The Results Of The Talk
This is also posted within the I Am Getting A Divorce group...
First, what led to the talk...years without tenderness, affection, passion, intimacy, or quality sex.
Next, what precipitated the talk to happen when it did...yet another dysfunctional sexual encounter followed by two days of the "silent treatment."
So, he emailed me Tuesday afternoon that he'd be late getting home. I got home at my normal time, ate dinner, and took my dog, Max, for a walk. I returned from walking Max to find him sitting at the kitchen table, eating dinner. Silent treatment was clearly still in place. I sat down to watch TV. He went upstairs, and shortly returned with a letter. He handed it to me. I thought, "could it be? Two people so out of sync could actually be in sync? Could this be his goodbye letter?"
Turns out it was not. Instead, it was a full 8-1/2x11" sheet of paper detailing all of the things I've done lately that dissappoint him. I thought, "nice segueway, dear," and handed him my letter that I'd crafted to get my thoughts in order.
Historically, whenever we have been mad at each other, I cave. In fact, I have rarely argued his points. Needless to say, he was shocked. Normally, I am not allowed to be mad at HIM. He read it multiple times. He couldn't close his mouth. Then, the reactions began.
"You can't be serious."
"We're a team, we're better than this."
"Other couples are jealous of us."
"I can't continue working at X without your support."
"Don't you think this is a little dramatic?"
"I won't accept this."
"When the hell did you start feeling like this?"
"The only way this could've happened so suddenly is if there is someone else."
"So, you're saying you were never attracted to me."
"How can you be so emotionally detached?"
"You're the only person I trust, and now I will never be able to trust you again."
And, the line that got me: "Everything I do is for you, how can you do this to me?"
Then, we talked. It was probably the first time we'd ever really opened up to one another. (He realized it too.) I openly and honestly shared all of my misgivings: lack of intimacy, lack of desire, lack of passion, lack of respect, lack of contact, lack of affection, lack of love. I explained that my recently improved self image had a lot to do with my assessment of our marriage. He listened. He adopted a loving demeanor. Long story short, he wore me down. I caved. I agreed to try and work it out. I could hear myself saying these agreeable things, but didn't believe a word I was saying. I agreed to stay home the next day, so we could talk further.
But, my body wouldn't let me sleep past my normal time. I tossed and turned for an hour or so. Eventually, I turned to him (yes, he convinced me to stay in the same bed with him) and said, "I can't eff up work AND my personal life - I have to go to work today." I got ready for work. I was in escape mode. When I left, he was sitting at the kitchen table, crying.
So, I have to leave him. Now, more than ever. To stay with him would mean going into it 100%. That's something I don't have the emotional capacity to do. I don't have faith in him to improve that drastically.