Seated in a dark room, hearing the sounds of my keystrokes, the computer humming and the occasional Somalian outburst from the apartment adjacent mine, I ponder in a daze, the stupidity of my situation. Love is profanity, dirt wretched, perverted and dark -- fantasy. Love is the end of human sanity. Men are my equal, but as they pull my hair and bruise my skin shame washes over me -- worthless. A lump in my throat. I am truly alone today, there is no one. I saw a score online from an exam which I put off for love -- the love that left me seated in an icy chair naked in the cold... the love that crushed my soft heart to a fine black paste. I will never speak of this again... I am closed off forever -- never ever to love again. With men it is always the same same -- if I weren't so guarded. If my heart were not so tender, if my love was not so innocent and pure, if my soul was less giving, if I were less shy...if I was not me. I hope I can crush those pieces of me, so I can be wicked as men. Tonight as I double dip my jar of sedatives, I will stare at my ceiling and speak to the universe, please make me less loving, please make me less caring, please take all my empathy away, please harden my soul, make me selfish, PLEASE. I am sick of caring and sickened by the petty nature of men...I want the ache in my chest to go away. 

Isabeth Isabeth
26-30, F
6 Responses Mar 6, 2009

How could you think this wanting to be selfish and hateful like men ugh!! stay how and who you are maybe you will make a difference in men ps the world cant help you only God can

We are all unique & different in our own ways. And its sometimes very very tough for us to love ourselves no matter how hard we try when our circumtances & pain depletes a person of all motivation, strenght, & love. <br />
<br />
We just get sick of life & there are times when u wish u just didn't have to wake up or simply vanish frm the face of this earth! If there's i've learnt, finding strength in adversity or recovery is never never easy, but we must never lose sight of that goal. <br />
<br />
Not sure about you, but i found this video rather helpful in those difficult momnets of life. Its abt Nick Vujicic. link is below.<br />
<br />

I should add that I do appreciate these comments. It helps to know there are others out there listening. I apologize for being so depressed right now --- unfortunately nothing is good to me now.

I sometimes feel... What if what I truly want.... (get ready for this) does not truly want me back... <br />
<br />
And that being a source of my pain, I can do nothing but look at it in the mirror, scowling at it as it grimaces back at me..the source of my pain is me. How can I change myself, the way I think who I am so thoroughly in exchange for a man to love me back. What is worse a life without love, or one without self? They always tell me the same thing --- we think differently --- you are strange --- you are not like other girls....... ayayaya... I am only half human.....

If you ask yourself what you truly want in a relationship, you will the find the right man. Or perhaps he will find you.

I know... not all the same... just treated the same by them... it is probably me blah blah blah....