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When It Comes

When it comes
I can finally forget
When it comes
The pain will end
When it comes
We’ll be together again
Oh, when it comes
If it comes

You gotta hate when someone makes you feel emotion again. When someone pulls you out of the bittersweet emotionless drudgery and brings you back to the even more bittersweet world of emotion. I had honestly forgotten what some emotions even felt like. Things like anger and love came at me again like it was the first time. Although, I will say I didn’t really miss the heartache, the late nights thinking about love, or the way I’d fight myself for hours about whether or not to send that message, even though all it said was: “hey.” On top of that, I’ve been desperately grasping for some sort of emotional handhold, but to no avail. For the first time in months, if not longer, I’m actually trying to make a connection with somebody before I hide it all away again. The only problem is that I know whoever I connect with will, almost without a doubt, get my heart in the process.

This makes things terribly difficult. It makes me very picky about who I try to connect with, and it’s even harder still because I can’t connect with anyone who’s taken because then I’ll probably end up falling in love with someone who’s taken. On top of that, I am rather bad at holding a conversation and I don’t open myself up easily which means it’s basically got to be a close friend. So, already my list is pretty ******* tiny. As if that wasn’t bad enough I have to get over my crippling fear of the person not accepting me afterwards, my walls put up to keep people out, my want to be alone a good percentage of the time, and my fear of the act of opening up itself.

Even if I do manage to get past all of that and find someone suitable for it, there’s always the wonderful time afterwards if I do end up falling for them and they want to be ‘just friends.’ Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’ve dealt with if before. But that is a very dark road that I’m not interested in repeating unless it’s necessary. So, there it is. If you managed to get this far then I applaud you. However, I don’t have a nice, neat, little wrap-up for this because I wrote this because I needed to clear my head and this is how I do it. Have a nice day.
FreeOrAlive FreeOrAlive 18-21, M Aug 14, 2012

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