Inside The Process: Part The First...I Am Sure There Will Be Otherswell...its happening...I am leaving...not in a rush, with a thunderstorm's worth of drama, nor without regrets.
But gradually - bit by bit and with some sadness, and many pangs as I start to dismantle our life together.
He knows now; the why - and the when - and the how. We have talked a little bit about the concrete. At this stage he is being kind. He doesn't have to - he holds most of the cards. But he always was kind in that way, solicitous of my physical and material wellbeing.
Its just sexually and emotionally he doesn't want to know about. Sexually and emotionally I can go to hell basically.
He says he doesn't want me to leave - but I find that hard to believe. His response speaks volumes, his stance across the table from me. His negotiating face on...his statement 'my position hasn't changed'. His inability to shed a single tear. This guy is dead inside. A walking zombie. I don't want to haunt the edges of life like a ghost anymore - so I have to go.
I wonder if he is relieved - I find it inconceivable that he does love me and want me to stay - his actions are so inconsistent with love. It doesn't matter anyway, I am going but it hurts a little that it seems to mean so little to him. I should be glad I guess, relieved that my actions are not hurting another but it makes me feel the last seven years have been...farcical...a waste?
In the interim I will be moving back home, it feels a little bit like defeat - 34 years old and not able to take care of myself...but in actuality I am looking forward to it, I love my parents and having extended family around will hopefully minimise the impact on my daughter. She loves it at their place. And she will be able to have her horse at home. I am hoping these positives will help cushion the blow...I am still yet to tell her. I know I am avoiding the inevitable but I feel like each untroubled day I can give her is a gift. She commences counselling soon, for another issue and I want an extra set of supports in place for her before I start to dismantle her world. I have started telling a few trusted friends as well. No one is surprised...that in, and of itself speaks volumes I guess.
So there is nothing left to do but keep pressing forward, keep enacting the plan, keep piecing my future together.
That is the weirdest thing - the way your future blurs and distorts into an unknowable haze when you decided to go. Whilst none of us really know what is going to happen in the future, most of us had a rough working guide, a bit of a mud map.
Now the rain has come and there is no mud map anymore...
It manifests itself in a thousand different ways...some big...some small. Things like - I will no longer be emigrating to New Zealand when C finishes high school, there is no need to go look at Dunedin university because she will no longer go there. Christmas plans have been changed. I won't be skiing in Japan in August. In a few short weeks we will go from being three - to two. I can cook fish again because C and I both eat it. There will be no masculine presence in our lives. I will be changing my own tyres. I will have to intimidate C's boyfriend by myself :)
I will be sleeping alone, night after night. Indefinitely.
I will no longer have to buy imported bottled water to accommodate his reluctance to drink tap water. I don't have to have a television. I can invite people over for dinner without having to listen to him complain about it for days before hand.
In thousands of ways my life will change. Big and small. And mostly it is a good thing. But I would be lying if I said it is not without its dark moments, moments of panic and fear and loneliness.
I am trying to see the wide open spaces of my newly bare future as liberating, as an invitation...One I hope I can live up to.
Gonna try and make it juicy VB. I promise. Bite that life and let the juice drip down my chin...
Thanks again for all of you, those who have left and are shining the light in the tunnel, those who are thinking about going, and those of you who stay. You all share your wisdom and insight, make us examine our options. And you are there. When the nights are long, and bed is a lonely place to be avoided. You are there. When the rhythms of my life have reset themselves into more familiar patterns I want to take a turn at holding the torch.