Most Of The Time

I'm getting sick of it, to be honest.

I have people who love me, I am well liked at work by staff and students, I'm intelligent, erudite (most of the time, lol), witty (some of the time, lol), I believe I have the right principles, a kind, all embracing heart and mind, reasonably good looking (eye of the beholder and all that) , but I still feel insecure, I still lack self-confidence.

Why, then, do I always feel that people are judging me, that they will go off me, that I will ultimately end up alone? I think that if someone doesn't reply to a message (phone, email, EP, whatever), that they have found someone more interesting to converse with, or that I have inadvertantly said or done something that has put them off me? I feel on an emotional rollercoaster, on the edge of a precipice, not all the time, but far too much, and it depresses me sometimes that it holds me back, when I do not have the time to wait, if I still want to realise ambitions.

Sorry, just had to get that out.



mizzen123 mizzen123
46-50, M
7 Responses Mar 20, 2010

totally understand every single word you say. I feel the exact same way - always thinking i'm inadequate and at times (when it's really bad) thinking that i don't deserve to be alive amongst all of these people who somehow are more entitled to life than i am. it doesnt make any sense - i know. Completely illogical. The funny thing is, we have all of these feelings and we are rational people who can sit down and plainly say that there is no merit to how we feel. But when has that ever stopped us from feeling a certain way? <br />
I don't want to preach or to seem like i have the answers but I'm a psych major (ha!) and what's generally recommended is for you to try and inspire EXACTLY those emotions/feelings/feedbacks that you dread the most. It's like opening the closet door to let the monster out. the point being that hopefully you will realize that it's never as bad as you think. If you're worried about people not liking you, DON'T continue trying to please everyone. Turn around and try and get people to be critical of you. Try to get some people to make some snide remarks. And when you walk around with the feeling that it's you against the world, instead of listing all the reasons in your head why YOU are smart, beautiful, interesting, charming, etc etc....tell yourself that you are a complete failure and that everyone's guaranteed to hate you. it's counterintuitive, i know. But trust me, the point is to expose yourself to the thoughts and feelings that you've been hiding from.<br />
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have NOT mastered this myself, but I'm trying =] hope this helped!

Thanks and love to you all:)<br />
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TRW, you know I haven't seen it yet, I know it's an abberation on my part, and I will deal with it! xx<br />
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Itsme, thank you for your friendship, too:) It is a part of being human, it's just that these feelings have got the better of me too much in my life and I want to do something about it:)<br />
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Tuva, yes, that nagging insecurity, it's always there, and it is stifling:( I want it to stifle me no longer!

Great story. Everything you said sums up pretty much everything that I feel about myself as well. No matter what I might have going on that's positive in my life, there is always that nagging insecurity that it's not good enough. It can be very stifling.

I think even the most seemingly secure person you would ever meet gets these feelings. I think it's part of being human. Thanks for your friendship.

How could I ever forget you, my love? I'd have to be the victim of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" type therapy (if you haven't seen that film, please do)! I love you, my closest ally! xx

Thank you both:)<br />
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soursweet, you make a good point about others. Most people, outside of your family and circle of friends, are not especially bothered about what you do, being wrapped up in their own lives (I have to say that there are a few in my wider family that are not really bothered either, and weren't there when I needed them when my late mother was in the grip of alcoholism). I shouldn't care what they think, but I care what everybody thinks, even though I try to plough my own furrow. I particularly care about what people who have shown me warmth and love. I think too much that this will ultimately prove to be ephemeral. It's not a reflection on them AT ALL, it's my own insecurities.<br />
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polly, thank you for your kind words:) I know underneath it is the case that my true friends will not judge and indeed see much that is positive in me. My insecurities, however, are hard to shake off. Believe me, I work on it all the time.<br />
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Oh, that makes you very endearing, I'm personally sick of foolishly arrogant people. Maybe you could reach a compromise between overindulgence and anxiety.<br />
I used to be like you, actually I suppose I may still be a bit susceptible to other people's judgements, but the roller coaster impression has decreased.<br />
Ironically I think I got there realizing a lot of people just didn't care, I was anxious about their feelings when their feelings were quite shallow anyway.. I'm almost resigned about romance, yet I feel stronger about my convictions that I shouldn't try to change my sensitive sentimental self.