Is My Existence Even Relevant?I've often wondered what it would be like to just be completely gone. Like I died, kind of gone. Would anyone even notice? They sure don't now, even when I'm sick for a couple of days and can't come to school, when I come back and ask for notes, or what the homework assignment was, all I would get was a blank stare with them asking, "you were gone?"
yes that would usually peeve me off quite a bit, but I got over it. I always chalked it up to school being busy those past few days. Why should I expect people that I would consider my friends even wonder why I wasn't there.
Recently I got into a car crash, nothing serious, but still something pretty freaky to me. (It was my first crash I was in, and I caused it.) Details aside, besides the fact that I had two people with me (we were on our way to lunch). Anyways a group I participate in was running an Easter event, and after the crash I was to freaked out to go back, but they did. I expected them to spread the story to my other friends that were in the group, or for that matter, people to even notice that I was no longer there. It was an all day event, and I didn't come back half way through.
Not only did the event manager not realize that I came back, (I apologized to her the following Monday for my absence for the rest of the afternoon, and she seemed very surprised to hear that I wasn't even there) None of my friends, not even the ones that were in the crash with me, texted me, or called me, or messaged me on facebook asking if I was ok. none, no one. It made me feel that I could've died in that crash and no one would even care, or realize that I was dead. It was the worst feeling in the world, even worse than the epiphany i had earlier in the year that I had no real friends that I could talk to. Friend matters aside, but no one?
I came to school the next Monday and found that a few people new, but thought it wouldn't be worth contacting me about it. Here is what someone actually told me:
"well when you didn't respond to my earlier text when i asked where you were, then I just assumed you lost your phone and didn‘t try again" (this was sent before I even left for lunch, and I had clear visual of the sender of that time. And even if I did lose my phone, everyone knows I check facebook every day. No one asked me if I was alright. no one.
If I just disappeared off the face of this planet no one would even notice, unless they wanted to copy my theory work, or my chem homework (i'm pretty smart). And even then they would make me feel like ****, ignoring me the second they got what they wanted. I used to fight back, used to say that I deserved better than this. But always, they would always just say that i needed to stop thinking about myself and how I was an selfish *****. I am extremely shy, and just typing this up right now is really hard for me to do, but I literally have NO ONE to help me with my feelings. My parents feel that i'm just melodramatic and won't help me at all. Maybe I am melodramatic, but I would still like some help.
Like the title says, is my existence even relevant? answer is no, it is not. Me, i'm not going to save anyone, or even do anything life changing. It would be very unlikely that i would even solve the cure for cancer, or be president. I'm meaningless, everything i do is meaningless. People just use me, and when they have what they need they throw me away. That's what i am, just thrown bits and pieces of what everyone doesn't want. trash, that people can't be bothered to look at. meaningless, no good trash.
I just want people to know, because i think there are many who are like me. Those that try and make friends, but inevitably fail. I'm so invisible that people don't even realize that i'm right behind them most of the time, and when they do they make me feel awkward. I have this pain in my heart, i don't know the exact functions on why you feel pain in your heart when it's just a metaphorical sense. But it really feels that it's constricting, more and more everyday. When i look at people having fun, I sometimes pretend that it's me that's having fun with them, but then I realize that i'm still the same person, and I don't have anybody to have fun with. It's a horrible feeling.
I hope that some of you have read all the way to the end, I didn't mean to type so much. it's just when i start going I can't stop sometimes. I could be gone tomorrow and no one would know, not even you.