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My Anger Makes Me Feel Like Superman

I have been told all my life how angry i am. When people look at me they see my father. My friends are afraid of me. I can't drink alcohol as i get angry. I have hurt many people. Have shown little to no respect for others personal safety. Grew up in an explosive environment. Have been told i am the result of my experiences. I now have remorse for those things i have done.

Those of you who read this and feel some familiarity you'll also know the feeling of intoxication, the power and strength that the anger brings. I feel the rush start in my stomach and rise up my body- consumes me. Feels so good.

The strength, the energy it brings. I love the way i don't need sleep and don't feel pain. No sorrow or guilt. The emptiness is removed. Huge tasks become incidental. Results are achieved. Focus is amplified. It intoxicates you. Your whole body just feels alive. There is no pain. There is no doubt.

There is no sorrow.

I feel like i need to be wheeled out in a cage. The fear in others eyes.

As with all drugs, there's always a price to pay and the toll may be harsh. Some get off lightly but others pay dearly.

souloftheether souloftheether 26-30, M 2 Responses May 3, 2009

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I have been intoxicated like this on anger. It feels divine - it's like the insane rath of god consuming you. I become detached from myself, look on at my behaviour and the environment as an amused spectator, a being of ultimate power. It is gorgeous. It is totally intoxicating, divine, delicious. I hadn't felt like that - the release from the chains - in so long until a few months ago when I cut myself out of a business I'd co-founded by shouting at my colleague in front of another. I didn't even lose all control and go the whole way but it was enough to terrify her into indignation and tell me she could no longer work with me. It also scared our mutual friend and colleague to the point where he thought it would be a good idea for me to leave too. So yeah, it does have its downsides. The only place I got away with it was at home with my parents but now the home is split up. Yes, I grew up in an extremely explosive family environment too - felt like a constant warzone with hidden landmines all around the place. Of course that stuff shapes a person, how could it not!? I'm actually a really sensitive person too and get insulted and offended quite (too, others might and do say) easily. I can't take certain things and I will build up in intense anger until my rath has no bounds. In limitless fury, I am invincible :)<br />
And most people think me to be a sweet, caring, counsellor-type person! Well, I am that too. But how to have a healthy release for the monster is a tough question. I genuinely don't want to do harm but in that state, I really couldn't care less what happens. Is there an outlet for this that doesn't involve hurting other people or things or the environment?! I don't want meds and I don't want to repress it. I want to be able to feel it and let it loose in a healthy way. One might think sex would be one method but that actually hasn't solve it for me yet... Anyone have any other ideas or things they've tried?

Unfortunately, you wind up doing things you regret when you are angry. Most of the time (at least with me), you just do stupid things, like when I punched my car, putting a big dent in it. Then there are the times when you hurt someone else. Having been on both the receiving and giving ends of angry violence, it is utterly terrifying for the person being lashed out upon. There are few worse feelings in the world than the "what have I done?" feeling after you've hurt someone while angry. I experienced that feeling when I was staring down the sight of a shotgun, the bead in between my sister's eyes. My finger laid on the trigger as I screamed at her. One smartass remark and she was as good as dead. After about 30 seconds or so of staring down the sight, gun aimed at her head, both of us silent, the realization of what I was doing came upon me, as if in a wave. I got off light. She never told a soul. I can only be thankful that I didn't pull the trigger, or I would have been wheeled away in a cage, as you say. <br />
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I am not a very "quick tempered" person, especially since I quit taking Ritalin, but when I get pushed past a point, it's like someone flipped a switch. I just get the overwhelming urge to destroy whatever it is that torments me. I have no fear; I am willing to die to get my vengeance. Any words from other people are like trying to douse flames with gasoline. I can count on one hand how many times I've felt that way, but the potential is still there.