The Results Of The Talk

This is also posted within the I Am Getting A Divorce group...

First, what led to the talk...years without tenderness, affection, passion, intimacy, or quality sex.
Next, what precipitated the talk to happen when it did...yet another dysfunctional sexual encounter followed by two days of the "silent treatment."

So, he emailed me Tuesday afternoon that he'd be late getting home. I got home at my normal time, ate dinner, and took my dog, Max, for a walk. I returned from walking Max to find him sitting at the kitchen table, eating dinner. Silent treatment was clearly still in place. I sat down to watch TV. He went upstairs, and shortly returned with a letter. He handed it to me. I thought, "could it be? Two people so out of sync could actually be in sync? Could this be his goodbye letter?"

Turns out it was not. Instead, it was a full 8-1/2x11" sheet of paper detailing all of the things I've done lately that dissappoint him. I thought, "nice segueway, dear," and handed him my letter that I'd crafted to get my thoughts in order.

Historically, whenever we have been mad at each other, I cave. In fact, I have rarely argued his points. Needless to say, he was shocked. Normally, I am not allowed to be mad at HIM. He read it multiple times. He couldn't close his mouth. Then, the reactions began.
"You can't be serious."
"We're a team, we're better than this."
"Other couples are jealous of us."
"I can't continue working at X without your support."
"Don't you think this is a little dramatic?"
"I won't accept this."
"When the hell did you start feeling like this?"
"The only way this could've happened so suddenly is if there is someone else."
"So, you're saying you were never attracted to me."
"How can you be so emotionally detached?"
"You're the only person I trust, and now I will never be able to trust you again."

And, the line that got me: "Everything I do is for you, how can you do this to me?"

Then, we talked. It was probably the first time we'd ever really opened up to one another. (He realized it too.) I openly and honestly shared all of my misgivings: lack of intimacy, lack of desire, lack of passion, lack of respect, lack of contact, lack of affection, lack of love. I explained that my recently improved self image had a lot to do with my assessment of our marriage. He listened. He adopted a loving demeanor. Long story short, he wore me down. I caved. I agreed to try and work it out. I could hear myself saying these agreeable things, but didn't believe a word I was saying. I agreed to stay home the next day, so we could talk further.

But, my body wouldn't let me sleep past my normal time. I tossed and turned for an hour or so. Eventually, I turned to him (yes, he convinced me to stay in the same bed with him) and said, "I can't eff up work AND my personal life - I have to go to work today." I got ready for work. I was in escape mode. When I left, he was sitting at the kitchen table, crying.

So, I have to leave him. Now, more than ever. To stay with him would mean going into it 100%. That's something I don't have the emotional capacity to do. I don't have faith in him to improve that drastically.

PeachesGalore PeachesGalore
46-50, F
2 Responses Mar 28, 2012

Wow, I can relate to this, my wife refuses to acknowledge any problems. when I tell her I am unhappy, she just blows it off, like I have a tooth ache. I tried to talk divorce with her and she just shut down the conversation . Then she says, "I don't want a divorce , so just drop it, and get your *** in gear!" Her way of saying 'Man up" life is not perfect unless she says it is! We did the list sharing also. She had 323 items on her list. I had five on mine! All of her's had to do with fixing things around the house and or with the kids. Mine were all about relationships, intimacy and passion. <br />
<br />
Good luck!

Oh hon, she doesn't respect your feelings...
My stbx's very first reaction was "I reject this!" The key is to never waver. I resolutely stared back at him - silence is a powerful tool - and let him talk himself into a hole (and strengthened my argument based on his foolish statements.)
Good luck to you as well!

My wife has the stare treatment down! She will stand there nose to nose staring at me, no words for an hour! Then I get angry and have to walk away! Last time we discussed this she accused me of trying to give her a heart attack by mentioning a Divorce! if only it were that easy? (ok just kidding!)

"I dont have faith in him to change that drastically" I know exactly how you feel. Well said, and you are one of the brave. It is never easy! My heart was racing and I felt like I couldnt breath when I finally brought up I wanted a divorce. I am that way with every serious convo with him actually. We have never spoken about our feelings for some reason. But we talk about everything else so easily. He laughed off the divorce convo the next day which was last week and said we are not there yet. He also gave a list of reasons why we are not getting a divorce. Everything is about him. I made it firm though that I wanted to split. I think he is similar to your H, a passive aggressive I believe is what you called him. I am looking forward to healing.