i know that i have incredible value as a human being.

but, the idea of someone seeing me naked makes me so insecure, i could throw up. i wish to God that my body was perfect. or at least not so imperfect.

this insecurity lives within me, coiled and ready to strike at all hours of the day. i'm never comfortable with myself. ever. i don't buy new clothes, because i hate seeing that size. i don't feel like i deserve to look nice, because i'm ... well. not good enough, i suppose.

part of me wants to feel comfortable, just how i am. but, most of me just wants to starve myself until i'm beautiful again.

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5 Responses Mar 2, 2009

well how heavy are you?...most times especially with women they tend to judge themselves so harshly...<br />
having a few extra pounds aint so bad..in fact i'm the kinda guy that doesn't really care about that..it's easier to find a person with outer beauty than a person with inner beauty..that's real..but i think in your case love...you need your husband to say you are hott and make you feel as such...you cant begin to lose weight without a self esteem boost to help give you a lil nudge..<br />
and that's what husbands and boyfriends are for...please do yourself a favor and start a mantra..<br />
3 times a day go to the mirror and repeat 5 times I am beautiful. I am a wonderful person..and I deserve to feel that way...if you actually do it this should give you the esteem boost you need..if your hubby isn't helping enough...take care ..

I've gained 40 pounds in the last six years- ever since I moved to the US. I have lost weight in between but then gained it back. Although I've always had a personaliy that most guys found incredibly charming, ten pounds earlier I figured that the guys who would otherwise go out with me are not going out with me because of my weight. It sucks, but it is what is it. I used to think that inner beauty was all that mattered, but it was at a time when I took my outer beauty for granted. But now I know better. Anyways, I want to lose weight, not only because it will make me beautiful once again, but because it is quickly becoming a health issue. I guess I also have to figure out how to deal with stress without reaching for the comforting chocolate, or cookies...but to be fair, most of my peers have not been through the kind of stress and life changes that I'm going through, and a few that have been through that also got fat. So I don't blame myself for getting fat, although i recognise that is has become a problem. I don't want to go on a crazy diet anymore...I'm trying to make small life style adjustments so that I can keep the weight off in the long term, and I know that I'll probably relapse more than a few times, but eventually I'll succeed

every experience I've had with you has had some form of beauty - even the sad ones

dido was considered to be the most beautiful woman to have ever lived, and look how she was drawn<br />
<br />
http://www.amrep.org/articles/3_2b/passion.html<br />
<br />
our common modern idea of beauty is mostly shaped by marketing

You should never be insecure with yourself, be happy with your self for who you are now and not what you use to look like. There is nothing wrong with being a little heavy. I'll let you in on a secret. Most guys will not even notice a little weight gain here and there. Its all about how you carry your self... be confident!!!! If you are insecure with your self in anyway it draws attention... If you tell yourself you are sexy and act the part you will have men drooling all over you... Dont let peoples comments on your weight get you down you are only as beautiful on the outside as you feel on the inside.