Can't Wait To Get Started!

After thinking about it for three months, I finally got up the courage to tell my husband that I'd like to have an open marriage. He is still in shock, but I think he'll get used to the idea. He told me he would feel uncomfortable and jealous, but that my happiness was important to him and he didn't want me to feel trapped. I love him so much, and I want to grow old with him, but after 20 years of monogamy my souk is bursting for something more. I feel like my life is racing by. At 47, I can't wait to expand my horizons.
I am reading "Opening Up," by Tristan Taormino, which is very helpful. Other suggestions for guides and any other advice is most welcome. I have three old college friends that I have loved as friends for many years. I am hoping to deepen my relationship with each of them... I have romantic feelings for each of them and it would be so wonderful to indulge that, whether it involves sex or just snuggling or whatever they are comfortable with.
vvla vvla
46-50, F
6 Responses Nov 27, 2012

add me too plsss!!!

Another update for anyone who may be interested:
I have gotten together with all three old college friends that I mentioned at the beginning of this little saga. It has been incredibly rewarding to reconnect with each of them, but not without complications. I feel an emotional connection to each of them, and they with me, but two of them are a little conflicted about having a sexual component to the relationship. They want it, but they feel a little weird about it. So I have told each of them that there is no pressure whatsoever; our friendship will survive any temporary weirdness, and will certainly survive my midlife crisis.
I am pursuing the BDSM angle, vetting and screening potential partners, which has been interesting. I feel like I'm interviewing potential employees--it has a bit of the same flavor! As in, is this a reasonable person that I could see working with? Do they seem ethical? Are they a good listener? Are they interesting?
I have met a couple of very pleasant men that seem like a good fit, and I've explored a little bit with a Dom that runs the local BDSM club. He has taken me under his wing and is showing me the ropes, so to speak.
I'm extremely grateful to have gotten this far. I feel so fully alive and open to possibility, and it's permeating every aspect of my life. The sunsets seem richer, the spring flowers seem more exuberant, my coworkers seem more dear to me. I'm grateful for this forum in which to express myself!

Here's an update for anyone who cares. I am in a bit of a holding pattern! Turns out I am not comfortable just running out and finding random new sex partners. However, I am exploring the BDSM scene, have joined the local Club X, and gotten on to, so we'll see where that takes me. Meanwhile, can't wait until next month when I'm seeing my old friend that I got together with in January. He lives in another state, so finding ways to intersect is a little challenging!

I have a lot to report since my last post! My husband and I started going to therapy, and after several sessions with an extremely affirming therapist, he agreed to try an open marriage! It is scary for him, but I am so grateful to him, and it makes me love him even more and want to deepen our sexual connection even more, so that has been great. Meanwhile, I reconnected with 2 very old friends and had super hot sex and just a really great time hanging out and enjoying their company. I am a happy camper! I am now hoping that my husband will avail himself of the same freedom--I would truly be happy for him.

Thank you, mmmchloe! Your reply was helpful and so affirming.
I have a question for you and other experienced poly experts. One of my old college friends has been very supportive in listening to all that has been going on with me as I decided to become poly. Without pressuring me or coming on too strong, he has told me that when I'm ready, he'd love to have sex with me. However, he has no intention of telling his wife and basically would be cheating on her. He lives in a different state, and I have never met her, but the ethics of this is troubling me a bit. He is proposing traveling to see me in about a month, both to reconnect as a friend but also in hopes that we will have sex. However, he has said that whether we have sex or not is totally up to me, and that he'll be happy to see me and spend time with me even if all we do is go out for lunch.
What do you think of this? I did not feel that I could continue in my marriage without being honest with my husband--I don't want to start having affairs, lying and hiding things. That's why I told him I want to explore polyamory. But if I am instrumental in allowing my college friend to cheat on his wife, is that just as bad on some level? Or is that his deal and his decision? He says that he can compartmentalize, that it's okay because I'm important to him, and because our relationship predates his marriage. But these seem like rationalizations to me.
I will be very interested to hear who others have approached this type of situation.

I think it's an individual decision that you and your husband will have to make on your own. The beauty of my particular relationship is that no one feels guilty about anything - everything is out in the open all the time. In your situation, I'd be concerned that the fact the friend was cheating on his wife would somehow taint the experience for you, or fester into a real problem. If you didn't KNOW about it, that would've been one thing, but since you do know, it's just too late. It would bother me that there was dishonesty going on, that might bite you back in the end (what if he got sloppy over time and his wife found out, which destroyed their marriage - would you feel guilty about that? What if he fell in love with you and chose to leave his family?). It's just adding a complication that you might not want.

There ARE people out there that will be truly "no strings attached," and be a good fit for you and your husband. You don't have to settle for an imperfect situation (and PLEASE don't do it simply because you're excited to get started in this exciting lifestyle...patience will pay off).

You'll be surprised at the situations and opportunities that come your way - you just need to know what you want, and stick by your beliefs (I think).

Good for you for taking the plunge and opening up a dialog with your husband. That initial hump is sometimes the hardest to get past. There will surely be plenty of challenges ahead, but as long as you're honest, open, and loving towards each other, you'll make good decisions - together.

Something happens in your forties, I tellya! We finally have accepted our bodies for what they are, and are comfortable in our own skin. We have succeeded and failed for decades, and know what we like and don't like. It's a great time to explore.

I have been with a married couple for over 2 years now, in a closed triad - our blog is here if you'd like to read it: We are in our forties also, and love our lives.

Beginning with no expectations seemed to work with us, and may work well with you and your husband. We didn't sit around and talk everything to death and set up rules and regulations about who does what and when. Those things happened gradually and naturally over time, and I don't think any of us felt stuck or forced to accept things we didn't want.

Getting together with a special old college friend also seems logical...just getting together for drinks or a barbecue and nothing else, just to see if everyone clicks. That way you have nothing to lose. Then maybe reminiscing over old memories will spark some interest and open a conversation...

Good luck - I hope to hear how things go!!