Dislike My Boyfriend's Kids ...

Wow, I really thought I was the only crazy woman who didn't want anything to do w/ her boyfriend's kids! It is the strangest thing. I LOVE kids. My friend's kids, my nieces and nephews, my own girls...anyone else's kids, but HIS. Weird, isn't it? I just can't bring myself to even think about them. Everytime he talks about them or talks to them, I immediately get this hatred welling up inside me. I seriously wonder sometimes how I can despise these children so much when it is so against my nature to hate kids. I have tried to make an effort. I have gone places and done things with his kids. Currently he has them every other day and every other sunday. His daughter who is 10 is a whiner and clingy. She still talks baby talk "dada" and "gram-gram", she does not listen, she does not share, she is lazy. The boy is also lazy and a cry baby--his is 13. Neither are involved in any sports or after-school activities. They are unsupervised because their mother never wants them around however they do have 50/50 custody howvever they are at his house after school everyday and all day during the summer. If one of them is sick, they have to stay w/ their dad because they might get their stepssister sick at their moms. They only shower at their dads. dad does all their laundry. No key to mom's house cause god forbid they get dropped off on time and the mother is not there. This Thanksgiving, the mom left for a whole week w/ her husband and their daughter and left the kids hanging w/ dad on a holiday because she couldn't afford the airfair for them too. OK, really? if it's a holiday and I can't afford to take my kids... we don't go, period. It's just a sad situation really ... and I am making it more difficult not wanting anything to do with them. I KNOW I am jealous that he spends more time w/ them than me (we do not live together). He is a wonderful man however... he is doting on me and confesses his love to me everyday. I KNOW he loves me, but he also loves his kids, which of course is normal. I just have raised my children SO differently and can't imagine my 6 year old acting like his 10 and 13 year old. He even says I'm a great mom and he wishes their mom was half the mom I am and he wants to mirror my parenting style. I just can't get past this whatever I'm feeling. So, however wrong, terrible, psychotic it is to be jealous and hateful towards his kids, I am. He also loves my kids, almost unconditionally, which makes it even worse that I can't even say his kids names without seething. ANY words of advice would certainly help...I want to change, I want to welcome them. Sometimes I think maybe this is my mission in this relationship...to provide them w/ a "stepmother" who can give them something they are lacking from their own mother. I tried to believe this was why I was put in this situation, but that didn't help. There has to be something to make the light bulb turn on and the hatred stop. And really, those of you who just want to say that I am selfish and uncaring or whatever YOUR hatred is for the day, need not comment. I fully admit to being a selfish ***** when it comes to these children... I am asking for advice or ideas from people who've experienced the same. I am at a loss ...
vallaw vallaw
36-40, F
15 Responses Apr 20, 2011

Im so glad i found this forum. I feel the same way and have been trying to understand what must be wrong with me to make me dislike a child so much ! I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years . I was aware that he had a young child(3 yrs old) when we started dating and i have tried to remain supportive and open minded about everything but this child literally drives me crazy. Im thinking that the fact that i dont have any kids may be the reason his presence annoys me because im not used to being around kids and didnt really know what to expect. The child bas destroyed numerous things in my house, torments my dogs and throws fits when he cant get his way. I know im not a parent and dont know alot about discipling but the way my bf disciplines him doesnt work at all. He just spanks him and tells him to go to sleep. He is also always drunk or high and never tries to do educational activities with his child he just plops him infront of a tv. I have tried to be interactive with the child, reading to him trying to take him to the park , taking him with me when i go to the grocery store but all he does is throw fits the moment he doesnt get his way. I just cant deal with this and my bf acts like i was supposed to love his child immediately and take on a mother role. This situation has made me not want kids at all !

OMG I am going through the EXACT same thing. I was feeling so bad like I want to love this man and accept is children like he does mine, but our parenting styles are so different and his children are so annoying to me.
It's been four years since this post. How are things going?

I have been with my guy for almost 20 years. I still get irked when he talks to or about his kids. They're adults now and still call and ask him for sh!t. I hate it. I wish he only had kids with me. You will either warm up to them or you won't. It's biologically impossible to love step kids like your own. Women who say that they do are lying. I think all step moms secretly wish our guys didn't have kids from another relationship. It sucks knowing that he has already experienced all of the firsts with some stupid ho.

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I am also in the exact same situation.....and I am a teacher and no i don't hate kids either. What I have unfortunately come to realize is that it is not the kids.....it is the parents...kids act according to their environment and if something is not right in their environment they act out even more..so u probably dont hate them....hate the ones that created them and realize that most likely this will not change.

I am in a situation that is nearly identical. I have tried to love his kids. Tried hard, but I just can't. I get angry every time they are in my home. It is a terrible feeling.

I think the feelings you may be having towards your boyfriends children are rooted in how disgusted you are with their mother than the children. They are just acting out and responding to how poorly they are treated by her and you in turn get to see the resulting behavior. How do you thing THEY feel when mom leaves them, doesn't give them a key to their own house or allow them to be loved and snuggled when THEY are sick? You said yourself that you love children, so maybe you feel this way because of how their mother treats them and you get the issues? And because you raised your children so differently it is unfathomable that a mother would treat her own children this way so maybe in the back of your mind their must be something wrong with them.... I would bet that if you truly started talking about the mother and how she makes you feel and discuss with your boyfriend ways to manage her your feelings may change. Put those childrens' shoes on for a minute. They are just reacting to how they are treated all the way around. IF you truly can't get over how you feel resentment towards them then maybe being in the relationship is not good. They will also feel the rejection of you and continue to act out. It is perfectly ok to say that you can't do it and walk away from the whole situation.

Well, I thought I was crazy too and was going to hell for all the evil thoughts I have about my bf's kids, but now I know I'm not alone. I can't stand to hear they're names mentioned. The bf lives in my house. I asked him to move in 7 yrs ago thinking we were gonna get married. His son was 1 at the time and his daughter 6 mos. I hate to see them coming and can't wait for them to leave. Nope, I don't hate all kids, and I don't really hate his, let's say I can't stand them. I can't stand how they've taken over my house. I have no say-so over when the kids come, when they go, discipline, etc. He never stands up for me or checks the BM b/c he's scared of her. She IS the tasmanian devil and gets turned up and will cuss you out in 5 seconds flat. They're at my house EVERY weekend, during the week, EVERY holiday, and every summer she comes up with some scheme to get rid of them so they're here most of the summer. The BM doesn't want to be bothered with these kids b/c he's not with her anymore, so she literally came to my house one day when they were infants and left them there with no food,diapers,bottles,clothes, nothing. And it's been like that ever since. It's really pathetic how she treats these kids. And I get that they're starting off with a disadvantage, and I try to be understanding and patient. But they are rude, disrespectful, defiant, loud, obnoxious, greedy, manipulative. They eat hundreds of dollars of food in 2-3 days! He's either out of work, underpaid, drinking and smoking all his money up so the financial burden lies on me. The bm gets government assistance and won't buy those kids a toy, or clothes and shoes on a regular basis. She sends her daughter out of the house with her hair looking like buckwheat, and the bf is looking at me like it's my fault, like i'm supposed to by them clothes and shoes, and do her hair. I feel like none of them appreciates the struggles I make to make ends meet, pay bills, make sure there's food for their greedy ***es to eat. The daughter has her dad wrapped around her finger to the point where she orders him around, tells him what she wants him to do, yells at him, tells him to shut up, just basically talks to him like she's an adult, and she's 7! He never reprimands her, but he gets mad at me about how his bm treats the kids and expects me to step in and be their mother. I fostered a newborn baby for a full year. And you don't know how a child is going to turn out from infancy, but she was a joy compared to his kids. If I could have I would have adopted her, but that's another story...He didn't help me with her, didn't buy her ONE diaper, but I'm supposed to spend my money on his kids. Oh, and was he jealous when I was fostering the baby! Because she was mine and I raised her the way I saw fit, he felt I shouldn't have another kid b/c his kids were already there. He's become abusive toward me with excessive drinking,verbal and physical abuse. When they were little they destroyed everything they got their hands on: broken windows, doors, lamps, busted sofa, juice stains on EVERYTHING, broken beds, holes punched in walls, wood floors ********. Man, I'm making myself sick just sharing my story. My problem is, I'm not a heartless person, I feel guilty putting them out of my house b/c I know the mom doesn't want them and the bf has no job and no money. I'm really tempted to leave my own house just to get away from them. I don't know what to do either, but it was good to share and not be judged as a monster.

Omg I got angry just reading your story! There's only one thing u need to do, and that is leave that ungrateful man. Stop being there door matte, u can do better. Go be happy again and take u your home back. **** that **** I couldn't and wouldn't deal with all that. I would probably go to jail for beating his baby moms ***. But seriously hun u have got tolet go.

Thank u sis. I finally did let go! Everybody has been kicked out of my house and I'm in the process of reclaiming what's mine!

BM does not want the kids, but I'll betcha she has NO PROBLEM cashing those child support checks, does she?

I dont have jealousy, just very much dislike my boyfriend of over 3 yrs children. They are both very different, but both are very disrespectful. Its like that saying goes "those children who dont respect their parents will not respect others". This is to say the least. My bf has 100% guardianship of them, so I dont blame them 100% for the way they are, I also blame him and his family. The kids who are 13 and 16 do not ask, they tell their dad what they are doing. The social media is out of control. The oldest in his eyes can do no wrong but is the biggest manipulating "B" that I have ever met and the family doesnt see how she is. The youngest is a foul mouthed hooligan, disrespectful little girl. Neither girls know how to say thank you. They expect everything!!!!! If they dont get what they want, the fits they throw are unbearable. Sad thing is, they dont get punished. Both dress like they are ready to swing around a pole, but its ok. I dont go see my bf any longer because I cant stand being around them and I dont allow him at my house because I dont want the girls coming with him and my neighbors arent too fond of the girls as well, especially the youngest for things she did. The youngest has greatly been ignored in a way as the oldest gets anything and everything she wants. I feel very bad for the youngest, but when I get treated like crap every time I do she her, just reminds me why I stah away. Sad thing she doesnt know how much I push her dad to be fair between the both of them and life isnt all about the oldest, he also brought another child into this life. So frustrating because what my bf is now, is not what he was the first yr and half of us dating.

I fwwl the same way my bf has two kids & they are nightmare they have no sense of responsibility they don't like to clean up after themselves they leave everything laying around for someone to clean up that way they liv with the father he has full custody and he doesn't tell them any different. when he does tell them to clean they are always complaining why do we got to clean it. we are also having a baby and he wants to keep one of the kids in the room with me and the baby they should not be sleeping in the room with us i cant take it. they eat everything in the house in one day i gotta hide my stuff and put it in the room. there is certain things i can eat when i pregnant and he lets them eat it all because he don't deprive them of them food. they don't want to sleep in the same room they rather stay in the room. not except able

I'm on here for the first time tonight because my stepkids have totally ruined my life and I need to vent. I would NEVER marry a man with kids again, especially a man that has primary custody. Even if the kids are typically with the mom, you never know when something could happen and they end up living with you. I lived for weekends when they were with their mom. Then, their mom would lose her home, live in a shelter, and I would have them for months at a time with no reprieve. This has happened at least twice in 3 years. They destroy my home. Nothing is safe. I recently put a lock on my refrigerator and pantry because $300 of groceries didn't last more than 2 days. Now that the lock is on, the food has lasted over a week.They are now 14 and 15. The 15 year old boy still doesn't regularly bathe or change underwear or socks. He admittedly doesn't wipe, so the underwear are horrible. My husband denies this and every other bad behavior they do. Now my husband hates me because I complain about this and expect him to stop it. He will even lie to cover up what they do and yell at me about it. There is no worse misery than having out of control children ruin your home, your marriage, and your life. Even if they were to leave and live with the loser mom, he would hate me for that. RUN and don't look back!!!!.

Goodness! I wrote about how blissful my escape from being a stepparent was, and you have it way worse! I'd run for the hills sista!

I have the same feeling a out my boyfriend's three daughters, all of whom are horrible brats who are physically aggressive and out of control. In fact I no longer allow my 12-year old to play with them bc of their behaviors- but my hatred of the girls, which developed and increased over time, goes beyond what I would call rational for the behaviors alone - I think<br />
It is more of a visceral instinct. I talked to my own mother about this, feeling like I was losing my mid, and she said she had the same problems with my father's two kids by his first marriage. In their situation they moved away from his ex and the kids. <br />
In my situation I'm simply unable to tolerate my boyfriend's kids AT ALL... So when he has them we don't see each other. It's not a great solution as we've talked about wanting to live together and it will never happen as long as he has substantial custody of them. Probably the only fair thing to do would be for me to leave the relationship, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it and he continually says that he wants to be with me despite knowing how I feel - (and I did tell him that I hate, not merely dislike them). It's a horrible situation.<br />
If I had it to do over I would never have become involved with someone who has kids.<br />
Sorry I don't have a solution... But you are definitely not alone in your feelings!

Me too, I completely understand the feeling. My circumstances are a little different- my boyfriend's ex is from another (middle eastern) country, and the children have grown up spending the vast majority of time overseas with the ex under ridiculously luxurious conditions (cook, maid, driver, mansion, private school, everything they ever want- no one ever says no, the servants let them win every game they play, etc.), and so they've taken on her outlook on life (treat your maids like scum, pay servants almost nothing, exploit everyone, manipulate until your get your way, everyone owes you) and her culture (it has to be designer or forget it, has to be first class or there's no way that I'm going, etc.). Basically the ex, and the culture the kids are being raised in, is severely status-focused, materialistic, snobbish, exploitative and racist. So the kids don't share any of my humble, vegetarian middle class midwestern ethics and values (such as hardwork, respect, treating others as you would want to be treated), they consider themselves to be superior to my boyfriend and I (because they live in a huge house with servants, and we live in a small condo in a high priced area of the US and never take exotic vacations to Dubai). So when they come for a visit it is almost intolerable- the kids won't eat the vegetarian meals my boyfriend and I normally eat, so we have to make meat just for them and a veggie alternative for us (or listen to them complain constantly- but then again they complain constantly no matter what), they expect to be driven everywhere with no thought as to the inconvenience it causes us- our days are spent dropping one off at the higher end mall 1 hour away (god forbid they go to the cheaper one across the street), then the other at his friend's house, then whoops it's already time to drive 1 hour back to the mall to pick up the first one and drop him at another friend's house, then it's time to pick up the second one and he has to go to the store to buy a video game than to another friend's house... and the day is gone. Then we come back to the tiny condo, with just a set of japanese screens to separate our bed from the living room (it's an open design) and we lie in bed listening to the tv and trying to sleep until 3 am, when they finally go to bed. We can't talk without them hearing, can't have sex- it's horrible, like the Jean Paul Sartre play No Exit. I just wait for the day they return to Egypt. Anyway, there are many factors that play in to this feeling. Yes, there does seem to be an instinct to dislike the reflections you see of your boyfriend's ex. But there are also problems associate with being expected to live with, and share your life with, someone who completely fails to accept any of the values you hold, and who complains about everything you try to do together, nothing is good enough for them, and they have absolutely no interest in getting to know you. As far as they're concerned, life was better before you entered the picture. And they really don't need you. In our case, the kids barely know my boyfriend because they live overseas and see him only on vacations- and they have a large extended family overseas. We really don't matter to them. Then there are the socioeconomic and cultural factors. And finally there is my boyfriend's guilt about not being "dad." He is completely insane- has no control whatsoever when they're in town- for example, he lets his 15 year old son decide whether or not we're going to visit our family over Christmas- and of course the kid decides no because there isn't enough paintball and video games in the area where our families live- so that's it, we're going to sit here in the condo through the holidays driving the kids around here and there and miss seeing our families at the one time of the year when everyone plans to get together. It's insane to give a 15 year old this level of control, and even more insane for me because he isn't even related to me. So I have to go see my family alone, while my boyfriend sits in the condo with the kids over the holidays. Yes, step kids are really one of the worst things that you can experience. And it's not the kids fault- it's your insane spouse/boyfriend who is driven by completely irrational guilt, who asks his kids to decide what we're doing every single day they're in town (he's just trying to stay in the game), will never allow us to make any plans of our own when they're visiting, thinks it's ok that we all live and sleep in one giant room with the tv going all night and nowhere to have a one to one conversation, and who made the horrible choice to marry a royal b*&*h with no values the first time around. That's the problem.

I understand how you feel completely. Yes I guess we should feel bad about how we feel but we cant help it. Trust me i know!!! Our story is very similiar but I don't have any kids and my girlfriend does. She has 2 kids 1 girl thats 16 and a boy that is 12. The girl is rude and gets whatever she wants. Calls her mom names and complains about everything til she gets it her way. The boy is the worse for me. To hear his name makes me just irritated!!! He is 12 but still tries to sleep in the same bed as we do. He is very clingy with his mother. He won't even sit in his own bedroom like most kids do. He has to follow her in every room that she goes too. I am very jealous when she shows them attention instead of me. I put her first before anyone else but her kids come before me. Thats hard for me and yes most ppl thinks its crazy but you don't know how it feels unless your in someones shoes. She gives me them money or goes and buys them things when we barely have money to pay the bills. Yes I do want a family one day but I get mad because she has a family of her own and she knows how it feels. When I have a family I want it to be with someone that it is both our first time. I love her so I can't leave but every day is getting harder and harder for me stay. I thought I was the only one that feels this way so it feels good to realize there is more people out there like me.

I'm not judging you, but I would suggest that before you where to ever consider living together or getting married that you carefully consider that these children will be a major part of your life. They might be bratty or spoiled or what have you,...but it doesn't matter. They are children, and they are his children. Not being especially fond of them is one thing, but actively hating them is another thing indeed. <br />
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Before he was to marry you or get more serious about a future with you, he should have full disclosure that you aren't crazy about his children. I know that I wouldn't want to date someone that resented or seethed with hatred at the mention of my kids names.<br />
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Being a step-mother was one of the hardest undertakings of my life,...and I genuinely was fond of my step-daughter and grew to love her. I can't imagine how much harder it would be if I couldn't stand her.

My fiance and I recently consolidated finances and housing, then she announced her kids would be moving in.

I have a major problem with that. They are 24, 20, and 18. Let's call them SS24, SS20, and SS18.

SS24 doesn't have a job, smokes pot all day (which she doesn't care about), is greedy, childish, and expects to get paid even for household chores. SS20 is a little better, but recently dropped out of school and who's career goals seem to be a pizza delivery person. SS18 is the shining light, with aspirations of college.

I am having a hard time dealing with the living situation. No one except SS18 respects their mother. SS24 and she constantly get into verbal, emotionally-charged arguments. SS24 and SS20 are unmotivated, disrespectful slobs.

I love my fiance dearly but am thinking about moving out into a 1br detached house apartment. I am reaching the breaking point and I don't want to have an explosive argument, even though I've said numerous time her kids shouldn't speak to her.

Any help is appreciated.

I should say "her kids shouldn't speak to her like that".