About To Burst

I just need someone to share my story with, i guess. Someone who actually wants to listen. But, every time I try to let it out I either lose a friend or become even more of an introvert than I already am.... I just need a way out. Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal and I hope I never will be, but it get's hard to pull myself out of bed in the mornings. I'm losing that "zest for life". Just wondering if anyone else felt the same way....
amongthelilies amongthelilies
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 10, 2013

every morning ): I take care of children for a living and even with them depending on me, its a struggle to wake up in the morning, open my eyes, sit up, and be a happy positive influence for them. even as my life starts to take a turn for the better and improve, i'm constantly running on 'empty' for physical, emotional, and mental energy. personally i AM depressed and feel suicidal a few times a month. i swear its like my serotonin producers are turned to 'off' (i picture them like little machines or motors in my imagination) . i eat healthy, keep in shape, do arts and crafts, go out in nature and garden, have adorable pets, but i'm just SO ****ing tired of life all the time!! life has no excitement, no positive things in it, i have no close friends to hold me up and support me, nothing to make me happy 'just because' like singing birds or warm sunlight shining on my face, even if they are there its like i live on a separate plain in a different dimension where happiness doesnt exist. NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY. a whole day of doing amazing things like eating all my favorite foods, watching new episodes of my favorite tv shows, going to hike to a waterfall with a friend, finding my favorite dessert on the shelf for the first time in months, listening to music i love, doing so many of those things, still leaves me feeling empty at the end of the day and miserably exhausted with existence.

I hope it gets better! I hope it gets better for all of us.... There's so much pain and struggle in the world. The only way I can seem to make it better is by realizing that my happiest moment can only be defined by the saddest parts of my life :3