Am A Bit Jaded.

This guy D called - he wants to flight in to see me. I met him a few times two years ago, before I moved away. He has this thing for me, said I was different to anyone he's ever met (I rolled my eyes in my mind, but I didn't tell him, that almost everyone I meet says that to me). He likes me because I seem to see through him though I only just met him (again, that's what most people says).

He confessed what was obvious to me, but no one around him had notice. It was a weight off his shoulder. I took him outside and hugged him - he was amazed at the comfort of warmth I offered - in that moment, I wrapped him in my heart - I wrapped him in compassion, understanding and simple acceptance - I loved him.

To this day, he still thinks that there is something special between us. I didn't want to burst his bubble, but that's what I did - with anyone that is wounded that crossed my path. I don't do it these days. I need all the energy I can conserve. But back then, I would give my soul if that's what it takes to ease someone else's pain.

I had loved very freely in the past. I never looked for returns, or even any kind of relationship or friendship. In fact, it's harder for me to heal someone on a long term bases, than a quick succession and move on. I would offer pieces of my heart to random people - because they needed it. Because God gave me the opportunity to heal - to help. So I did.

I have had hundreds of people telling me their darkest secrets within the first two meetings of me - confessing feelings and thoughts that they didn't dare to share with their loved ones. With me they can drop their pretense because I'd give them the safe space to bare their essence. And I see them - I see all the goodness within - the light that shines so bright - and I love them. I love them just for that - nothing more, nothing less. And I always wanted them to see it and love it too. I would do whatever it took to nurse them - whether it's food, affection, comfort, encouragement, support, friendship, a good time or a promise of love - I gave it all.

So why am I so jaded?

Loving people for the truth of who they are is good. But I often get blinded by their potential, their pure light, that I block out the consequences of their character flaws - their present demons. I often overestimate my strength and staying power, and I tend to underestimate my own humanness and my own needs. I had been very hurt and damaged by some of those wounded souls that I have loved so deeply, so wholeheartedly with pure intention. I had been betrayed, I had been bruised, I had bled. I had came out with much of much of a broken heart, of a fracture spirit.

Part of me is sad that I no longer feel safe in loving so freely, trusting so freely. But another part of me is relieved that my shell had harden enough for me set my boundaries and take care of myself first, instead of always somebody else.
watchfulsoul watchfulsoul
26-30, F
2 Responses Jul 23, 2010

Honestly, I don't think you understand what it means to be jaded. I am jaded. I have worked as a ******** many years ago and been involved in the sex industry which was not something I truly enjoyed. That was what I had to do at that time to survive in a big city. I was in the gutter. This is where one becomes jaded. You don't know what jaded is.

I can agree with your sentiments, but I think in her eyes shee "feels" jaded. What happened is much more simple than what she writes - she grew up! I think she came to realization that actions have consequences (as you found the hard way - and I am sorry for your loss as well).

I guess as bystanders, we need to view the variations of the disillusion that we could experience and realize from her free-love point of view, she may very well be seeing an opposing end of her personal spectrum.

No, you still sound like you have hope for the "wounded souls". I was a wounded healer who could help anyone but themselves. Now, I have nothing to give and nothing much to receive in return.