Thoughts Spurred By A Troll...

This trollish response to the following story made me stop and think:
EP Link


"Your not only a wh@re,your deranged. If he really cared about you,he wouldn't always go home to his wife."

A few actual serious thoughts spring from the troll's comment:
I am currently planning on spending the next 2 years or more living singly, and being honestly polyamorous.

So...what does it mean to "love" someone? to "show " "real love?" To "really care?"
Right now, I REALLY love my best friend and #1 crush, who lives in England.
I show this by talking to him just about every freaking day, by telling him what a special guy he is, trying to make him feel sexy-so that he'll manage to get himself laid by someone else b/c he needs a good laying.
I can't go over there to boink his beloved brains out, so someone must be deputized, much as I desire to do this myself.
I do love him. I'm in love with him...

I am afraid to tell my lady I am starting to feel love for her...but yeah, I can see it start, and she's worth it.  She is...a gem of a person.  Very kind, very sweet...had a pair of back-to-back losers she was living with.

I am talking to a guy I could also see myself ending up loving, he's...sort of light and fluffy and nerdy and warped.
I still want to live by myself for now, and if I get to like it I may keep on with so doing.
...This is not "true love" as our society defines it.
"True love" apparently is something you feel ONLY for a person you live with? So does that mean my feelings are fake for anybody I don't shack up with?

"True love" for me was very nice at first.
It eventually left me wanting to gnaw my leg off to get out of the chains of guilt that held me in a barren wasteland of neglect.  My STBX emotionally abused me and neglected every interpersonal need I had!
But she told me "I love you," on a regular basis!
What did that mean to her in the context of our relationship? 
In her case I think it meant: "I really do feel deeply for you, but it is too difficult for me to change, so I won't. I don't care for sex, so I really hate how much  you want to have it, it's so inconvenient and slimy. The fact that you're lonely is your problem, I can't interact with you that much without being uncomfortable. I don't like it when you push me away, regardless of how I shouted at you a few hours ago, you should have gotten over that quicker.  I don't like it when you interrupt whatever I'm working on or my computer games. I don't like it when you define me as having any problems. You should be able to adjust to all that, because you love me."

 My definition of "I love you." meant " I trust you to give me accurate feedback about how I really am and how reality is.  Whatever you say I believe.  I trust your version of reality more than my own.  I trust you to not say things that are not true or that injure me.  I trust you to worry about my emotions, to nurture me, to reassure me.  I trust that you want me sexually and I want you sexually as well, I trust you to work hard at our relationship and to care enough to do something to make the relationship a place I can be safe and heal in."

So we "truly" loved each other...but it didn't work out because we didn't mean the same things, weren't willing to back up those words to the same degree.

What does love mean in terms of feelings, actions, desires?  How can one say ANY love isn't "true," and what's the criterion?

I know the definition of love that society has isn't working for about you?
hylierandom hylierandom
2 Responses Dec 15, 2012

The ancient Greeks had many words for love. English has just one. It is used in relation to food, music, things, seasons, actions, friend, parents, children, lovers and others. It has become a meaningless word most people say by habit. It is never explained nor a reason give. Just empty "I love" statements. Each love is unique and of a different depth and type. And one has many loves in their life. Not all are romantic love of lovers and even those that are, are not always the love that say I want to spend the rest of my life giving to you because of that special value you have to me. Yes in spite of it, we all know when we feel it what it is to us. Only you fully know your love and to a degree the people you give it to know it. And that is all that matters.

You have raised some excellent points! Society' s definitions have kind of blown up in my face. For years I gotten caught up in what "love" is supposed to look like and sound like and my experiences just have not jived with that. My spouse continually buys me wonderful thoughtful gifts and I pretend they rock my world. I grew up in a Catholic family and getting married and having children is supposed to be the foundation of all that is right in this world but I never got there. Some of that due to my sexless marriage and also just because I was never emotionally or financially in a place I thought a child should be raised in.

Before I married I loved dating.I adored sex too but there was more to it than that. I really did not want to choose. Now that the years have passed and I am in my sort of happy sexless marriage with an equally suppressed lover on the side I still do not want to choose. I hold my tongue with both men. The word, "love" does not pass my lips very often even though in different ways it probably should.

So I come to the conclusion that I probably should have become a spinster aunt.....or I could continue to be a deranged who're ......either way I know life has certainly changed direction for me compared to the acceptable norms of society. I am not brave enough to push that button proposing my polygamous lifestyle but it does intrigue me too.