Wether I Want To Or Not...

What is it about 'letting go' that binds people up inside. I've tried and tried but something is stuck up there in head that just won't let it slip away from me. I've tried to be understanding of her need to leave and even went as far as to take all the blame for it. It was, after all, my fault. Then I tried to re-connect with her (which went horribly wrong) and wrongfully believed we could just start over again and place the past far behind us. I know I could have, but she had a different view and decided, basically, I was not included in her future plans. Instead of going back to being understanding, I lashed out like a spoiled 10 year old, mad at the rejection from her. Then I decided to be mad at her. To throw tantrums and say anything that would make her mad and push her further and further from me. I simply decided to hate her.

Recently I've decided to turn off that hate machine, and try to finally accept what is, what was and what will never be. I didn't want the hate. I knew it was not a healthy burden to carry and it always seemed fake to me. But as soon as I made the decision to stop that madness, the old thoughts started creeping back in.

Being left behind is a hell unlike no other. Being removed is no picnic either. But the worst of it is seeing the person you love walk away from you seemingly unaffected and moving forward with their new life, while providing a constant reminder of how little you now matter.

Years have now passed and I am still stuck here to some degree. There is no reason I should care about this person and in my heart I know she's done with it and that I should just move on. She's made her stand, planned her future and I am not part of it. So why do I still have this conflict?

I can't say I'll be happy when I can finally let go of all of this, but I will certainly, finally, have some peace.
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1 Response Jan 6, 2013

Oh wow I've been struggling with a similar situation these past six months. Being rejected was very painful and even though this person wouldn't admit it to me I know. I keep telling myself to move on and occasionally I slip back into being very sad but then I'm okay. I'm okay, I'm okay...that is what I keep telling myself. And I am going to keep telling myself that until I believe it