I Am Learning to Love Myself
I was texting with the fiance of my fiance's best friend when she asked, "How are things going with you two?" To which I paused and had to think how to respond.
I told her, "I think I drive him crazy."
Her response: "Good crazy? Or bad crazy?"
To which I confirmed "bad crazy" and the conversation took off from there.
Complicated barely even begins to describe who I am. But the advice, "You must love yourself before you can begin to give yourself to another person" kept coming up. In fact, it always does. As a person who has been through all kinds of ****, Love was and is the solution for my friend.
I could go into all of the reasons for why I am the way I am...why I think and react the ways I do. But as she called it over text yesterday, these are just excuses. It took me a little effort to bite my tongue and refrain from defending myself, since all my life when I try to explain an aspect of Me that others don't get, I have been labelled as making excuses or being defensive. But I was too interested in what she had to say to waste time and energy explaining points: the fact of the matter is, on many occasions, I have felt--and feel--like this relationship is in serious trouble.
I've never liked cliches. Usually I mock gag when I hear someone say something along the lines of "you have to love yourself..." but upon reflection I confirmed in a nano-second that neither my fiance nor I love ourselves. It's just the way it is. Yet we still love one another--I'd lay my life down on that. While I can't say I agree with this "You must love yourself first" to the extent my friend does, it can't hurt to TRY loving myself...to see where it takes me and what changes it will make in life.
But how does one love oneself? I asked about that here on EP and concluded that I must be kind to myself. I must take care of myself and be gentle with my thoughts towards my performance at most things, my appearance, my chances toward success, and my mate. My friend told me point blank that I must face this **** and be a strong woman. Though I've been called strong before, I don't believe I ever was. I was a high-strung mess of anger, cynicism, and hatred. These things fuelled my life, not love. Anger is always temporary insanity, I've come to find.
So here I go: It will be a massive undertaking, undoing all of the crap both society and myself have done to myself.
But he's worth it. All of it. No matter what's happened before. I won't stop trying.
What's more: I AM WORTH IT.
I told her, "I think I drive him crazy."
Her response: "Good crazy? Or bad crazy?"
To which I confirmed "bad crazy" and the conversation took off from there.
Complicated barely even begins to describe who I am. But the advice, "You must love yourself before you can begin to give yourself to another person" kept coming up. In fact, it always does. As a person who has been through all kinds of ****, Love was and is the solution for my friend.
I could go into all of the reasons for why I am the way I am...why I think and react the ways I do. But as she called it over text yesterday, these are just excuses. It took me a little effort to bite my tongue and refrain from defending myself, since all my life when I try to explain an aspect of Me that others don't get, I have been labelled as making excuses or being defensive. But I was too interested in what she had to say to waste time and energy explaining points: the fact of the matter is, on many occasions, I have felt--and feel--like this relationship is in serious trouble.
I've never liked cliches. Usually I mock gag when I hear someone say something along the lines of "you have to love yourself..." but upon reflection I confirmed in a nano-second that neither my fiance nor I love ourselves. It's just the way it is. Yet we still love one another--I'd lay my life down on that. While I can't say I agree with this "You must love yourself first" to the extent my friend does, it can't hurt to TRY loving myself...to see where it takes me and what changes it will make in life.
But how does one love oneself? I asked about that here on EP and concluded that I must be kind to myself. I must take care of myself and be gentle with my thoughts towards my performance at most things, my appearance, my chances toward success, and my mate. My friend told me point blank that I must face this **** and be a strong woman. Though I've been called strong before, I don't believe I ever was. I was a high-strung mess of anger, cynicism, and hatred. These things fuelled my life, not love. Anger is always temporary insanity, I've come to find.
So here I go: It will be a massive undertaking, undoing all of the crap both society and myself have done to myself.
But he's worth it. All of it. No matter what's happened before. I won't stop trying.
What's more: I AM WORTH IT.
By:
deleted
Age:
26-30
1
response
