Inside The Process: Part The First...I Am Sure There Will Be Others

well...its happening...I am leaving...not in a rush, with a thunderstorm's worth of drama, nor without regrets.

But gradually - bit by bit and with some sadness, and many pangs as I start to dismantle our life together. 

He knows now; the why - and the when - and the how. We have talked a little bit about the concrete. At this stage he is being kind. He doesn't have to - he holds most of the cards. But he always was kind in that way, solicitous of my physical and material wellbeing.

Its just sexually and emotionally he doesn't want to know about. Sexually and emotionally I can go to hell basically.

He says he doesn't want me to leave - but I find that hard to believe. His response speaks volumes, his stance across the table from me. His negotiating face on...his statement 'my position hasn't changed'. His inability to shed a single tear. This guy is dead inside. A walking zombie. I don't want to haunt the edges of life like a ghost anymore - so I have to go. 

I wonder if he is relieved - I find it inconceivable that he does love me and want me to stay - his actions are so inconsistent with love. It doesn't matter anyway, I am going but it hurts a little that it seems to mean so little to him. I should be glad I guess, relieved that my actions are not hurting another but it makes me feel the last seven years have been...farcical...a waste? 

In the interim I will be moving back home, it feels a little bit like defeat - 34 years old and not able to take care of myself...but in actuality I am looking forward to it, I love my parents and having extended family around will hopefully minimise the impact on my daughter. She loves it at their place. And she will be able to have her horse at home. I am hoping these positives will help cushion the blow...I am still yet to tell her. I know I am avoiding the inevitable but I feel like each untroubled day I can give her is a gift. She commences counselling soon, for another issue and I want an extra set of supports in place for her before I start to dismantle her world. I have started telling a few trusted friends as well. No one is surprised...that in, and of itself speaks volumes I guess.

So there is nothing left to do but keep pressing forward, keep enacting the plan, keep piecing my future together.

That is the weirdest thing - the way your future blurs and distorts into an unknowable haze when you decided to go. Whilst none of us really know what is going to happen in the future, most of us had a rough working guide, a bit of a mud map.

Now the rain has come and there is no mud map anymore...

It manifests itself in a thousand different ways...some big...some small. Things like - I will no longer be emigrating to New Zealand when C finishes high school, there is no need to go look at Dunedin university because she will no longer go there. Christmas plans have been changed. I won't be skiing in Japan in August. In a few short weeks we will go from being three - to two. I can cook fish again because C and I both eat it. There will be no masculine presence in our lives. I will be changing my own tyres. I will have to intimidate C's boyfriend by myself :)

I will be sleeping alone, night after night. Indefinitely. 

I will no longer have to buy imported bottled water to accommodate his reluctance to drink tap water. I don't have to have a television. I can invite people over for dinner without having to listen to him complain about it for days before hand.

In thousands of ways my life will change. Big and small. And mostly it is a good thing. But I would be lying if I said it is not without its dark moments, moments of panic and fear and loneliness.

I am trying to see the wide open spaces of my newly bare future as liberating, as an invitation...One I hope I can live up to. 

Gonna try and make it juicy VB. I promise. Bite that life and let the juice drip down my chin...

Thanks again for all of you, those who have left and are shining the light in the tunnel, those who are thinking about going, and those of you who stay. You all share your wisdom and insight, make us examine our options. And you are there. When the nights are long, and bed is a lonely place to be avoided. You are there. When the rhythms of my life have reset themselves into more familiar patterns I want to take a turn at holding the torch. 
deleted deleted
29 Responses Feb 6, 2011

I know you wrote this some time ago, but I really hope you and your daughter are doing well.

I was in the exact same marriage for 11 years. I know he loved me in his own way, but it got to the point that I just could not go on another day. I too made arrangements for my children and now I'm doing better. That doesn't mean it's not still hard. It's hard to see him so hurt, and surprised. He doesn't seem to 'get it'. He doesn't 'understand' what was wrong?? I can't understand how no sex, no emotion, for over 6 years is something he didn't notice. We talked and talked about it and went to counseling 3x too. Nothing worked, nothing changed. Now I'm just trying to figure out what attracted me to him in the first place, and more importantly, why I stayed for so long after our marriage had really ended much sooner than it did legally. I've been reading tons of self- help books and reading posts. It's good to know there are other people out there that have been through similar. We really seem to have identical situations. I wish you and your daughter the best.

So beautifully described and so much like I feel at this moment. I hope things have moved on for you; that you never see this post because your life is in other places... Still reading these words has helped me. I am facing this road and I hope I can face it with the same thoughtful tenacity as you display.

i just want to say he could be like me emotionally dead inside thanks to years of emotional trauma if he cant shed a tear its because he cant he feels any emotion no matter how strong it feels is weakness and he doesn't know how to process them anymore if he loves you he is trying to keep you he just needs help drop hints tell him he needs to do this to keep you he is hurting you nor him even can see it . . . or he is just a douche i personally believe my first theory more

This is sad, man. The important thing is to make sure you do what you think you should, and then live with it. Keep us posted.

I am on a similar journey. I have been in that nothing place for 20+ years - be glad you are leaving so soon. I think it is so hard to leave a decent person who just isn't participating in life. I hear echoes of my story in yours. I think it is important to be with someone who is willing to be alive with you. As you move forward remember there are SO many of us who are striving in the same way to be ourselves, insisting on relating to others in authentic ways.

I think your way is the hard way. <br />
It simply drags out the agony for everyone.

Hello all;<br />
I appreciate your determination.<br />
Men also sufer from that . I love my wife to death and can't imagine cheating on her, but it is a sexless marriage. I am the touchy type and it is just killing me that she does not want me to even touch her. Again, I bleed, and the pain is enormous. <br />
Nowadays, I visit pono sites, and talk to imaginery people on net-but it is not the same.<br />
I have tried talking to her but all has been in vain. I hope and pray that through this site, I can find a friend I can talk to and laugh my sadness away.

KFC said:<br />
"The hard part is dealing with the hurt, and the healing that happens after you leave. The whys, whatifs, some guilt, some doubt and yes even some fear." <br />
<br />
And that really resonates with me. It is one of the reasons I believe VERY strongly that ILIASM is inly partly for those IN sexless marriages and is also for those of us who are OUT of sexless marriages. We still need the support, the insight, the clarity of thought and the wisdom of those who truly KNOW what our situation is like / has been like.<br />
<br />
And KFC said another wise thing which others have said too. I echo that.<br />
<br />
YOU WILL BE FINE!!!! More than fine. You will be able to be you true real self - and how amazing and awe inspiring that will be for you and for the rest of the world!!<br />
<br />
Bring it on girl!!!

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! I did both. I laughed at your courage and your decision to save yourself and I cried because I share your pain. Anyone with your insight is going to be fine, and it appears you are taking care of your daughter, too; that's so important. We're different, I think, in one respect: my husband lives with what I call his mistress and has for 2 years, but I guess he thinks he European in that he comes over daily and is friendly. He pays the bills, how could I protest. Truth be known, I love him and secretly, I'm happy when he's over. It kills me that he goes home and shares a bed with her, but there was no action in our bed, I'm jealous. However, and this is my point, I now love sleeping alone. I have the entire king-size bed all to myself. We're finally going to get a divorce, I'm insisting on it. I have no idea how long he thought this bizarre situation could go on. I'm scared. I'm old, I'm disabled, I've been thru 2 major surgeries recently and I'm in physical pain and emotional pain. I love reading about gutsy ladies like you and how you make your decision and carry it out. It give me hope and strength. Thanks for the lift!

This is my first day on this site and reading through a lot of the posts I have suddennly realised that there are so many people in the same place as I am and that maybe the world isnt such a scary place to be after all. I am staggered that there are so many of you ladies in a position I thought was almost exclusively a domain for the guys... How wrong am I.! ... I am on the brink of leaving and share many thoughts with many of you .... How about we all hold hands in spirit and jump together.<br />
<br />
I wish you all luck in your respective futures!

Thank you for your powerful story. I continue to be perplexed by those who refuse love, kindness and compassion. The exhilaration of the possibilities that may be now available for me is present, but so is the fear. As I move toward ending my marriage I feel grateful to know others are taking the same steps.

MissM,<br />
The wide open spaces you how have and can control, do have costs, they are not "safe", they are not "easy", they are not "known and comfortable" but you own them, they are yours and your daughters to explore and define - you have the right and the ability to have and find happiness, to find yourself and that person who will, who should, love you and be your sun and treats you like you hung the moon.<br />
<br />
You are brave and strong - all the best!

MissM: The hard part isn't really adjusting to your new life. That happens pretty quickly. You settle in to a new routine, a new home,, a new way of doing things. The hard part is dealing with the hurt, and the healing that happens after you leave. The whys, whatifs, some guilt, some doubt and yes even some fear.<br />
<br />
But do you know what, you are going to be fine. Eventually it all starts to drift away into the distance. You will miss certain things, catch yourself remembering, get a little sad, but life will go on and you will be a better, stronger person for all that you have endured.<br />
<br />
Wishing you nothing but love and peace.<br />
Strength dear friend.<br />

Take time to heal - however you feel now (euphoric, sad, etc) remember to give yourself time to grieve. A long term relationship is a hard thing to end and it will take time to process all that you have gone through. I wish you well for the future. Do not look at moving to your parents as failure, it's just a steping stone to a new life. We all need stepping stones - EP, friends, family and other support. Take it and use it in the spirit in which it is offered. Be well my spirited EP friend.

when you are not there anymore Mr Zombie will miss you. and his daughter. his acting like he doesn't care is a feeling he is displaying to you which is a ploy to cause you to question your choice to walk .... it is part of the vicious cycle with which you have been entangeld please do not fall for it cause ONE Day he'll wish he was with YOU "at this stage he is being kind", "he holds all the cards" i reconize this cycle well... Emotional and Sexual fulfillment may seem to be selfish wants but they are needs! Keep walking (actually)RUN! to your new life of self respect and discovery breake this cycle for yourself and your daughter....grow strong

Sure I can cook... but probably not as good as you ladies! And can build one heck of a fire... once had a nice one going on the coast of California with a group of service buddies and some newly met/made friends... lasted until the sun came up. Sometimes when life is a bear, (an attacking one!) I just go back there mentally... just drifting off to sleep with the sand under us, the warm flame beside us, the soothing sound of the tide rolling in and that ever distinct sound of friendship. Miss it dearly!

Got room for a guy, his little clone (very well behaved I might add) and another dog (yellow lab, also very well behaved) at that beach house!!! I'll bring my own bottled rum, since I won't drink "tap rum"... <br />
<br />
...someone has to carry the firewood right??? :)

MissM, you have described your existing journey and new path so well. I very much hope you find the happiness you rightly deserve in your new life. Please plan well ahead and watch out for potholes in the road which may wreck havoc with your safe journey. I have today hit one such pothole and it is scary here on the other side but I am sure EP friends will look after you. All the best to you and D.

I m sorry things worked out the way they did for you. Did you try marriage counseling? My marriage has had its ups and downs.

MissM,<br />
<br />
Going home is not being defeated nor is it a triumphant parade. It is the quiet dignity of saving oneself. I came home at 43. I had no job and very little money. I had left my husband 1,000 miles away. I have always found it difficult to accept help. I needed to rescue myself. Coming home wasn't depending on someone else to save me, it was accepting shelter in a storm and I'm providing my mother with some emotional support she needs too. I've rescued myself from he'll, as will you, built a closer relationship with my mother, and I'm moving out soon to re-start my life. <br />
<br />
Enjoy the closeness of home. It's been an added bonus to me. <br />
<br />
Princess TimeForANewStory

I am also moving home when I divorce, Princess. Home is twelve hours from here, and I see no reason to stay here. I would rather be near my family, even though I do have friends here. I am looking forward to it. I hope my mom is! :)

Fantastic ... you're making the break now. Not waiting another 10, 20 years like some of us. Good for you!!!<br />
<br />
(PS: MissM, see my blog, early after joining ILIASM, about what changed when I separated. You may recognize your stbx. )

Your refuser refuses to drink tap water too??? Ha! Ha!

No luck, MissM. We're strong and we're going to MAKE our own luck!<br />
<br />
Thanks K9. Sounds like a plan.

Good luck but it sounds like the best thing you can do for yourself x

No need EH, you are invited too ... we'll have three women, three kids and my dogs ... in Redondo Beach ... for at least a month, more if I can manage it. DD is great with younger kids so your son will have fun too. She'll teach him to body surf.<br />
<br />
I'll even feed everyone ... I love cooking for a large group. Although, EH you must cook us one of the meals shown in your photo album!

You know that I am on the same journey and in much the same position. The fears and the dark nights come but...let's look at the happiness that awaits us.<br />
<br />
Accepting a helping hand from your parents at this time is in no way a defeat. We all need help at times and it takes a big person to accept that we need help. So, use the hand they offer to pull yourself out of this and push you into greater heights. <br />
<br />
K9 - I'm jealous!!!

Oh, and you are welcome to join me and DD at our beach house this summer. We plan to play all summer long.

And we will always be here for you MissM! This takes tremendous courage, but I think you have that in spades.<br />
<br />
You will be fine, better than fine ... and so will C. I'll be joining you shortly ...