Not Sure About Polyamory

I have been married for over ten years to a wonderful man. Lately I have come to the realization that I am bisexual. I am considering dating and forming a loving relationship with woman. When I told my husband about it he told me he was polyamorous and wanted to see other women! I was shocked you see, because he had never told me this after ten years of marriage. I did not take it well. I didn't really consider he would also be interested, even though I should have noticed the hints he was dropping throughout the whole time we have been married. I was initially nauseated at first, but now the thought of him loving other people scares the crap out of me. To be honest I have had a very bad childhood which left me with very low self esteem and abandonment issues, which I think may have something to do with my feelings. That being said however, I do feel the need to pursue an emotional and physical relationship with another woman. The thought of being deprived of that relationship makes me feel profoundly depressed, which makes me wonder how happy my husbnd has been this whole time. I am not sure if what I am feeling is in fact polyamory as I can easily imagine loving both my husband and a woman at the same time, but I don't feel the need to pursue any other people. My husband feels diffeently he wants to have multiple loving reationships, most of them non sexual but very deep emotionally. I am having a very difficult time understanding him when he says that he won't leave me, and nothing will change betwen us and that he won't love me any less. I just dont get it. I feel a tremendous fear of losing of our beautiful marriage. I also have told him I will continue to work on the sf esteem issues, and to try to move beyond my comfort zone. I have also told him that I am willing to forgo any outside reltionships if I can't work out my feelings and if It comes to it, leave the realtionship so he can be happy. He keeps saying to forget about it and pretend like it didn't happen but it did I am not going to pretend that it didn't happen I am going to move forward and try to wk this out. I just have serious doubts that I can overcomemy feelings and I think that mg husband is also afraid that I will leave him. I am sorry for my terrible spelling I am typing using a tablet and I am not used to it. Any sugguestions would be appreciated thanks.
Sadangel22 Sadangel22
31-35, F
May 16, 2012