Little Deaths Of The Soul And Then....

A marriage dies in bits and pieces. The first betrayal comes as a surprise and one is left feeling alone and dismayed. You know that you are doing your best and someone tells you that you are the wife that sleeps in every morning without them knowing that you have been up painting in your art studio late into the mornings creating items for sale to bring money into the family finances. You need your rest when you can find it but no one hears about this. A little death happens to your soul.

You have a sweet dog that you love and you name her after your mother. Annie. One day he gets angry with her because she escapes from her pen and he drowns her in a bucket full of water in front of you and you stand there in disbelief! Your heart runs cold and you want to run away but you have just bought a house together and there are your children to think about and you are trapped. You block this out of your mind or you will go insane. A little death happens to your soul.

You sleep in twin beds at his choice and he comes to you for sex when he feels the need without one concern for your enjoyment. You decide to do the bedroom over and send away for a beautiful king size bed and you make this room romantic and beautiful and he chooses to move into your daughter's room as she is in college and  you cry yourself to sleep alone night after night. A little death happens to your soul.

You act like all is fine and put on a mask to hide your pain. People visit and comment on how beautiful your home is and how lucky you are and you smile and thank them. He puts his arm around you to show them that he is loving and caring and you want to hit him! Life is a farce! You want to cry out to them that it is not true but you still have children to think about and they need a home and a little death happens to your soul.

You find that he is getting his satisfaction from ****. That he prefers a woman on film or in the pages of a magazine. You lose weight and wear make up and keep yourself attractive in hopes that he will see who you are. You tell funny stories and work so hard cooking and cleaning and mowing and washing clothes  Are desirable and pretty and he ignores your efforts. A little death happens to your soul.

Then you pour all your efforts into your artwork for there you get some appreciation for your talents. You travel and get away from your prison and it is enough. You can survive on this. You become a sexless being and cannot even ********** anymore. Your life as a sexual being is over and you mourn this and cry. Another death happens to your soul.

Then you get injured at an art show and he won't even help you get dressed after your surgery! Won't even pay the five dollars for your phone service and TV in the hospital and you die a little more inside.

You go through almost two years of therapy for your injured shoulder and see countless doctors trying to alleviate the pain. You go alone and you are  of less worth because you have lost the ability to bring money into the house. You stood by him when he was ill and hospitalized and the day when you are crazy with pain from your injury and have to go to the ER alone for relief and you lay across the chairs in the waiting room because it hurts too much to sit up, he sits at home in his recliner with no regard for your distress. Morphine relieves your pain and you have to call your daughter to come and drive your truck home because he will not answer the phone. Another little death.

And then you find EP and realize that you are not alone and your soul starts to heal a bit. You make friends and get support and comfort from people that you might never meet face to face but they accept you as he never did. Strangers reach out and you start the process of finding yourself again. And one of these friends becomes so much more and you find love. You reach out in friendship and it grows into so much more between the two of you.

You laugh again. You feel beautiful and wanted for just who you are as a woman and as a human being. Slowly you get to know everything about one another and you find that connection that you have wanted all of your life. You remember crying out to your God years ago in the darkest time of your life and the promise that was made to you. So many years gone by but the promise has finally come. You remember the time your beloved Aunt Betty told you about her dream for you.  That a dark haired man from another country would come into your life and you would finally be happy and loved.

You think on life and how you had to be brought to your knees before you finally opened up your heart and allowed your wounded soul to heal and you give thanks for the knowledge that what you most desired was right in front of you. The little deaths of your soul are replaced with life again. You can love and you can feel and you can be totally alive. Your soul soars with the eagles once again. You chose life and love and respect and value once again and your heart is open to all of the beauty and joy that is yours for the asking and your little deaths are turned into living once again.

Never stop believing. No matter how long it takes for there is something better in this world then little deaths of ones soul. Peace,D.

dartist dartist
56-60, F
34 Responses Jun 12, 2010

sweetbutterbiscuit, you do me honor by having my story touch you so deeply. Everyone of us has these little deaths but this never means that we are dead inside! We always have the strength to fight back and chose better ways of living. My little deaths were turned into life and living. No one person will ever have the power to destroy my spirit. Only I can do this and I refuse!

Now I am living with grace and love and respect and married to a wonderful man. I worked and battled my dark times to survive and that is in the past. The shame in life is giving up. We all owe the marvelous gift of our being more that deaths of our souls. Choose joy and self respect. Choose strength and self belief in our goodness. Failure is not an option. I fought the dark times and others can too. One just has to be open and fight for what one wants. I made up my mind that the bastards were not going to destroy me. Everyone of us has tremendous power to overcome adversity. The first step is self belief. Peace,D

I'm going to cry right now.

What an amazing post. What a sad story. I am glad you are out and are finding your happiness. Good luck to you!

Your story touched me in such a profound way. I could not have written this any better myself and your story is my story, except for the drowning of your dog. I have a little dachshund who's mere presence in my life saves my sanity. I could not have forgiven that or stayed for one minute longer! You are a better, stronger woman than I am.

I just read this, and as a writer, I have to tell you how well-written it is! You sound like a talented, wonderful, beautiful person who should have never had to put up with such a terrible jerk. I hope things have improved for you and you have been able to leave him. I am sure once you are free, you will finally find the kind of appreication you deserve!

well you must be a very patient and loving, only a blind and stone hear ted person cannot see a beautiful person like you.

Dartist<br />
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I am not sure what to say but feel compelled to say something.<br />
But I am lost for words, I am having problems with the dog part of your story.<br />
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Good luck is all I can say, you finally have something good. Time to live.

Perhaps the little deaths stay with us for a time but they can be replaced with new and wonderful experiences. Recognizing that two people are different in how they view life and allowing blame and shame of perceived failures go makes it possible to view the future with a sense of excitement. Those full bags of hurts and pain can be left at the side of the curb. New bags filled with courage and anticipation are not a burden but a lightening of one's soul. Thank you scrmom101 for your comment. Life is moving along and the light at the end of the tunnel calls to me with a gentle voice tonight. Peace,D.

That was very beautiful, simply because it is so well said and all so true. I can think of hundreds of little small deaths of my soul, and I am sure i will never get them back. <br />
Your story touched me, I am sorry for your experiences, but thank you for verbleizing them so well.

I made a comment on you story mikebob and hope that it helps when you meet with your daughters. Thank you for commenting on mine here and I hope things go well for you. Peace,D.

I’m not quite to where I can actually have and hold onto hope, but you did much to help me believe that maybe, just maybe, someday… life can be better. I was inspired to tears at your story. I am so proud of you for moving on with your life.<br />
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I, too, stayed so my kids could have a life on a property in the country, a good school, a mom & dad in the house. I put my own needs secondary to theirs. I still do. I am not sure even what to do for me. I am just fighting in the courts to be able to have time with them, to have a chance to have a relationship with them, to be their dad. <br />
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(I just wrote a story in the group “I Am Working to Have a Better Relationship with my daughters”)<br />
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Anyway, I want to thank you for sharing this with us; you are a true inspiration!

It is amazing how something as simple as finding this site can bring about change in a person's life! A friend here told me about bringing a certain item into my home to bring prospective buyers to see my house and today I picked up this item at a resale shop. I held this in my hand and felt such good energy flowing through my body. Got back here and placed it on my counter. A few hours later a realtor called me and made an appointment for a viewing Sunday! I also got an unexpected brochure today in the mail from a moving/storage company. The Law of Attraction working as affirmative signs of wishes and wants come at the right times. So energizing and exciting! <br />
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A person plants the seed in their mind and knows it is the right move for them. Sends this out into the universe and the answers come back. Whether it is finding love or selling a house or better health or financial gain or gaining self respect, all can be accomplished with wisdom and recognition and belief. <br />
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Thank you basspla<x>yer for your kind comment and letting people know how EP has changed your life for the better! EP rocks! D.

Very nice. I love your take on things.<br />
EP dramatically changed my life. I've been here 2-1/2 years now and it couldn't have come along at a better time for me.

We inspire each other destry and thank you for saying this to me. Hugs,D.

Thank you Tzodiana for your comment and for reading my story. Also thank you for your kind wishes as I go on with a life that is so much better than the past one has been. I hope that your life journey is full of special joys. Blessings,D.

Wow...just no words to describe about your experience. I am so glad that you are finding happiness now..and wish you the very best in whatever you may do. Very inspiring...very thought provoking. Thank you for sharing.

Destry, Pain is pain for us all and one's may seem worse than another's but it is all the same in the end. No matter how bad things get, there is always a way to change a life direction. Looking back, I do wonder why I kept this going for so many years? How? The woman I am today would have walked away years ago but I first had to find my inner strength and self value. Now nothing will stop me from realizing my new found life! Hugs and blessings,D.<br />
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Yes Bass, EP was the catalyst that changed my life. I was also fortunate to meet a wonderful friend years ago who showed me that I have value and self worth. She and her husband opened up their hearts and home to me many times and walked me though my journey of re-discovering my true self. I found EP quite by accident , or so I thought at the time, after a life changing injury and found tremendous wisdom and support from kind and compassionate members here. <br />
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I have been a member of EP for over two years and have been inspired by stories and comments as people move on in regaining their lives and happiness. Many success stories in many venues in life. I am constantly inspired at the courage I read here. How a person can take their broken lives and find the peace that we all want and deserve. <br />
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Now I know that nothing is by accident for when we need a teacher, one always appears. In my case, many teachers and I thank them all for reaching out to me during the darkest times in my life and sticking by me. Peace,D.

Such a sad story but such a wonderful ending. At its best EP has an amazing power to heal. I'm glad that you found your way here.<br />
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One makes choices KFC and I was at a point in my life back then where this act of cruelty broke a part of my soul into pieces. I was left with making a choice for my children and if I had only myself to worry about, I would have left him on that day. Thank you for writing that I am brave but all of us who live lives of quiet desperation are brave in our own ways for we survive and eventually find a way to make a new life and move on. I have been privileged in knowing so many brave people and you are one of them. Blessings as you live your new life my friend, D.

D: They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. My H had a cruel side, and hated dogs and kids, but never would he hurt one. I think I might have gone to prison over that incident. You are a very brave woman.<br />
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You are in a much better place now. Time to begin anew. May God bless you both.<br />
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XOXO<br />

What I find interesting on some of the comments is a sort of attack on my judgment. No I did not see this side of him before we married. Many women go through this kind of life but few talk openly about them and perhaps this is why? <br />
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I am like many women. I got the sweet talk and trust and believed then I got hit with the reality of the person after finances are tied up so deeply that options seem had to find. Two children finally in a good school system and life was bearable but not happy. <br />
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This was not only a story about a horrible marriage but one that is ending with my moving on to a better life. Sometimes I wonder how I could have been so fooled and sometimes I wonder why I thought I had to exist this way for so long but hindsight is twenty-twenty. What is important is that I no longer am a victim. That I regained my self respect and sense of value as a human being. <br />
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If any of you would have seen me out in public, you would have thought I had a wonderful life for I could present a very happy face to the world. I was accomplished in my chosen profession. Had a lovely home and all of the outward appearances of a successful life. I do not want anyone to pity me. Certainly is not why I wrote this. I face my past with candor and openness but it is the past. I am not asking anyone here for credit in my changing my path in life now. I do not need anyone's approval but unless you have walked in my shoes, perhaps it is kinder to think of me as a woman who has overcome a miserable life then one who was a fool. Peace,D.

My dear, your marriage ended when you realised how little regard your husband has for life, for you, for anyone but himself. <br />
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Please stop deluding yourself.

I could write 50 comments here, but I don't know what good they would do. <br />
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One thing though I'm curious about, why do you feel the need to suffer so? Why are you punishing yourself? Did you not see any of this before you were married? Did you miss something?<br />
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My god, this man is a monster. How did you manage to get into this?

Get out of this madness while you still can, this guy is dangerous.

My dear, this man drowned an animal in front of you? In a bucket of water?<br />
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Forget everything else you wrote. You are dealing with a man with severe mental illness. Period.

The best thing to come from all that pain (I think) is that, as you say, happiness is now savoured and held and REALLY enjoyed

Reflections, Glad you are back. Thank you for your kind comment and we are fighters and will persevere. You have always been such a good friend to me and I wish for you all the joy life has to offer. Always,D.<br />
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Tasmin, Happiness has become a huge part of life now. Something real and something to look forward to. The past has been firmly put into it's proper place. Today is to be savored for every little happiness and tomorrow will move me one day closer to my dream that is now my reality. Thank you for your comment. D.

WOW!<br />
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How come I didn't read this story before??<br />
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You have written it so beautifully<br />
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The daily small cruelties that add up to a living hell <br />
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Thank goodness you have experiencing happiness now

My computer was down and I missed your touching story ... until now.<br />
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Never stop believing.<br />
No matter how long it takes<br />
for there is something better in this world <br />
then little deaths of ones soul. <br />
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We have turned our heads and our minds away from the facts in order to survive and raise our families ... What we gave up was our soul .. one little piece at a time ... We allowed them to control the marriage .... we compromised ourselves in order to save the marriage . Now it seems so clear .. back then .. it seemed we were trapped forever ... <br />
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I use to say that if it wasn't my husband's idea .. it wasn't a good idea .. He made all the decisions .. when to buy furniture , a car, spend money, you name it .. he controlled it ...<br />
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Now we know ... that was so wrong ... for them to treat us as possessions ... and to be mean to us .. to raise themselves above us ... to control our lives. It is what it is .. and it will never ever happen again to any of us .. Once we became aware .. we became stronger ... we trusted our instincts .. our choices ... our decisions ... it is a very difficult journey and we have survived ..<br />
You have found your soul mate ... at this point in time .. it was meant to be ... <br />
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I am so very happy for you ... to feel alive and to love and be loved .... life is good Diane ...<br />
I know that I will get there .. one step at a time ..<br />

WP, It was that moment that I knew I had made a huge mistake in marrying this man but I was stuck for various reasons. No longer for I know that I deserve so much better and I have found that in a very special man. Life will never be this bad for me again as I will never allow that to happen.<br />
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BCBoomer, Thank you for reading this. I no longer dwell on the past but I will never forget it or find it in my heart to forgive certain actions. Intentional cruelty is unforgivable. I hope that you enjoy reading my stories as they are varied on many subjects. One thing my life has been is interesting.

What a sad and wonderful story. You hit on the good and the bad of it all. Thank you for smiling at me,<br />
I find myself not being able to keep up with everyone and your gesture led me to your story. Little did I know I was missing out on a very interesting person! I look forward to reading more of your stories!

Thank you Thenewtricky for reading this story and your comment. Having the belief that life can change and working towards this with an open heart truly makes a difference. I have learned and continue to learn from members here and am constantly inspired at how people are making changes to find better and healthier lives. I am sure that finding EP has made my journey easier and moving along faster. I plan on being here for a long time as there is a wealth of sharing between people who understand what we go through. Replacing anger and hurt with joy and self respect makes for a healthy mind and body. Thank you for being happy for me and I wish for you the same. You are a kind lady. Peace,D.

Thank you Chai07 and I agree. Why do we put up with this crap for so long? In my case I wanted to have a place in the country for my children and I have to say that my STBX was a pretty good stepfather through their teenage years regardless of what was going on between us. I stayed because the abuse was not physical to me. I came to realize that the emotional and mental abuse was far worse. His role models growing up were not great. No excuse as adults make choices. <br />
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Now everyday moves me closer to permanently sharing my life with the man who treats me with kindness and love as it should be and I think on that all of the time. I am happy for you that you found this too. Blessings,D.

Dartist, you are the only person who could make abuse sound poetic. <br />
God, why did we ever put up with this kind of crap?<br />
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At one point last weekend, something clicked in my head, and I looked at my new love (who was at that moment holding my hand across the dinner table) and said wonderingly "THIS is the way it's supposed to be, isn't it?" And he knew exactly what I was talking about.