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To Be A Good Dom And For Your Sub.

Tips for becoming a good Dom
I was recently asked to give someone tips on how to become a good Dom. I figured a note was in order. Let me preface it by saying that I'm not claiming I'm the best Dom in the world, but I've learned a lot since I started this journey and don't mind sharing my thoughts on this topic. For the purpose of the writing please read "Dom" as "dominant" not as an indicator of gender of the dominant.


Doms are not always right

Pretending you are even when you aren't just makes you look like an idiot. Doing this publicly also makes your sub look like an idiot by association if she agrees.
You can always learn

You don't know everything. Don't be afraid to learn from other Doms/Dommes and even submissives. Yes, you can learn from the opposite sex, and from people who fill other roles. Take in as much information as you can. Learn from people in your local community, people here on FetLife, and from other resources (there's some great books about kink out there!). The moment you believe you know it all is the moment you start to spew **** from your mouth.
Practice responsibility

Show that you're responsible in your own life, before trying to be responsible for another's.
Keep an open mind

Listen to your sub's opinion. Hear what your sub has to say, and allow it to sway your opinions on things. I expect my sub to bring information to my attention, even if it contradicts my opinion. That allows me to not make a complete *** of myself, and allows me to make sure her opinions are heard. My decision doesn't always change based on my sub's opinion, but it does allow me to make fully informed decisions.
Communicate non-stop

Check in with your sub regularly if you want to have a healthy relationship. Have open discussions where they can speak their mind. Doing so allows you to release any resentment that might be building and discover new needs and desires. Communication is a two-way street, so be prepared to share some deep dark thoughts if you want to hear some from your sub.
Your sub is valuable

You're better off building your sub up, than tearing them down. I don't believe that you need to "break" a sub in order to shape them into what you want. It's a lot less work to shape a block of stone that already looks vaguely like the Statue of David than to start carving it out of a mountain. Remind your sub that they are important to you daily, especially after you treat them brutally and call them horrible names.
Always strive for improvement

My personal quest is to always strive to improve my sub's life as well as my own. We should both become better and stronger people as our relationship grows and as time passes. If we aren't learning daily, we're doing it wrong.
Never act out of anger

Anger is a natural response at times, however, you should not lash out at your sub while angry. Take time to step back, think clearly, and cool down. You don't always need to have a quick response. Usually you'll be respected more by your sub if you take the time to process things and respond calmly. When it comes to punishing/correcting a sub, you're far better off taking time for you both to reflect on things than to rush into punishment. Rushing usually means you're looking for revenge, rather than hoping to correct bad behaviour. I'd rather have a sub that submits to be because she respects my thought process than because she is afraid of my anger.
The best way to correct is to force introspection

When your sub disappoints you, make sure they spend time trying to understand their actions and why their actions disappointed you. The sub that craves your happiness will think about what happened until they understand what they did wrong, and resolve to keep from disappointing you in the same way again.
Punishment should fit the crime

If your sub needs to be punished, ensure that the punishment is combined with introspection. Also, make sure that it is not an enjoyable punishment. For instance, if your sub enjoys a good spanking...then maybe spanking isn't a good way to punish them.
Reward good behaviour

You're far better off rewarding good behaviour than only punishing bad behaviour. Punishing usually results in a depressed sub, while rewarding makes them happy. You want a happy me on that.
Listen to your sub's needs

Their needs are more important than your wants. Ask them about their needs and wants regularly.
Remember that trust must be built

Trust is required on both sides of a D/s relationship, and takes time and effort to build. You can build more trust with effort than with mere passage of time, however. D/s relationships are progressive. You start out with a level of trust, and your actions will cause that trust to go either up or down. The more trust you have, the more extreme your play can be...the more you can explore and know that you'll still have a good foundation of trust to rely on.
Make your dynamic your own

This is not Gor nor 50 Shades of Grey. Construct a framework for your dynamic that works for you and your partner. Don't try to copy fiction, or other people's relationships. As humans we are all slightly different, and need to keep that in mind when we lay down the groundwork for our relationships. Feel free to learn from others, but do not allow anyone to tell you exactly how you should live your D/s life.
Change together

If you are training your sub, you must also work on bettering yourself. You're in this journey together, and at some point your sub will probably utter the words "Why am I the only one who has to change?" unless you're both trying to become better partners. Explore new things together whenever possible.
Don't go to bed angry

No matter what is going on in your life, talk through things. The moment you allow your anger to separate yourself and your partner is the moment your relationship begins to die. If you're angry, take a quick drive or jog around the block to think clearly and identify why you are angry. Tell your partner how long you will be gone, and make sure you don't keep them waiting. Return to your partner, tell them that you care about them (utter the L word if you do), and tell them that you want to resolve the issue. Talk, think, and talk more until you do, or until you realize that small disagreements don't matter as long as you can still love the person and know they still love you. When I've done this, I've always found that my relationship is stronger coming out of a fight than when we went into it. It's kind of cool seeing that happen.
Push yourself to forgive

No one is without fault. Forgiveness is a great thing, as long as you really mean it. Don't hold your capacity to forgive over your partners head in the future...that's not forgiveness...that's extortion. Both parties should take the opportunity to learn from mistakes. If you do that, you can become much stronger as a couple despite whatever the incident was.
Keep things fun

Make life an adventure. Find ways to surprise and delight your partner whenever you can.
Enjoy every moment

The good. The Bad. Enjoy it all. Tough times happen in life, and help us appreciate those good moments even more.
blue62dragon blue62dragon 51-55, F 8 Responses May 27, 2013

Your Response


Wow....that was well thought out and written, thank you for sharing!!!


Good post.

Worth the +10 rate up.

Thank you, I enjoyed posting it as well.

I can think of A LOT of people in vanilla as well as bdsm relationships that need, yes **NEED** to read this.

So, print it out and send it to the ones you think that need it...giggles.

Na, I'll just send them a link to here :)

Very well written. To many **** videos portray the dom as a BDSM character, who lives in a dungeon, especially the German ones. In reality as you indicated in your factual story it is more about teasing, humilation, loss of control and the subs mental and emotonal fantasies. I personally enjoy both roles. As a sub I enjoy losing the pressure of having to be in charge. I like being restrained spread eagled to a bed, to a table,to my tasteful hidden in my living room in plain sight St. Andrews Cross I enjoy being suspended and accessible I don't mind spectators. Different locals add another thrill. I have been as a Dom tied and as a sub have been tied Dom spreadeagled on the tarp of a catermaran with other boats in the area. I've tied and been tied to a beach chair on a moonless night when the beach walkers can only be seen as moving shadows. When I am a Dom, after the safe word is established, I ask the definite dos and don'ts. I discuss fantasies, favorite movie sex scenes and ask if their sub taste are similar to mine. I ask them about toys, floggers, paddles etc then weave a session around what I have just learned. I prefer a women to start out fiesty. I like ball gags as Dom and as sub. Finally, I ask them about post ****** teasing. I personaly love it but some don't. Bottom line is my new fantasy is that someday our paths might cross.

I want to be a Dom (Mistress) but I feel I need to be a good sub, so I can learn how to be a great Dom (Mistress). My boyfriend is willing to let me do what ever I want to do. It would be great to find a couple that is willing to teach us more different things...that is more on the pleasing and teasing WE are both not in to pain. However he does enjoy being spanked hard...not I. I do Love to have my ***** spanked by him.

Here is something you can try. We both had fun. It requires an open mind though.
Hide and Seek Chasity Game

For years my mate and I have kept the spice in our sex life by alternating between us various erotic adventures. The one in charge gets to choose to be dominate or submissive. Almost always the winner chooses to be dominating. My mate was searching the web for an adult toy when she saw an article about a rapidly growing use of a male chastity device. Equal numbers in the tens of thousands of the male chastity device were being purchased by straight men and women online. She showed me the article and pictures of the best of hundreds of different models and an idea for a game sprouted. Here is what she came up with:

I left her alone in the house for an hour so she could hide the key. We have used this format before. While I was gone she hid the key. We take the hiding places seriously. No easy places. Some past hiding places for example were inside a sealed frozen food box. Under the toilet cleaner block in the toilet tank, buried in a potted plant, inside a CD case, taped under the computer keyboard, under the leg of the couch and inside her feminine pads. So don’t make it easy.

When I came back she locked me up. She agreed that she would text me a clue once a day as to where the key was. She loved to text me the clue at work or when I was out with the guys. Just one clue a day (no fake clues by the way). I was locked in the chastity cage until I found the key no matter how long it took.

She told me that if I didn’t find it by the weekend she had a surprise for me. I began searching harder

Here was the first set of clues:

Monday: I can’t believe you walk past it numerous times today and didn’t even look for it. Did you remember to put on the new briefs I bought you to help conceal your new manhood bulge?

Tuesday: The key is usually in the dark but it is visible in the light several times a week. Just in case you’re wondering…. no on second thought I don’t want to spoil it.

That night when I got home she called and said diner is ready. I walked into the dining room and she was naked on the table and turned on her trusty rabbit. She had an intense squirting ******. She looked at me and said, “now you get to start with dessert so get busy.”

Wednesday: The key is hidden under some of that clear packing tape you keep in your office so that you can still see the key.

Thursday: There is more than one lock that you are looking for.

Friday: There is something remotely related to the hiding place that could be connected to bondage
Saturday: ‘Tonight is the night of your first consequence so you are going to sit naked locked up in front of the computer while I select different **** sites that I pulled p from your browsing history. My you are quite a busy “closet jack off boy” aren’t you? Since you just spent the week working I’ll cue up some of those horny secretary videos you seem to like. You can ******** to your heart’s content. I won’t watch… I doubt you will be making a mess anyway.’

That Saturday night she had me dress in light silky black slacks, a white dress shirt, black socks and shoes, no underwear and a discreet leather collar. Then we got in her car and she drove me to the hottest ***** club in town. She bought me three dances and let the girl know what was up. The dancer had the time of her life teasing the hell out of me. After the first dance she informed some of her friends what was going on. They all grabbed my crotch to see if was true, It was a long night. When we finally left I felt everyone in the place was checking me out. On the way home she told me she would have a surprise for me every weekend until I found the key.

When we got home and fact every night my only release was to please her. She always was dressed sexy and sometimes she would intentionally ********** in front of me and tell me how good it felt and then she would have a noisy ****** in front of me. After she cleaned up she would say, “Don’t you remember when you could do that”.

Sunday she said it was obvious that I was really craving a release. She felt sorry for me so she said she would unlock me for 45 seconds. Forty-five minutes earlier she had given a Viagra. Then she tied up my legs and arms. She brought in a bell kitchen timer and set it for 45 second. When she started the timer she freed only my left hand. She knew I was right handed. I couldn’t wait. In about 30 seconds I was fully erect. With 15 seconds left she started the countdown louder and louder. The bell rang and she ripped my left hand away and placed a zip lock bag of ice on my crotch. Talk about frustrated. The 45 seconds were over and I was back in the chastity device.

My search became frantic and I didn’t want to face another weekend.
The following week clues are as follows:

Monday: You looked so pitiful seeking your release so I will try to make the clues easier. You must divide and conquer to find the key.

Tuesday: The key is hidden inside something you can pick up with one hand even the left one that failed you so badly on Sunday..

Wednesday: I want to make the clues even easier because you look so frustrated when you were searching last night. So in case you wondering if the key is impossible to find I will tell you that the key is hidden inside something in plain sight.

Thursday: The key is hidden in something that comes in many shapes, sizes, colors and designs but all serve the same purpose.

Friday: The key is hidden in something that has a recognizable smell.

Saturday: It is Saturday again and you know what that means.. You look like you are about to come unhinged. Maybe tonight’s little adventure will help. I‘ll leave you for a few hours to either search for the key or to figure away to jerk off, Good luck with that. If you spent half the effort you spend jacking off to **** you would have found it by now.

Saturday, while she was out shopping I concentrated on the garage. Meanwhile she had been shopping and bought a bag of clothes for her and me and some accessories. She hid the bag in the trunk of the car. As soon as she got home she gave me a Viagra again. We left in her car an hour later. She blindfolded me and it took about 35 minutes to arrive at our destination around 10:00 PM. She led me into a locker room and took off the blind fold.

She pulled out two outfits. A really hot dominatrix outfit for her with light accessories (a vibrator, lube, feather tickler, restraints, ball gag, crop, condoms etc but no hardcore stuff) She had a masculine, but not over the top, slave outfit for me as her slave with collar and leash. She blind folded me again and led me into a large room. She restrained my hands and legs in a standing position. She left for a minute and later I would find out she was handing out flyers to the women.

When she took of the blind fold I realized that I was in a sex club surrounded by men and women spectators. I was teased continuously while the women realized the benefits as described in the flyer. A prize was offered to anyone who could get me off. They tried vibrators, feather ticklers, dry humping crop spanking and tickling with no results other than my obvious frustration. I had to wear a condom when they tried oral or anal. Like that would have made a difference. It was impossible to climax and I went home even more determined to find that key.

I thought I would get another 45 seconds but she told me I had every possible opportunity to do it at the club…sorry.

Monday’s clue: She gave me a folder that had all the past clues written. This way she said, “You don’t have to keep sneaking around to scroll your text in the bathroom stall. By the way have any of the guys at work noticed that you don’t use the urinals anymore….chuckle, chuckle.”

Tuesday: I can’t believe you haven’t found it yet. I have seen you within inches of it. You need to work on your observation skills.

Wednesday: I am running out of clues. Unless you think and search harder your chances of making a case for mercy are nil.

Thursday: I can’t believe you haven’t figured this out yet. This clue will help you immensely. Women keep things on them all the time. Men can never find anything in such devices because of all the different pockets and designs,. Women have the same problem. You will have to figure a way to continue your search without me knowing though. I am not going to make it that easy.

Friday: There are clues within the clues that have made the hiding place obvious. Good Luck!!! Tomorrow is Saturday and you know what that means.

Saturday: I was exhausted from searching. She said she sensed my frustration and offered a compromise. She told me to go to the best adult store and buy the best *********** toy I could find and any accessories that would help me get off. She said to pick up a hot **** DVD to put on the big screen while she watched me explode. She gave me a Viagra and asked me to be gone the full 2 hours for the maximum effect. There is this great adult store that has just about anything you could imagine. It was a 35 minute drive each way so about an hour to shop. I finally settled on a hands free automated oral simulator along with a vibrating prostate stimulator and some sensitivity cream.

As long as I was there I picked up a remote operated **** stimulator and a voice activated rabbit *****, which I planned to program to my voice. I was preparing for when it was my turn for an erotic adventure with her.

When I got home I found my wife in the living room. She said, “come on over honey and model it for me one last time. At that point I was so horny I would have modeled it anywhere. Then she unlocked me and said, ‘Your free darling” as the Viagra kicked in instantly. No need to say anything else other than it was an “absolutely awesome” that night and the rest of the weekend.

Can you figure out where the key was? Unscramble these letters and you will see that every clue was fair and useful. IEBAFCERS

I loved the story, I would love to play that game with my Daddy/Dom boyfriend. Does that work with ED? It is frustrating me, that I can't suck him up, or stroke him up. And Viagra is very costly. He usually gets me screaming and have squirting *******. He teases me with his touches. As for the clue IEBAFCERS, face bires, ice fabers, icebreakers, I have no idea. You got to tell me where she hid the key? I am at the edge of my seat...waiting.

Very good advice. Have you read my story "Her Very Own SouvenirSwimsuitOfTheDay?" It has a bit of the dom/sub aspect to it. With me the dom of course.

I will check it out.

good advice very informing

Thank you Sweetwolf, I value your comments.


Good advice for everyone not just Doms. is good advice for anyone. Thank you ljk520215