Little Deaths Of The Soul And Then....
A marriage dies in bits and pieces. The first betrayal comes as a surprise and one is left feeling alone and dismayed. You know that you are doing your best and someone tells you that you are the wife that sleeps in every morning without them knowing that you have been up painting in your art studio late into the mornings creating items for sale to bring money into the family finances. You need your rest when you can find it but no one hears about this. A little death happens to your soul.
You have a sweet dog that you love and you name her after your mother. Annie. One day he gets angry with her because she escapes from her pen and he drowns her in a bucket full of water in front of you and you stand there in disbelief! Your heart runs cold and you want to run away but you have just bought a house together and there are your children to think about and you are trapped. You block this out of your mind or you will go insane. A little death happens to your soul.
You sleep in twin beds at his choice and he comes to you for sex when he feels the need without one concern for your enjoyment. You decide to do the bedroom over and send away for a beautiful king size bed and you make this room romantic and beautiful and he chooses to move into your daughter's room as she is in college and you cry yourself to sleep alone night after night. A little death happens to your soul.
You act like all is fine and put on a mask to hide your pain. People visit and comment on how beautiful your home is and how lucky you are and you smile and thank them. He puts his arm around you to show them that he is loving and caring and you want to hit him! Life is a farce! You want to cry out to them that it is not true but you still have children to think about and they need a home and a little death happens to your soul.
You find that he is getting his satisfaction from ****. That he prefers a woman on film or in the pages of a magazine. You lose weight and wear make up and keep yourself attractive in hopes that he will see who you are. You tell funny stories and work so hard cooking and cleaning and mowing and washing clothes Are desirable and pretty and he ignores your efforts. A little death happens to your soul.
Then you pour all your efforts into your artwork for there you get some appreciation for your talents. You travel and get away from your prison and it is enough. You can survive on this. You become a sexless being and cannot even ********** anymore. Your life as a sexual being is over and you mourn this and cry. Another death happens to your soul.
Then you get injured at an art show and he won't even help you get dressed after your surgery! Won't even pay the five dollars for your phone service and TV in the hospital and you die a little more inside.
You go through almost two years of therapy for your injured shoulder and see countless doctors trying to alleviate the pain. You go alone and you are of less worth because you have lost the ability to bring money into the house. You stood by him when he was ill and hospitalized and the day when you are crazy with pain from your injury and have to go to the ER alone for relief and you lay across the chairs in the waiting room because it hurts too much to sit up, he sits at home in his recliner with no regard for your distress. Morphine relieves your pain and you have to call your daughter to come and drive your truck home because he will not answer the phone. Another little death.
And then you find EP and realize that you are not alone and your soul starts to heal a bit. You make friends and get support and comfort from people that you might never meet face to face but they accept you as he never did. Strangers reach out and you start the process of finding yourself again. And one of these friends becomes so much more and you find love. You reach out in friendship and it grows into so much more between the two of you.
You laugh again. You feel beautiful and wanted for just who you are as a woman and as a human being. Slowly you get to know everything about one another and you find that connection that you have wanted all of your life. You remember crying out to your God years ago in the darkest time of your life and the promise that was made to you. So many years gone by but the promise has finally come. You remember the time your beloved Aunt Betty told you about her dream for you. That a dark haired man from another country would come into your life and you would finally be happy and loved.
You think on life and how you had to be brought to your knees before you finally opened up your heart and allowed your wounded soul to heal and you give thanks for the knowledge that what you most desired was right in front of you. The little deaths of your soul are replaced with life again. You can love and you can feel and you can be totally alive. Your soul soars with the eagles once again. You chose life and love and respect and value once again and your heart is open to all of the beauty and joy that is yours for the asking and your little deaths are turned into living once again.
Never stop believing. No matter how long it takes for there is something better in this world then little deaths of ones soul. Peace,D.
dartist 56-60, F 36 Responses 11 Jun 12, 2010